I'm so tired of feeling. I'm so tired of this. Giving up would be the easiest thing to do right now. My body is giving out. Breathing is harder and harder. My eyes don't open as wide as they used to, I don't really ever sleep. Just kind of drift off and then wake up again. The TV never sleeps. I don't need a bed anymore actually, because sleep is gone and gone. Every day seems like it is just an annex of the last. My simplistic language skills do not allow me to convey the utter solitude and loneliness that I can create for myself. It's a little shell. I can let people in, but once they leave it they can't come back. Exceptions are rarely made. It's good that way. I wish that some people, I wish they'd forgive. But I don't blame them for not. Everything that has occurred is all because of me.
I made my life, I'm living in it. I've brought myself to this position and no one else got me here. I need to find my old self again. I miss that guy. So many things have happened, I came out the other side of the meat grinder a little mushed up and shredded, but the basic components are still there. Some consistency, though not much. I can fix this, however it is going to take some time.
Will things ever be good again? Will I ever have someone in my life that honestly wants me there, that I bring happiness to whenever I enter a room. Who makes me feel so complete but is also made to feel complete by me. I thought I had it this time. I knew I had it this time. It's so fucked up things had to come to this. I'll never be OK with it. I'll hate myself forever.
Life is much easier when prospects are good. Life is good when there is something to look forward to, when you have nothing you don't sleep. You don't feel compelled to eat. You don't feel like looking in a mirror. You don't have the ability to be nice to people. You walk around a lot. You try everything possible just not to feel hurt and unimportant. Maybe if something was happening, if life was going somewhere, it wouldn't be as bad.
But this is it for me. I've done what I'll do. At some point I have to realize that I let life have me. The things its decided to do are interesting. Any sense of my self I thought I had is good now. I don't know this life and I never wanted to.
Sometimes there are people in your life that feel like they will be there forever. It doesn't seem like you will ever be without them. But sooner or later, they do leave. No matter what, without fail, they will leave. Everyone dies alone.
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