all the blogs that fit

selling out
So it seems I'm cashing in my chips, selling out to the man. That's right, Antonio Villa has purchased the rights to my profile and will eventually take complete control over the site, hopefully commercializing it for the good of myself. He will also be taking control of the Caldera profile (I sneaked it into the contract) so look for updates from me no longer! Peace out, enjoy your so called lives.
-Profiler formerly known as Excited to be Here
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Tuesday, November 29, 2005

scream away
my profile picture says it all, I am stuck inside my body and I want to get out.
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picture came and broke your heart
Four people.
A 27 yr old male. Short.
Around 5’ 5”
Race unknown.
Three other persons represented in the site.
All others are male, possibly older than the 27 yr old.
All that’s left are four femur, two left, two right.
A complete pelvic girdle, belonging to the 27 yr old male.
Some fragmentary femur remains make estimation of stature a possibility, but may not prove conclusive.
Some other pieces are represented as well, three complete humerii, including one right, two left, one paired set, the other not.
I have received no history, although it would definitely take more than one person to bury these three men, assuming they were buried. The most complete skeleton had been articulated by drilling into these bones. I am not sure of the purpose, but someone must have done it.
Depending on where these bones were found, there could be a number of years since death. The fibula still had some fleshy material on the distal end, indicating that it was either more well preserved than the rest of the bones, or it has not been as long since the fibula was added.

What does all this have to do with anything? I know not. Perhaps I am just a crazy lunatic, but I am in love. Love does funny things to you. You start caring. Starting feeling things. I think that’s why people like it. Like if something happened to the person you love, you’d be upset, you’d be devastated. That’s the funny game life plays, it gives you this love and whenever it’s gone it makes it hurt. But I’m content in the fact that I know this love will never leave me. That is why I love her so.
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Monday, November 28, 2005

weak alibi
fundamentally, I've began to see, we are all the same.
Everything goes wrong when you get into semantics, but basically, the things we know to be reality are all just a pile of bonafide shit.
We think that we are certaintly something, that we are different, that life is this set way and nothing can change it because it is the way it is, when in all reality, life is everything but.
Living in the moment, as of late, I have found myself a much happier fellow.
See, when you begin the task of understanding on a different level, when you can fall back, enjoy the view of life and watch everyone run around in it trying to effect you, you can remain unphased.
So if this is the way to live life, what is the point? If observing and not participating, how can one truly LIVE. The fact is learning is living. You dont need to live to live. Doing nothing can sometimes be as productive as doing everything.
You get things done.
You dont.
In the observation mode, it doesnt matter, your just there, finding out how these people work, why they do the things they do, getting sick at the injustice visited upon millions, feeling sad, enjoying happiness, experiencing life as a television show, removed.
So this sounds nice, but can be a fairly lonely task.
I need it when I need it. Just like I need hate, anger, sadness. All my feelings.
I keep them in, I let them out, I experience everything.
So when someone asks me something, I can always answer with some certainty. So ask me something, anything, I cant promise I will give you the right answer, but I will offer a perspective, and I will be here.
And there.
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Sunday, November 20, 2005

Morphological differences between race and why it does not exist
In 1757, Carolus Linneaus established a system of classification known as Systema Naturae, within which he introduced four human groups. The groups were based on cultural observations and observed skin color, they were as follows: Europeaus (albus), "white"; Americanus (rufescens), "red"; Asiaticus (fuscus), "dark"; and Africanus (niger), "black" (Linneaus 1757.) In subsequent years, despite the dissolution of the cultural aspects of “racing”, many people have held these unscientific groups as general knowledge and continue to let these sociological definitions of race define their reality. In all actuality, these Linnean races are based on discrete generalizations of cbaracteristics, geography, and genetics, rather than large biological differences. The concept of race as a biologically isolating feature has been disproved largely through the efforts of anthropologists, sociologists and psychologists. Biologically, humans are extremely similar, physically 99.9% the same (Smedley 2005.) The fact remains though that race is an ever-present part of life. It is seen in public policy, scientific studies, housing, disease, and a plethora of other aspects of life. This is due to “social attitudes and institutions that perpetuate the idea of race,” even though there are only minute biological variations and no significant morphological traits that can be used for classifying humans (Smedley 2005.)

In the search for the biological basis for race, many ideas have been proposed and discarded. Recent studies indicate that the most reliable indicators of race come from the skeleton. But even this can be variable. In physical features, race is most apparent through skin color and facial features. The reliability of even this is suspect, because humans have shown a diverse range of skin colors and facial features. Our skin color is actually determined by melanocytes, which are programmed genetically in every person to produce a certain amount of skin color (Freinkel et al 2001.) But even the genetically determined skin color is variable. Basically, there is a baseline or “constitutive skin color” which is determined by the melanocytes that can be altered through sunlight or other sources, which is known as “facultative” skin color (Freinkel et al 2001.) If this is true and skin color is variant, then this obvious stereotype of black, white and yellow is obviously false.

Relating to the skeleton, one researcher found a correlation between the level of pubic symphyseal metamorphosis and the different ages at which Blacks, Mexicans, and Whites reach certain stages (Katz et al 1989.) Other researchers have tried to illustrate race through physical attributes seen on the cranium. In a study conducted for the US Army, Yokota (2005) researched the admixed populations of US Blacks and Whites in which he found differing nose breadth and lip length. Yokota found that, ”multivariate anthropometric distributions of admixed individuals were within the distributions of single racial groups.” This suggests that even though admixture is occurring in the US, it has not effected these theoretical racial groups.

Earlier studies by Franz Boas showed the children of immigrants who recently entered the US showed significant changes in skeletal structure. His work brought about a change in the idea of race, but recent reevaluation of Boas studies have proved his work incorrect (Sparks et al 2003.) These current studies suggest that race could actually be inferred from these inherent differences in bone structure. But in context of other mammals, these differences are not significant. Think of butterflies with differing wing patterns, because these butterflies are aesthetically different this feature does not change their genetic makeup and it does not provide a large enough variation to consider it a different kind of butterfly. It is impossible to typify the simple, often minute, differences between each and every human. Describing an entire theoretical race would be impossible because science has not provided the answers to some of these differences. Also, because of deluded past and present studies on racial groups, society cannot deny that every individual is different and that the extent of the differences cannot be measured by IQ tests, skull measurements, or any current genetic research. Simply, racial profiling is a futile and unnecessary task. As Keita (1997) puts it, “races in this conception confirm to a Platonic type; they exist by definition and are bounded distinct entities that are viewed as fundamental entities.” Since humans are all biologically similar and can all interbreed, the isolation that the social construct of race creates is an uninformed (and unenlightened) view of existence.

Many anthropologists seem to think of race as an indicator of region rather than discrete separate units of the human lineage. In fact, suggestions have been made to describe race as “ancestry” (Smay et al 2000.) As of yet, there is no perfected way to discovery ancestry and although there have been attempts, no precise method has been found (Sauer 1993.) Sauer (1993) discusses the use of racial classifications in Forensic Anthropology in which he asserts that "we ought to be able to do better than estimate a major race," when classifying humans. If isolating a group of people to identify remains is useful, how much more useful would it be to further isolate where in that group the remains are from? Sauer asks that in an attempt to explain human variation we should "put racial categories aside, consider them as the folk taxonomies they are and study human biological variation on its own terms." It is essential that scientific studies move from viewing race through the lenses of black and white into a much more objective view of human diversity.

Through the study of racial morphology, the idea of racial divergence of homo sapiens sapien’s evolutionary history is raised. This is a term used to describe the “fissioning...into discrete units” of this group in the Pleistocene era. Many of the genetic studies of race have been conducted using blood-group antigens and mitochondrial DNA comparatively against these groupings (Keita et al 1997.) There are basically three biological groups recognized throughout the scientific community, Caucasoid, Negroid, and Mongoloid. The studies on these groups have failed to show conclusively when and where these groups diverged and, on the issue of diversity, have proved that in-group diversity is wider spread than the diversity between groups (Keita et al 1997.) Another explanation for biological variation can be seen in the short, compact statures of individuals in cold climates as compared to the tall, skinny stature of individuals in cold climates. Studies on Eastern or Western Central American short statured people “belong to the same race but are as different from each other in some loci as they are from peoples of the other side of the world,” (Keita et al 1997.) The idea that, genetically, humans are less isolated than originally thought is not a novel one, as illustrated in Berg et al (2005):

“The recency of our common ancestry and continued gene flow among populations have resulted in less genetic differentiation among geographically distributed human populations than is observed in many other mammalian species. Nevertheless, differences in appearance have contributed to the development of ideas about ‘race’ and ‘ethnicity’ that often include the belief that significant inherited differences distinguish humans.”
Keeping historical, genetic, and cultural factors in mind, it is easy to understand a tendency to relate biology and race, but based on the evidence, race as a morphological trait is inconclusive."

Mukhopadhyay et al (1997) describes the immergence of anthropology through “19th Century European natural history traditions, with their focus on the classification and comparison of human populations and their search for indicators of ‘mental capacity.’” The debate over mental capacity has led to racial discrimination in science and society that is constantly perpetuated through the ideologically constructed view of major races and their relative worth to society. Statistically, being black in the US means that this individual occupies the lowest social economic status, worst health, and one of the most undesirable of the social groups in the US. This racial stigma that preys on scientific evidence for racial typography and classification is irrational and ethically wrong. The answer on how to stop the abuse of science to further the cause of racist groups is not clear-cut but several solutions have been presented by researchers. Mukhopadhyay et al (1997) state that “developing and publicly articulating a unified anthropological voice on race will require open dialogue across ethnic groups and between physical and cultural anthropologists.” The idea presented here is that by redefining what race is and the “obvious differences” between humans will lead to the redefine the public conception of race and replace its current definition, which is the result of historical ideals and cultural practices.

In the quest to discover reality and how individuals fit into the scheme of existence one aspect that seems to be omnipresent is race, or the desire to group individuals based on indiscrete and largely theoretical physical features. Sauer, (1993) “with minor fluctuations, the idea that our species can be portioned reasonably into four major groupings has withstood the Industrial and American Revolutions, the institution and dissolution of American slavery, the world wars, the rise of civil-rights consciousness, the 20th Century explosion of modern biology, and even the new physical anthropology.” Race is used every day to classify, understand individuals, it is used a bias to grasp facts, to catch criminals and identify their victims. As a tool, it is outdated, almost to the point of ineffectiveness. As an idea, it is also outdated, disproved by biologists, taxonomists, geneticists, and yet it is still debated fiercely. The variation between these races are largely circumstantial and based on a system of classification that has been 200 years in the making (Sauer1993.) “Linnaeus could not have understood the range and complexity of biological variation as it is known today. Not enough was known about the world. Nor could he have been aware of the complex array of mechanisms that effect biological variation,” (Sauer1993.)



References Cited

Kate Berg; Vence Bonham; Joy Boyer; Larry Brody; Lisa Brooks; Francis Collins; Alan Guttmacher; Jean McEwen; Max Muenke; Steve Olson; Vivian Ota Wang; Rodriguez; Laura Lyman; Nadarajen Vydelingum; Esther Warshauer-Baker (2005) The use of racial, ethnic, and ancestral categories in human genetics research American Journal of Human Genetics, Oct 2005 v77 i4 p519 (14) University of Chicago Press

Ruth K Freinkel, David T Woodley (2001) The Biology of the Skin p. 114 Mar 15, 2001, Taylor & Francis

S. O. Y. Keita, Rick A. Kittles (1997) The Persistence of Racial Thinking and the Myth of Racial Divergence American Anthropologist Sep 1, 1997American Anthropological Association

Linnaeus, C.
1757 Systema Naturae. Stockholm.

Professor Carol C. Mukhopadhyay, Professor Yolanda T. Moses (1997) Reestablishing "Race" in Anthropological Discourse American Anthropologist Sep 1, 1997 American Anthropological Association


Smedley, Audrey, Smedley, Brian D. (2005). Race as Biology Is Fiction, Racism as a Social Problem Is Real : Anthropological and Historical Perspectives on the Social Construction of Race American Psychologist, January 2005 Vol. 60(1), pp. 16-26 American Psychological Association

Sauer, Norman J. (1993). Applied Anthropology and the concept of race: A legacy of Linneaus. In Race, Ethnicity and Applied Bioanthropology NAPA Bulletin 13. C.C. Gordon, ed. Arlington, VA: American Anthropological Association.

Smay, Diana Professor Armelagos, George (2000). Galileo Wept: A Critical Assessment of the Use of Race in Forensic Anthropology, Transforming Anthropology July 1st
American Anthropological Association

Corey S. Sparks, Richard L. Jantz (2003) Changing Times, Changing Faces: Franz Boas's Immigrant Study in Modern Perspective American Anthropologist June 2003 Vol. 105, No. 2, pp. 333-337 American Anthropological Association

Yokota M. (2005) Head and facial anthropometry of mixed-race US Army male soldiers for military design and sizing: a pilot study. Appl Ergon 2005 May; 36(3): 379-83.
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dirty mother fucker
Man I am one stupid guy and I do stupid stuff when I drink, no more for me, ha. Whoever thinks I am a melodramatic bastard please raise your hand? Not everyone. Shit.
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serious
I punched myself so much in the face that I can taste the blood when I breathe, its just running down my throat everytime I swallow. I hate myself so much right now, I feel the coldish barrel of the gun against my head. It burns, its too cold. I push it harder into my brain. I want to pull the trigger. I want to push the bullet in so bad, I want to feel the smooth click of the hammer as it injects its noxious poison into my head, scattered on the wall. I want to smile, eternal, I want to finish this life as its finished me. It seems like everything else gave up on me, so I have given up trying, I am lame, I have always been and now I just stop, feel the metal on my screen, hold it in my mouth, let my teeth fall upon the end of the shotgun, steady it in my mouth, my right hand on the trigget pull, my index finger feeling out the trigger, wondering how it would be, until I feel this rush of goodness and fire away, into this empty abyss, where no one has been, or will ever have been.

PS
what the hell am I talking about? 11-20-05
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Friday, November 18, 2005

from a friend (purple void)
at the end of last semester i became a giant brain, exposed to the elements and weak from mental training.

a body floated in a weightless purple void. the body remained suspended at the chest by an invisable string similar to the training of flamenco dancers who must keep their third eye up to the sky. the body opened up like it was made of hot wax. chunks stretched to reveal a hole in the chest. a blue light emenated from the cavity and out floated a soul. the soul, bathed in pure blue light hovered over the body and looked down at its former owner.

one night, about mid semester, this vision graced its way into my mind.

when i woke the next morning, every muscle contraction pained my physical being. the physical world hurt. this was the first time that i felt that a spiritual reality existed and that i had some alternative purpose.

physicality binds my body and i have no way of escape.
the bitter cold reminds my hands that it hurts.
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no reliability
in so doing do you see a man as he is, as a soul, as a person, or do you see him as simple, culturally engrossed with the world around him.
can you forgive what you forgot?
can you love what you have not?
we will all falter and we will all forget, but forgiveness all ends with the world of empty bliss.
so sing my little blue friend, push the trowel into the earth, forget the first of time when i saw you, empty and smooth above the ruse, forget forget the time we spent, cause time just stops, when you look here, so forget me now, as does everyone and everything and know and know and know we all are just these things, we all are just alive. ok?
my god what have we done, do we know where we are from?
we have kids but we are so scared of what came out. if we knew where they hung out, we could gain some doubt amongst the world's of all we knew. forget the internet, forget the nastiness, forget this invisible wall between us and infect me with the beauty you know exists, forget the next and forget my shit. all i am is all i is. so here we are and all we really know are the things we show, you know? so my friends a doctor, see him, hes beautiful, so take the pill, massage the cream, forget the dream, because these things they seem so individual, i love these things, so sing and sing and sing and sing.
no more pain for you, you shall feel the comfort of numb, for life is this, life is nothing but feeling, until you realize that feeling is meaningless and you can change it at any time, thus the realization that pain is nothing more than a series of numbers, coefficients, and (what?) thoughts. So we all know, we love but we dont even understand where this is from or what it means.

"Rahula, practice loving kindness to overcome anger. Loving kindness has the capacity to bring happiness to others without demanding anything in return.
Practice compassion to overcome cruelty. Compassion has the capacity to remove the suffering of others without expecting anything in return.
Practice sympathetic joy to overcome hatred. Sympathetic joy arises when one rejoices over the happiness of others and wishes others well-being and success.
Practice non-attachment to overcome prejudice. Non-attachment is the way of looking at all things openly and equally. This is because that is. Myself and others are not separate. Do not reject one thing only to chase after another.
I call these the four immeasurables. Practice them and you will become a refreshing source of vitality and happiness for others."

Now, just let the thing guide you, you'll feel the silver platter, you'll understand the world, just forget the world, do not make it up.
who else but you and him I grin, when I see your mops, below the props we leave we leave and see and see, the world we know, is small and throw the life we love and love and love, in circles, squares, the life I've dared to love someone who helps me see, that you and he are so beautiful and he, makes limes so green, and you so lean, the world it seems, so small to me, and you and you and you and you.

so we touched down now, we found, the ground, the mound, so round, we found, the ground, tonight, we fight, the right the right the right, those pigs, we swig, to them, they beat the life from me, i see so fucking bad, i love the life ive been given, yet life is so ultimately swiven through black and white and grey and blue, so glue yourself to me you sweet little girl, so painful, sad, and gone and on and on and on.
thank you for your time madam, do you have time, to rhyme to rhyme, for the cameras, say hello? say hello?
youve just watched, a moment in the life of victoria, so sore-i-ya. the phrase is null, is void is killed.

one of the most spectacular asswhoopings on the west coast, oh ah oh ah oh ah ahhhhhh. fuckin whores love the babies!

when things go wrong, remember as you pay the bills, i am here still, in your window sill:
The definition of love in Buddhism is: wanting others to be happy.
This love is unconditional and it requires a lot of courage and acceptance (including self-acceptance).
The "near enemy" of love, or a quality which appears similar, but is more an opposite is: conditional love (selfish love, see also the page on attachment).
The opposite is wanting others to be unhappy: anger, hatred.
A result which one needs to avoid is: attachment.

This definition means that 'love' in Buddhism refers to something quite different from the ordinary term of love which is usually about attachment, more or less successful relationships and sex; all of which are rarely without self-interest. Instead, in Buddhism it refers to de-tachment and the unselfish interest in others' welfare.

'Even offering three hundred bowls of food three times a day does not match the spiritual merit gained in one moment of love.'
Nagarjuna

"If there is love, there is hope that one may have real families, real brotherhood, real equanimity, real peace. If the love within your mind is lost and you see other beings as enemies, then no matter how much knowledge or education or material comfort you have, only suffering and confusion will ensue"
His Holiness the Dalai Lama from 'The little book of Buddhism'

I took an IQ quiz, I received a 140, if this is sufficient, I am not sure, if this is quite dericient, we will never know, so calm the waters inside your mind and climb inside the time I find for you inside my life you know, were we did go, that time, you know, the show, that one, the one where we fell, in love, the tug, of tough emotional shrugs, away from me, seems exactly where you left me see, I'm just the same as you once knew, as we did do, forget the past, persue the fu, ture of my life, well yes you knew, where we would end, and you begin, so now I move, to empty grooves, all by myself, well you see through, I apologize five times, for mine, for ours, for yours, and ours! Hold them all, for us for me. I wore a red jacket that day, you wore blue, I was white, you placed your hand upon the wheel, you steered and steered until we kneeled upon the life that we once knew, how are you how are you?
I stole the bike, I stole the life.

love your time, forget the rhyme, for me for you, forget where we, once knew, I was white trash and you were you, so lets see true, yeh you once knew, where I saw you and you saw blue.

C-H-I-C-A-G-O

dRUgs and weapons amongst the cruise, fuckin shit my friend, its time to give up you know??

you know you dont care, you know all it means is christmas ends and new years begins, dice and dice they all cirlce round, the world youve found, so what is it you sound?
the call of summer,
the whisper of winter,
forget me forget you,
these kings of bright red army green, you fly amongst the dicotomy of blue, you pace against the ugly hues of life on the road, of business pleasure, you weather weather within a sweater.

katie, my ladie, do you like gravy, I say maybe but my friend said, "baby, you look so fine against the grainy (hue of my baby) forget the rainy (day) we face against the wavy smell of the sea, yeh we gave up lazy." Thats what he said, as I laid in bed, I died that night, while he said, " maybe, you will last, get past this last, pain of her maybe, but baby, your ready."

the lyrics I cannot send, because they have been not been written, they are within. the body I live in. but I miss you so and I wish I had never let you go, because you are so lovely and so when you walked into my life, I seriously almost barely died. if you were to kiss me, then you'd know what I meant, you would know what has been spent, these years on you, its all been perused, sometimes I think I wasted all my time on you, but I realize its not true, because your everything thats true. the timing is wrong, yes everything is gone, but what is wrong? what is wrong?

and you are holding me hostage with your beautiful love and eyes.
please dont forget me when im gone, you know? ou did the same for me, and i love you so much for that, you'll see one day, when we both walk out from the cold.
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Wednesday, November 16, 2005

seasonal affective disorder (SAD)
So, I guess this is the deal right? Every is getting all depressed because of the weather/lack of light. Perhaps thats all it is. All the peoples acting all crazy, its not ok with me really. Grande Mocha Frap? What the hell. I dont know. Have you ever played Mouse Trap? Me neither. I have been watching A LOT of television lately. Doing a lot of stupid useless nothingness. Zoning out. I took my first sleeping pill tonight, it's been months. I used to take that shit like candy. Wow, it's kicking in, I forgot that feeling, I missed it, the bliss, the utter happiness. Feels like your wrapped in a dizzy warm blanket. So, I've got to get to work on this research paper, due monday, but man I cannot seem to pry my eyes away from the TV. I've been catching up with my current events, it's been so weird not having a job, I'm getting all flabby, lazy. I think I should chill out for a while though, Belize will be nuts, I have to wake up at like 530 am every morning, then go to bed around 7 pm, work with the light you know? I guess everything really comes back to the light. SAD, lack of melanin or something. Lame. Well Sonia is all itchy and hum it makes me sad. Lots of work has been put in, but now, its time for me to retire.
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Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Turkey out the Window
Today today today. Today I woke up at 845 for a class at 930. I didn’t know what we were going to do. We started on our cases. We received sheets with a list of about 15 cases and the case numbers, followed by a description of each case’s materials and point value. The first one that caught my eye was a lone skull, no other materials were present. It was case number M15. I picked it up, began examining it. Through our observation we determined it was a female, probably between the ages of 25-49. She had two pathologies, which may have been caused by blunt force trauma, on the left side of her cranium, one on the distal lateral side of her parietal lobe and one on the proximal side of her ethymoid. Also, there was a circular pattern of discoloration on this same side, with weathering and deterioation on the bottom left hand side of the skull, which indicate that the skull was more than likely partially exposed, with her possible pathologies covered. This meant that she was probably hit on the head, then fell face down on the ground and then laid and rot. What a sad fate for this woman, it was obvious that she probably lived a long while ago, seeing as how she had erupted third molars (wisdom teeth.) Sad indeed.

Thanksgiving Day is almost upon us, I am tired tired tired, ready to go to sleep, perhaps its the fuzzy wussy weather, I love it all. I need to do my research paper. It's time.
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Saturday, November 12, 2005

trust
its a fist
its balled up in that smallest way that it can be
imagine this:
here I am lying in anticipation
for her to lay against me
the black background of her room
makes me feel unsure,
I smell her body,
I want her near me,
I touch the edge of her clothing,
I feel the rough touch of cotton,
I want to pull it down,
I want to take it off,
I want to feel her smooth skin,
I want my fingertips to touch perfection,
to make her moan,
to satisfy her needs,
to make her happy, inside.
So I, place my hand upon her face and rub her cheek
until she puts my hand upon her breast,
then I just simply carress, her simple little breast.
As I lay there uncomfortably and stare at the back of her head,
as I silently read, the current issue of her meds
The medication in her diary, seems so like an inquiry
into her solemn life,
good God I'm so tired of this fight.
I love her so much,
but I'll end this with a touch.
My hand,
she moved,
I sighed,
she breathed,
I left,
she cried,
I laughed,
she died.
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delete
I guess I can just delete my stupid self from my life, nobody cares about me, I see that, I think I have an eating disorder and I cant be happier, stupid stupid ads. I am quitting it all now, I think I am just going to fucking kill myself right now, because life is so great I cant even stand it, I just cant even stand it. I am going to die one day anyways, why not now? Fuck it, suicide is the answer foooor me. The song says it all, hopefully someday you'll all hear it. I think that you guys are all too young too understand it all right now, but me, I'm young but I get it, suffering this shit is much worse than just dying, I've experienced enough in my life, you'll see, if you all think I'm wrong, I cant prove you wrong, riff valley fever is taking place of my life, Belize, I'm staying there. DEATH, HERE I COME!
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Thursday, November 10, 2005

Archaeology of the Self
Everything leads back to it, I've got a project due where I need to make a database of myself. I need to find memories, good things, bad things, factoids all about me and compile them so people can search them, like a google type interface, it's going to be nuts I think. I am really being a procrastinating asshole as of late, somethings wrong, I have no energy, it's so weird not having to work anymore, I just sleep all day, I was thinking of volunteering at a hospice care center, just to do it, I want to talk to the dying. I think myself quite an enigma, I am so intrigued by death and I have no idea why, that goes in my database for sure. I love death, I crave it, to not be around it would be torture. I need it in my life to sustain me. Why is this? Why is it so intellectually stimulating? I dont know, dont worry though people, I'm not to the point where I could kill anyone yet, I'm getting there but not there yet. This weekend promised to me to be fantastic, no matter what happens. I want to go to the Tenacious D sing along at the Draft House, it seems educational at least. I will promise to drink a lot this weekend, a shit load. I have made 9 new songs in a night, if anyone is in the Austin area and would like to check them out, I will play them for you, they are quite impressive, very quite impressive actually. Well, if you want a sample I'll put one up on the profile today, yeh, I will, I love you Sonia.

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Tuesday, November 08, 2005

children 3
(so it seems I've a theme)
This week, I will remember something sadder, nothing that funny. I think it’s the day my dad and mom told me they were getting a divorce. So it was a Sunday, I think I was probably seven or eight. We all went to church together, me, Blake, and Meredith. I think I was happy because the church sermon had inspired me so much, I felt like I was on top of the world. We also went to eat at Red Lobster, but it was before it got redesigned and all that. They had those crayons at the front and the little papers with puzzles so it was always my favorite. I loved going there, I always got the popcorn shrimp. Actually, I remember one time me and my brother played pirate under that table and we were hitting our knives together and I hit his and the blade flew off. For some reason that was the funniest thing I had ever seen. But actually, not as funny as my brother and my step-sister buttering the carpet at the Plaza Hotel in New York, but that’s a whole different story. So, we got home from the Rojo Langosa and our parents brought all three of us into the living room, where the TV was. They both sat down and then began explaining the intricacies of how relationships work and why theirs wasn’t working. I understood. “So Daddy isn’t gonna live here any more?” I asked, not even caring because I didn’t really care for my Father in the first place, in fact I had never cared much for Father’s, familial or religious. “No, he’s gonna go live at grandma’s house for awhile.” So, whatever, I thought. My brother was crying, thinking he wasn’t going to see his Dad ever again (which was partially true) and my moms started crying too and then my sister started and then my Dad started, they were all sitting their balling their heads off and I just sat there. I never really cried, I mean when I hurt myself, but I never really wanted to cry in front of anyone, I did it all on my own. If you’ve never experienced this let me tell you, it’s quite a weird experience to see your family crying their heads off and to just be sitting there, wondering what was on TV. I didn’t know it, but this would be the story of my life.
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Thursday, November 03, 2005

children 2
Another childhood memory. This one happened when I was younger, probably around 3 or 4. My memory isn’t what it used to be so I could be completely off. In our old house we had a fenced in backyard, with shady trees, flower beds, big enough for a dog. Anyways, I figure the dog would try to dig under the fence and it left these small little holes all around the fence, which turtles would crawl through into our backyard. Whenever we would find a turtle (me and my brother that is) we would run inside with it. It usually peed all over us, but we didn’t care we were just so excited to find something. After that my mom would throw us back outside and then eventually come back out with some nail polish so we could name our turtles. I usually named mine Simon for some reason. I don’t remember what my brother named his. Anyways, so Simon stayed for awhile. But one day, I couldn’t find Simon, I wasn’t heart broken though because later that day I found all Simon’s babies. As fathers usually do, Simon had left them all alone. I cried for the poor things, but I marked every single one. Well, I don’t know why my brother wasn’t with me when I found these, so I picked one up and brought it to show him. When I found my brother, he was playing with some toys in this little cement area we had in our backyard. I showed him the little baby turtle and for some reason, I put it really close to his face. The turtle, who was probably scared shitless, decides to chomp down right on the end of his nose. So my brother starts screaming and shaking his head trying to get the turtle off, while I am screaming for my dad. So my dad opens the door, looks outside, sees my brother with the turtle on his nose and then he just closes the door. What else could you do huh? Yep, my brother’s nose hasn’t been the same since then.

Around the same time, in exactly the same place, I had my first experience with serious injury. It would be the first of many to come, a preview in what lay in store for me in the following 18 years. There was this swing set we had in the backyard, me and my brother would take turns pushing each other. Since I was older I guess I got to go first all the time. Well, I took too long so my brother decided I deserve to have a rock thrown at my head. A trip to the hospital and four days later, I was still a little sore. My memory hadn’t been the same since. See?
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Tuesday, November 01, 2005

children
When you think about how to start things, what comes to mind? For me, usually words, a whole series of them, float through me like a cloud. I imagine where I can take each word, how long it can last me. Usually, I end up quitting before I even start. Which is pretty much what I do about everything in my life. Quit before I even start. I’m not saying I’m a slacker, lazy, or even just fat. I’m just saying I don’t want to do things sometimes. I think it starts somewhere around the fifth grade. I had this teacher, she seemed taller then. She always wore these really short skirts, all the guys in the class would always try to look up them. I don’t know, but I think she enjoyed the attention. So here I was, an 11 yr old boy, tripping over everything I could find just to sneak a peak of panties. Well, one day me and my best friend of the time, a little red headed kid named Austin, decided to devise the perfect plan for me to catch a glimpse. It was a Friday, I remember because we pretty much spent the whole weekend scheming about how this was going to go down. So we drew out blue prints, worked up some new instruments, we probably should have taken out some patents, but we were young, we didn’t know what kind of economic potential our “contraption” held. Basically, we got two pairs of hand cuffs and a really long metal string. The plan was to handcuff one side to the monkey bars and the other side to this weird little dome built out of pieces of what looked like scrap metal.
Finally it was Monday and we got everything in order. We snapped one end to the monkey bars, tied the metal string (with double knots) and did the same to the weird dome thing. I don’t really know what went wrong, I think it had to do with the lack of planning up to the tying the metal string. Basically, I guess Austin was supposed to run and fall down in front of the teacher and then she would come running over then trip on the wire and then I would run over to help her and then I would trip on the wire, hopefully somehow catching a glance. As intricate as it seems, it would’ve worked, if this one unforeseeable aspect hadn’t happened to us. Little Jason decides to run across our wires and cut open his leg, getting blood everywhere. This teacher run over to him, yelling for everyone to stop playing. She sees the string, asks who put this there. Me and Austin run away and I guess sort of incriminated ourselves. Jason never walked again.
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Monday, October 17, 2005

reminiscent
Chanteller:: I'LL CUT YOU, WHITEBREAD
Me: haha
Me: and your wheat bread?
Me: you know they have white-wheat bread, the social implications are endless
Chanteller:: i'm golden rye bread
Chanteller:: haha
Me: whats a implication?
Chanteller:: something implied
Me: ah ha!
Chanteller:: haha
Chanteller:: i don't like that bowie guy
Me: me neither
Me: lets kills him
Chanteller:: lets cut him
Me: deep
Me: so he dont never stop bleedin
Me: hey you know what? i hear the new divorced barbie comes with all ken's stuff
Chanteller:: HAHA
Chanteller:: that's cute
Me: yeh
Me: i know
Me: i said it
Me: the train echoes the death rattle in my heart
Me: what are you doing?
Chanteller:: looking up some shiit
Me: in my house?
Me: in my basement?
Chanteller:: yesss
Chanteller:: do you have a basement?
Me: not at my apt
Me: but at the parents house sure
Me: sittin at the bus stop try to my shoes but their all knots.
Me: you doing some crazy cannonballs with those tight red leather pants
Me: me sailing across the ocean in a boat made completely of carpals and sundried tomatoes
Me: us, laughing together in green tweed suit with golden buttons, with a tiger emblazoned on the right hand pocket
Me: lifting our spirits way beyond any mortal idea of subjegation and retaliation against a world full of clumped-up misery and sorrowful linguistic profanities.
Me: we no longer use the word for a healing touch, it's more of a glance and now we are all just steeped in so much righteousness that we forget where we end and where exactly we began
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Sunday, October 16, 2005

SUNSHINE AND SINS REVIEW
HEY, THIS IS A REVIEW OF CALDERA'S SUNSHINE AND SINS ALBUM, IT'S THE BEST THING I'VE EVER READ!!!! THANKS RYAN!!!
-
Austin based Caldera (not the drug) attempts to make themselves something bigger than they actually are from the very beginning of their bio. They consider themselves to be a philosophical construct, rather than a band, and imply that people may have actually heard of them because of their exploits, rather than their music; a really deluded idea for those of us outside of Texas. Their album Sunshine and Sins follows this pattern, hyped as doing something new, but at the same time, making the same old mistakes that other artists have been making since technological breakthroughs have made so many options available for recording music.

The scariest moment on the entire album is the track called “Sex”, but this is not because of the song’s content. It’s simply because this track is in the running for worst song to actually be recorded in history. These guys were either really high or got a vocal effect processor for Christmas, decided to record their first effort using it, and then put it on their latest release. “Sex” starts off with a Harry Connick, Jr. 25-ish piano intro and vocals that sound like they have been run through sand paper. For some reason after that, each of the last few words is repeated by a super cheesed, synth-type vocal which drags the sewer for a sound (literally), and is followed by some horrible, shrill Nintendo fairy-like sound which would leave dogs howling. This finally stops, which is only a tease backed by some early Red Hot Chili Peppers funk, because the nightmare continues with all three vocals joining in to form the synth-vocal trio from hell.

The whole album is not like this, although vocal effects, synths, and loops do play a part in most of the songs. “Freedom” starts off the album with a folk feel (the root is picked before the chord) on the acoustic guitar. The vocalist has a warm rustic quality to his voice and repeats the same chord/vocal phrases throughout the entire song, finishing off the song with the line “…This song gone too long, how’d you know?”, just what the listener has been thinking. A Talking Heads inspired egocentric “Death” follows, driven by a repeating Casio keyboard phrase and background vocals which sound exactly like David Byrne’s yelping from “Burning down the House”. “Instrument Panel Confessional”, a song praising the pain which life brings, sounds as if the drums, guitars, bass, keyboard, and vocals were all recorded using a Casio keyboard in some guy’s basement over the course of a few hours. The high point on the album is the regret-filled hidden track, which sounds like a Jay-Z/Linkin Park Collision Course track. This track is a lot more tasteful than the other tracks with its percussion loops and bright chorus effect on the guitar.

Caldera has done a great job adequately mixing pop and hip-hop to achieve something which doesn’t get heard much on the radio. However, the production sounds as if the producders were asleep in the other room and gave thumbs up when questions were asked about the sound, just so they could roll back over and go back to sleep. The guys in Caldera need to cut off the synth-effects and cut back on the overdone experimentation so they can focus on writing songs with verses and choruses, and actually figure out what they want to sound like.

Ryan T. White
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lie
so
people always are decieving, they tell you one thing but dont mean it. they coverup things. they keep it from you. so you wont know. so you wont get hurt.
its been my life since I was three and now, here I am, just a hardened shell that has learned how to recognize these lies and reflect them back.
at times i'm just like a mirror. i reflect what i see. most people dont like it. even the ones who love me. but i do it because i have no self respect or overwhelming idea that i am great. i am just me and things are all related and things are things are things.
i cant changed that. people lie. people act like they think they should. but in the end. in the end. nobody thinks about it. the end. thats when everything comes out. all the lies you told. all the dreams you stole. everything comes out and your sitting there naked in front of everyone you know with every shadow of your face illuminated.
so you just sit there.
and what can you say?
you lied to me, you weren't honest.
to tell you the truth. i dont care, i'm so used to it that your lies just hit me like water.
they run off me.
so i'll end this here, because there is so much more to say, so many more things for everyone to realize.
one day, you'll wish you would've told me the truth, you'll cry, be selfish, wish you could've made things right.
but until then.
I'll just suffer you.
and everyone.
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Tuesday, October 04, 2005

avarice
there are many people who harbor animosity towards me, one of whom is my current girlfriend. i cant decide what i did, although i have many ideas. but the one specific reason she would conduct these feelings towards me I cannot decide. I wish she would say. i wish i wasn't so strange. if i was normal, we could have a normal relationship and not this crazy whatever it is we are doing. i love her, but i dont know what is going on. with me or with her. we both seem like we are averse to each other times and it severly bums me out. but alas, i am in a circle of shame so i cannot but sit here and take it up the ass.
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Monday, October 03, 2005

(no subject) 8.yrs.long.
After 8 years of silence, his first electronic words to me are "Hey Bryan: How are you? Hope this semester of school is going well for you. Did you get the birthday card and check? Give me a call sometime. Best regards, Richard"
I sincerely enjoy the regards he sends. The most neutral amount of thinking can only comprehend how strange this e-mail was. A man who raised me, who I grew up with, then abandoned me when I was 13, now comes back with an impersonal email when I'm 21. How am I? I am fine. I said. I received everything, it was wonderful I assure you. I have yet to cash the check because I'm holding onto this precious memory of you. Actually, I burned it. I sacrificed some babies in your name and burned it in my annual slaughter-ritual to you, my dearest father. Alas, the silence has returned.
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Sunday, October 02, 2005

now
I know now what it's like to get your whole world thrown in your face. I understand karma on a level you have never known. I understand how shitty I am, I understand how much I just deserve everything. I understand that I am going to have to live with sadness for the rest of my life, because I am to unstable to be happy. I was happy today, for ten minutes, maybe even an hour. I felt at peace with the world. Then that got shattered, ripped apart at the hands of a young maid. She killed me. She showed me life, like it really was. Full of suffering and sadness and guiltiness and lonliness and loss and full out grief. So there I was, her not even claiming to know what she had done, me knowing exactly what she did, avoinding me, missing my calls.
So I gave up and gave in, beccause she told me she loved me. Was this true? Who knows, the only way find out is that he is perfectly unconcivable. I am seriously sorry for the pain I caused, I think I will just try and wither away right here, Im sorry I'm not everything I IMAGINED me to be.
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Friday, September 30, 2005

vampire
I've never realized how true Billy Corgan's words were until now. The world is a vampire. Sent to drain. It seems like this at times. Although I know things will be better, it still seems like everyone and everything is draining the life from me on little bit at a time. Maybe it's just me. Maybe not. Once the equilibrium is thrown off, I'm messed up. Mean things begin in the most innocent of ways. Who am I to stop them? Things will be as they are. I shall not try and impede their process. As I re-read and re-think, I rebuke myself and everything I say. But that is the beauty of writing. I dont have to go back and change things, because that is the way that I felt at that moment and nothing can change that, ever. I live for the moment. Kiss for some movement. The world is a vampire.
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Tuesday, September 27, 2005

hey
I've already said I do, so let's move on and find the stars.
Clouds dont bother me, they never have, I love them like you.
They are the only things that bring me happiness, when they bring rain.
I could cry.
When these storms come, shed water upon me, I feel perfection in it's essence.
I love it, I need it.
So let's end all this now and forever, lets end it with this kiss.
Then stand and let the water wash us clean.
Let it pour upon us like a river, wiping away the sins, the lies, the dirt buried deep inside our skin.
Let us lay, lazily, letting the rain soak us in, drown us, complete us.
I, then, will need nothing.
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Monday, September 26, 2005

music
Rizzetto begins her contemplation on Buddhism applied to life by introducing herself and the things she holds to be true for her. In the following chapters she delves into the ceremony of receiving the Precepts and the vows. Then she explains how each of them should be followed and understood. Her explanation seems more personal and easier to absorb. Personally, I found her story to be moving and seeing how her Jukai ceremony effected her was very uplifting. The part of these seven chapters that struck me the most was the idea of "facing the consequences of our actions." This idea that we bury ourselves away from these consequences and live without regard was very effective. I feel like we are all shrouded in indifference and tend to take ourselves and our actions for granted. "We are caught in a dream of self," she writes. This idea worked together seemlessly with her ideas on "dead spots" as the trapeze artists call them. The point when the rope swings back the other way, reaches it's highest point. In reading this it reminded me of the swelling that reaches the climax in every song I've ever heard. This brought me to the realization that RIzzetto's explanation of life is similar to how music works. When we listen to music, we are hearing the totality of all the instruments working in congruence. This agglutination of sounds usually causes the listener to forget it's seperate parts, taking it in as a whole. But if you are a musician, you listen to these things seperately and the music becomes something completely different. You hear things on a different, more knowing level. I've had many people say to me that no one listens to the lyrics of the song, they just feel the beat and flow and composition of the song, because it is easier to organize it as such. Broken apart, a song is no longer a song, just pieces. As a lyricist, I am able to focus on each part of a song, hearing it for what it truly is. It is this parallel between the life that Rizzetto creates and the music for which we take for granted. Composing a song takes knowledge of rhythym's and beats and chords. Keeping a song together requires a sense of knowing that is hard to attain unless you have a grasp on how music works. The music follows a pattern of rules just like these precepts of which the author speaks. Each song builds up into this symphony of sounds until its climax at it's "dead spot" in which it must wind down. Everything in life seems to follow this pattern. Rizzetto also found that silence is sometimes preferable, when life is uncertain, when information needs to sink in. When the Dalai Lama spoke in Austin, someone asked what he thought about some issue in Iraq and he responded by saying that it was beyond his knowledge. I found this an extremely enlightening and surprisingly truthful answer. It once again paralleled with my knowledge of music, that if a song has begin, it will end when the song has nothing left to speak, and that end will always be with silence.
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Sunday, September 25, 2005

longside
last night was a dream
we fell so sweetly in dreams
the drama we made all seems so vain
and yet we let the wet hearts bleed
into the valley of empty dreams
somethings, it seems, are green and my spleen is shot,
and its all ive got.
forget me not yet let me rot inside myself ill die ill die
ask me not what you forgot just let me die let me die
so what you know
is what you show
and where you go is all who you know
your life is all a show
all the misery, seemingly intriguing to me,
is all just one big
empty screen of hollowed lives,
yeh hollowed knives.
forget me not yet let me rot inside myself ill die ill die
ask me not what you forgot just let me die let me die
forget me not yet let me rot inside myself ill die ill die
ask me not what you forgot just let me die let me die
forget me not yet let me rot inside myself ill die ill die
ask me not what you forgot just let me die let me die
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Sunday, September 18, 2005

your so vain.
you know what I hate?
belly button ear rings.
their ugly.
stop getting them.
they make you look fat.
just an observation.
another thing.
jello looks so shitty, so whenever you decide to make it chocolate, it actually looks like shit.
when God made Sonia Lynn Almanza, he broke the mold, see he made her in this really special way using this really special process that he cant really repeat again.
actually there is no God.
but evolution has done very well by her, she is lucky, to be so pretty.
what the fuck happened to glory holes?

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Saturday, September 17, 2005

spring flowers
Let me take you back a moment.
The sun was shining outside, the world looked beautiful.
It rained, the sky burned down hot, the moisture making the air sticky. We walked outside and it was so wet that we might have well just removed our clothes. I think I know what happened that day.
That was the happiest day of my life, that day will forever live in my memory and make me feel so young and beautiful. I am beautiful. I am different. When I think of it I think of how hopeful and full of aspirations I am. It reminds me of what a good person I am, how lucky and amazing this world is. How absolutely strange and awesome it is to be alive.
I'm reminded of these things. The sunlight lit up the bay like a train, so beautiful. The sky was blue, beautiful. Your hair, your lips, everything so beautiful.
I loved it, I loved being alive. If there was one moment I would pick that to be the one I live in for the rest of my life.
Everyone is so good to me. My friend are all so wonderful. My life is almost perfect and I dont mean to brag.
I'm not sure how I got so lucky, I dont understand how things turned out so absolutely amazing, but I do know this. I am alive, I didn't die and I couldn't be happier.
You see a child with their father and you can tell just by looking at him that he loves that kid, just for being there for him. That child's impact on that man's life is more important than anything you will ever encounter. It is the purest form of love, between a parent and a child. Experiencing this myself was somewhat of a revelation to me. Realizing I have two beautiful parents that care about, although it has been the undertone of my exsistence for the past 20 years. Since I was a baby. How did I get this lucky?
What did I do to deserve such a perfect, pain free life?
These are all questions I will not ever answer, because life is just. We are all just here and we are all happy.
This moment in time, the one I will remember, it makes me happier and stronger than anything I could ever imagine I could be.
Here I am.
Happy.
For the first time.
Since yesterday.
I love being me.
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april
I want to ask you a question, what happened in April?
I swear I wont be judgemental or mean, I'll try to stay calm this time, but please just tell me, what occured last April, I'd like the truth.
When the world seems like it's happening, when you feel like you cant trust anyone, that everyone you know, including yourself, is misrepresenting themselves, I turn to my gun.
It's solid, it never bends, it's just there for me whenever I need it.
I can put it to my head, but it never really does any damage.
Until the day that I load it an squeeze, this, the day of my release.
Today someone said I talk about suicide alot because I crave attention.
She was absolutely right. I do.
I need it.
Badly.
But the attention I get from everyone is all wrong and it all means nothing.
Love.
It seems so hard to come by.
It depends on how you like it.
I like mine, smooth, nice, pretty, sexy, sweet, and real.
This is a hard combination, it doesn't come without a hard sell.
Yet there it is in front of me and I cant buy it.
Why is that?
It's hard these days, I've been told my whole life not to trust anyone, it's the bed-rock of my 4 Noble Truths, but I'm just now starting to believe. I shouldn't trust people.
They aren't who they claim.
They seem to be these people, so much different than they are.
So am I, just to compensate for their losses.
I want to give up so badly.
I want to let go so badly.
I want to just forget these years so badly and I cant.
I wont ever forget.
These people, there are some, that mean so much to me that I dont want to lose.
But I will eventually, I will lose them.
But I dont care.
They dont need me, really. So that's basically the whole reason.
Why I put the gun to my head. Why I line up the pills on my bed.
If there were any other way, I'm sure it wouldn't be easy, I'm sure I would've found it, I'm sure I wouldn't be sad. I'm sure I wouldn't feel like the worst fucking person in the world.
I am not a friend.
Heed.
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Friday, September 16, 2005

cant
I cant believe how much I want to just kill someone right now.
It rises inside me like the need to smoke a cigarette.
It rises like the tide.
It sweeps me over in waves.
It comes, it goes.
The stabbing motion, the loss of life.
It's gone permanetly. It's never coming back.
What power, what strength.
I've never known that.
I'm too afraid to try.
We aren't talking about the same thing.
But I would like for us to be.
So come, sit down by the fire.
Let me tell you a story.
One summer, a man, a woman.
They fell in love.
The girl, from France, she wished for nothing but him.
She needed him, she pleaded.
But he was too far.
He gained strength.
He had money.
She forgave him and he forgot.
"Whats the point of wondering what-if, if things happen, they happened and they are, but whats the use in thinking, wondering, dreaming? It gets you no where. When you think you always end up exactly where you were and nothing ever changes that," he asked himself casually.
The question had been repeated. He asked himself that many times. He was isolated. All he knew, was that he needed this French girl. He needed her. It was something he never felt before. This need. Want. Desire. So what did he do?
He found it.
He found it in her.
He took a plane.
He arrived at the gate.
His flight number was 435, she waited, checking the monitors.
He walked around the corner, with a bag in hand.
She saw him, for the first time.
He dropped the bag. He ran to her.
They grasped each other. They kissed, they stayed there forever.
She looked at him.
She was beautiful.
Her hair rested on her shoulders, thrown on her like reddish-black ribbons, her perfect little shoulders and her perfect body smashed against him. He couldnt see anything but her perfect oval eyes. He grabbed at her waist and pushed it against his own. He was lost in her smell. It smell like fruit. It smelt like life. He became dizzy and reminded himself he was in an airport. They drank coffee there. He looked around at the huge terminal. He was surrounded by blues and greys. She was wearing pink. Hot pink shirts. Two. They were tight. They were in love. He couldnt believe his eyes. She couldnt believe how beautiful he was. He had blonde and brown hair flowing down into his eyes, blue blue eyes, falling into his chest, he was wearing all black. She couldnt believe what she held in her arms. A complete statue of a man, that bore no resemblance to Michelangelo, her Thinker, kissing her, loving her, melting her.
They stopped. They looked at each other. He picked up his bag. They walked to the carousel. She helped him carry his load out to the street. From there they hailed a taxi. They took it downtown, towards the Eiffel Tower, towards people. They got to the hotel. They both knew it was wrong. The cab let them out. They walked up to the counter, made the reservations. Stayed in room 3-02. Bonjour, her first words echoed in the back of his mind. They climbed the stairs, there was no elevator. It was a shitty hotel in a nice part of down. They didnt care about the dust. They were together, alone. All the did was lie on the bed. The shadows danced all around them and all they did was lie there. The window on the one side of the room let in some moonlight. They were happy. Happier than they had ever been. If they had ever wished, ever hoped, for something, this was it. They were together. They could've died in their sleep, they would have lived through the memory. She fell asleep that way, that night. Rested against the pillow. Her eyes were shut. He looked at her. Slowly he raised a hand to her face. Gently, he brushed the hair from her head, pushing it to the side. She breathed slighty. He moved. Looking up at the ceiling, wishing he could see the French sky, realizing it was nothing different from the sky he had at home. He turned and held her, he held her so tight he thought she might wake up. She didnt. She laid there. So tired from the day before. Alluding her boyfriend. Making sure he didnt find out where she would be that night, making sure he would be alone, telling him in French she was with a friend. Not at some dusty hotel room in Paris, waiting for her lover, waiting to be saved from a life she didnt want. He showed up, announced and invited, loved until the very last breathe.
They woke up. The sun burned the pair as they lay in bed. The blankets were tossed to the side as their naked bodies ascended from the bed. They stood by the sink. He stood in front, looking at the mirror, wondering. How had he arrived. What had he done to get here. It was no easy task. How many lives had he ruined in the balance? How many things did he do wrong? She hugged him around the waste, his thoughts dissapated. He didnt care, he was with HER. So he stood there. Looking in the mirror, carressing her body with his hands, feeling the perfection, wishing she spoke English, never knowing that what he wanted was unattainable.
They walked out, the sunlight greeting them unpleasantly.
He and she winced at the sight. They were at some perfect little corner bakery. She did the ordering. Somehow, she felt horny in the fact that she was ordering for him. He didnt speak French. A sandwhich from a steak didnt make sense to him. He probably would have eaten anything. They sat outside at the cafe, drinking coffee, staring. Not knowing what to say, neither one wanting to speak the language. He paid in Dollars, she laughed. They got up from the table. Across the street was the University where she had been for a year, studying English. He wanted to visit, see what it was like, he thought he might live there. Did she want him? She said she did. As they crossed the street, clouds passed overhead and they sun was cancelled out. She shivered in the shadows and he glanced skyward. They were walking and that was the last things they ever saw. There was no flashback, there was no recap. She shivered, the world looked strangely blurred because her eyes couldnt keep up with how fast her head was moving. She knew, at that moment, that the stem from her eyes to her brain must look strange. He looked upward, he saw the cloud pass over the sun, saw the bleak nature of what he had done, realized in a sicking instant on what he had left behind, half-way wishing he had stayed. Then the car hit. A black car, a large car. Enough to throw them over the top. They landed, a few feet behind it. The screeching of the black car's brakes were the last thing they heard. They landed next to each other in the grass at a park. They laid there, sadly. They both loved it. So they held hands, blood issuing forth from both their lips.
Lying, they told each other it would be ok. People rushed around them, in a circle. They loved them. They looked down, amazed. They moved closer, their bones all broken. They looked at each other, the blood burning their eyes. They moved their lips together, the blood dripping and dripping, the pain crippling them, killing them. They knew they would die, they knew they were gone. They loved it, they loved it.
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Wednesday, September 14, 2005

panic button squeeze
I think my heart has gone hollow.
I didnt learn alot about technology in China, but I learned alot about myself.
Tomorrow I have my first test of the season, we will see how well that goes.
I'm never usually one to complain, but my head does hurt and my writing ability has gone by the wayside.
I'm not sure why, it has become to self-indulgent and boring. Nothing original.
Tonight, I had the honest intention of writing a completely original awesome new entry and it has so far turned out to be nothing of the sort. I want to do something different, yet something mainstream, I want it to be accessible, yet somewhat alienating. I want the reader to feel at home, yet sort of out of place.
Tomorrow, I will go to school, play with dead people's heads and then go eat a sandwhich. I wont wash my hands. I will just eat the tasty sandwhich.
Will I be ingesting them? If I cant see it it's not there.
So the medical examiners office has been getting some bad press lately.
That sucks, it's a tough job.
Alls wells that ends wells I supposes.
Liver colored spots inside my windows empty plates and lockets in my hand.
I tried to overcome the overwhelming stench of empty drawings between my legs but I couldnt stop it, I tried and empty out the lunch-room bandits and yet they didnt seem to want to stop it, those magically colored sprinkles upon my pillow remind me of ancient miracles killed between the lines of outside and in. I try to imagine this sphere, empty because the brains are gone, with two parietal lobes, joined by a saggital suture, which ends at a Lambdoidal suture, which contains the ocipital portion of the brain casing. Leave it to me to underestimate the size and necessity of the ethymoid. I am but a simple sentient being. I cant type. These tears of blood are flowing like what and all I can hear is screaming from the train as the metals tires grind against their metal gods that guide them furiously into the night. The soft-high pitch yelling of life being suctioned away from life as the train pushes on, burstin my ear drums, the blood spattering on the walls, my eyes roll up in my head, release, the sperm swim forth from their tomb, swimming wildly away from any movement they feel, eventually running into an egg and being sucked inside it unwillingly, being forced to create life that eventually end up in it's destruction. The noise stops. I look around.
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Tuesday, September 13, 2005

death, finally
Good God in Heaven I cant wait to die.
How sweet it would be.
Did you know, did you ever notice, that every waking moment you are in pain. Do you know what the route of all your suffering is? It is the pain of exsistence, the 83 problems that exsist in life. You actually have 84 problems, but the 84th problem is that you have 83 other problems. That's a joke. Anyway, I dont believe you all to understand, some will get it, take away what they will, but the ones who understand, who truly think and have their eyes open will know. Pain is caused by suffering which causes unhappiness and sorrow. Know, we are not alive and you will never feel pain again.
Until next week, forgive me.
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Saturday, September 10, 2005

ancestors
My eyes burn at the sight of it.
Another bright computer screen.
Makes me wonder. Makes me ask myself.
Why am I here?
How do I deserve it?
The question mark.
It's been my only friend at times.
I try and remain simple.
My eyes are still burning.
There is something I must tell you, before you come back here.
I've lost, I've lost you so hard.
You can't even imagine.
If I told you, if you listened.
You would know.
You would leave me.
You would not have time for me.
But you know I dont mean it.
All my hopes and dreams are placed inside you.
Dont let them die.
Dont let them end.
Forget me now.
But remember me tomorrow.

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Friday, September 09, 2005

I love my Dog
SICKLE CELLS.
aenimia
liquid sunshine
all components that will lead to my faithful demise.
I'm reporting in, I saw Hunter S. Thompson today in a diner.
He wore a brown straw hat, brown military shorts and a red plaid and green short sleeve button down.
He sat there drinking beer, writing and writing.
He had a handle bar moustache, his hair was grey and brown.
He was sad, he was old, he was alone.
There I was sitting at the bar.
I didn't know what to say to anyone.
I was timid. I am timid.
When we left, you said you'd love me.
You said forever.
AND NOW.
Now, you've got someone else,
she's leaving and she's been gone too long and there is someone else she's found and she doesnt need me any longer. So there I am. She doesnt say it, I just look at her picture and I know. She doesnt have to say it.
She just sits quiet on the phone.
Then no one but she knows what she is thinking.
I wonder, I crave to see whats really in there,
what she really thinks,
what she's really like.
But she doesnt let anyone in, she just gives a sample of what she likes or who she needs.
To her, I could be everything and I could be nothing but this fact makes me not let go, I cant let go.
So, here I am.
I've got blood in my eyes, in my mouth, in my hair.
Yet, somehow, I dont care.
I know.
She thinks, she breathes.
It's beyond me.
She walks far ahead.
I dont want to follow.
But I do.
I'm drawn.
I wish she was here.
Seeing her.
Making me real again.
not what i am now, not what i really am,
I give up on me,
let everyone else see,
how things could've been different,
how life could have worked out like it was supposed to,
turn the lights off,
I'm no good with them,
I'm good with her,
I treat her gently,
I let her be here,
but only if shes promised,
only if she's mine.
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alzheimer's disease pt. 2
Dear Dr. Bryan,
Thank you for making us aware of the research.
We are full aware of the preliminary research. And, we are anticipating future more conclusive research.
All the best,
---
Support Staff
RemCure Enterprises, Inc.
ph: (800) 355-9788 / (503) 352-0726
www.magneurol.com
Magneurol6-S is powerful mind expansion! Open the Doorway to the Mysteries of your Mind.
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Thursday, September 08, 2005

alzheimer's disease!
An email message to http://www.magneurol.com about their product, promising Psychic Abilities in a pill that will put "Magnetite crystals in the brain tissue." Good idea.
Bryan writes:
Just thought I would let you know that Magnetite crystals in the brain tissue may be an early indication, as well as a cause of Alzheimer's Disease. Just wanted to give you a heads up so you could let your P.R. Dept know about it, here's a link to an article http://www.danhosp.org/HealthNews/reuters/NewsStory040920032.htm.
Good Luck w/ the sales,
Dr. Bryan Perryman
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
I wonder how they will reply...
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give up
I've decided that I am giving up and letting go of dreams, it they only seem to always disappoint me whenever I think things are good. That's fine though. I am experiencing life.
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never come back
I've realized, looking back, that I am so glad I left some people behind. I mean sure, sometimes I wonder how they are doing, how my old people have turned out. But I realize, I stop, I think, I see, I get older, I realize that those people, I'm way better off without. So they held me back. That's the point. I can do whatever I want to do now, be who I want to be. I dont have to fit into this little mold, perfectly like how they wanted me. Which is always a good feeling. Lately, I've been thinking, reading these blog entries and wondering, who the fuck cares? There are so many other thing I should be doing with my time. But I always try and write something interesting, but here it never works out. The new picture is from china, at a show I attended there. It was quite nice. I liked the fire. It makes me horny. I'm not a nymphomaniac if that's what your thinking. I'm happy, my throat is sore, probably from...I dont know what. I'm tired. I've been tired. But there is much to be done. I'm not so proud of myself. I'm not satisified with who I am now. I need to be someone better, different. I guess I'm working on it, slowly. I guess I am one of those people right now that needs change, immediately. But change doesn't happen immediately, it evolves. Just like I should, just like I have. I guess I'm just ready.
She sat there quietly reading, her glasses smashed against her eyelids. She couldn't blink, all she could do was stare at the blank white pages in front of her. What should she write. She didnt have a pen. The brown walls, creeped closer, making her nervous, making her palms sweat. She didnt have time to waste. "What to write?" she asked herself. Honestly, she didn't have an answer. Her mind was reeling, filling with ideas about what had just happened. Two people were dead, one girl raped, brutually. They were gone. The walls got closer. She would never see them again. Closer. She would never talk to them, hear their voice. The walls moved against her. She was crushed into a cube, her legs pinned against her chest, the books edges stabbing her in the chest, making it hard for her to breathe. She cried. Sweat poured into her eyes, she couldn't wipe it away, her arms were crammed into her torso. She was pinned. She lost her time. It was gone forever. Now, she waited, until she choked, until her parents could come, ask them what happened, and they could tell them she asphyxiated. She overdosed on CO2, that would have to explain it. Her mom would cry, her dad would look around nervously. No one really worrying about the bruises on her arms and legs. No one really paying attention to the blood under her nose. No one really noticing that she wasn't bright red.
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Saturday, September 03, 2005

doomsday
does it feel like the world is ending to anyone else? I think it is to me. My world feels like its shutting down, getting tired, sick, fed up of being pushed around for so long. It's decided to fight back. I'm waiting for the disease. But see, I've got this love in my life, it makes me happier than anything I could imagine. It makes everything bad just disappear, just at the sound of her voice. I've had a shitty day, an even shittier week, and an even shittier year. But somehow, she makes it all better. In some strange, complex, undeniably sexy way, she makes the whole ending of all mankind seem acceptable. As long as I'm with her when I go, I think I wont mind so much watching the world collapse. Because, to be completely honest, when I am with her, all I care about is her smile. The house could be burning down but I wouldnt care, as long as I was with her. So let the end come, just dont let me be alone.
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Tuesday, August 30, 2005

moth to the flame
and so am I attracted to her, the way she smells, the way she smiles, the way the hair falls in her eyes and makes her look so radiant. When I'm with her I think of nothing else, my life feels nice and I don't need anything. She's what I've looked for, she's nice, charming, caring, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. There is a word, there are many, that I do not know how to express, but without her the sunlight is meaningless. The summer days are nothing, the sweet smell of fall, the birds, the sky, they do nothing to compare, to her sweet embrace, she keeps the clouds away with a kiss upon my neck. I think I'll go and find some razor blades to cut my throat because I'm such a lame mother fucker. With that said, I bid you adieu.
TO MANY HAPPIER TIMES THEN WHAT WE ALL FEEL AT THIS MOMENT, TO BETTER DAYS WHEN WE MAY ALL FEEL CONTENT AND SAFE AND BRAVE, TO ALL THE ONES THAT HAVE GONE BEFORE ME, TO ALL THE ONES I COULD NOT SAVE, HERE'S TO YOU, HERE'S TO US.
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Monday, August 29, 2005

half
school begins.
sins are piling up, filling my glass, flowing like water.
i search for a happy end.
i've got it, it's mine and i'm so done with everyone.
goodbye.
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Saturday, August 20, 2005

funeral dreams
My dream last night seemed so real. Yet it could not have been. It was my funeral. I could see the car bearing my remains, with thousands of men, women and children following behind it, each carrying a single white rose. They walked for a mile. Then the car, with me inside stopped. The doors flew open, then I got out of the car, pulled my own body from the back of the car, dragged myself over to a hole in the ground, then threw myself inside. My procession came over, everyone stood around the graveside. I saw my mother, my father, I'd never seen them before but I knew it was them. Then I saw my adopted mother and father. My brother. My sister. My grandparents. My friends. Sonia. Tony. Joe. My other sisters. My older father. The members of every single church I've ever attended. Cats, dogs. The younger versions of my friends. I think just about every person I have ever met was there. Chinese people, Egyptian people, African people, Canadian people, British people. I was also the preacher, delivering myself into the ground. Of course, I had already thrown myself into the ground, so all I could think of to say was, "We have all known Bryan in one capacity or another. We have hated him, we have loved him, we have killed him." At that, everyone looked up, teary eyed at the priest, at me. "I know we need a sacrifice to consecrate his grave, I have chosen myself." With that said, I took a knife and shoved it into my guts, twisted it around, then ripped it out, spewing blood all over the cold wet ground and my mourners. The skies turned dark, clouds came over our heads and I fell to my knees. I bent down, drew the blood into my mouth, then the rain came, started to wash away the blood, pushing it into the ground, into my grave, on top of my body. I reached up to the sky, my dark priest robes and the wound in my belly making it hard to stay straight I spit the blood into the air and it showered the world in drops of my own blood. I fell to the ground, whimpering, urinating onto myself. The pallbearer me came to the priest me, I put my arm around myself then jumped, head-first into my three-part grave. Then my mourners, looking startled, all peered down into my soggy tomb. I looked up with my green eyes, holding my bloody arm up to shield my eyes from the rain. One of the mourners threw a clump of dirt at me. Before I could even blink, thousands of little wads of dirt were being pelted at me faster and harder than anything I had ever felt. I stood there, eventually, I fell. I was bleeding all over the other two men, one of whom had a fractured leg. We all huddled together as large humps of dirt were piled onto us, until light was no longer visible, until I woke up.
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Thursday, August 18, 2005

lies
i cant say anything anymore, i cant do anything, i cant write. people have abused me in so many different ways and now somebodies done it again.
oh well though, what the hell. as long as i know that i am better from the situation, it strengths what i already had, helps me solidfy my self-image. i'm moving on. i've got more important things to deal with. like papers. lots and lots of papers. sunshine and sins. their all around us. they creep into every aspect of our lives and devour us to no end.
sometimes we just got to stop and figure out what it is we want. end the suffering. cancel out the struggle in our brains. have a cause.
i dont know what made someone think that i could just lay back and let something like this happen, just take it. i've seen a share of bad shit in my day and these guys dont even compare. it just sucks that i tried to make a few friends during some hard times and this was just thrown back in my face. i think i'll never be friends with anyone again. just stay away from people, my old friend jimmy said. jimmy is dead now, he didnt follow his own advice. tried to offer a poor guy a sandwhich and when he turned around the guy shot him in the back and took all this money.
thats life, jimmy learned the hard way. me, i got off easy. suffice it to say, i dont care anymore. i think it's so much easier doing the autopsies at work because i dont know who these people were. all their faults and bad qualities. lest i be tempted to ravage them something fierce. everyone has demons. there are just some people who let them be more open than others.
so here i am, lost again in her arms, she smells like my deodorant, which is no fault of my own. all i can think is how lucky i am, how truly and honestly i care about her, how amazing she looks, how amazingly beautiful she is inside and i'm thinking, why did i ever doubt her? she said it would be ok, i thought she was naiive, but she really meant it, everything is ok, everything is always ok with her. when she laughs, i think i'll die.

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Friday, August 12, 2005

the cyclist
today i went to work. yesterday morning a cyclist was killed at 333 am on w. 6th str by a honda civic and the man driving. the man driving drove about 2 miles away and called the cops.
the cyclist died in the road due to injuries sustained in the collision.
not much has been said about who he was. not many people seem to care that he has been killed.
in one instant, a life is taken, while i drink away whatever problems i believe are harrassing me.
life is precious, people take it for granted, throw it away like it means nothing.
i live my life, i am not proud of myself, but i am not sorry or regretful. i am enriched by the people around me and the experiences ive felt.
but the fact that i could end up hurting someone someday, like the honda civic hurt this man, is something i truly worry about.
if it happens, if someone is hurt by me, i accept total responsiblity. i wont drive 2 miles and then stop an collect my thoughts. the minute the pain starts, the second i admit my fault.
so it ends, life, secrets, love, all pushed out by a single collision, ended in one brief encounter.
shall i continue? shall i digress?
nothing is saying everything.
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Thursday, August 11, 2005

onward
so here i am, stuck inside this shallow little pond I've fallen into.
I dont know how I got here, I dont know where I'm going, sort of.
all these things are happening so fast that they are hard to seperate in my head at the moment.
i dont want to think, i dont want to breathe.
sometimes i just want to give up on everything and everyone, but then again i dont.
people suck sometimes, such is life.
i dont know what to say.
where have i been lately?
i couldnt answer that question.
sometimes, i feel like i'm falling, but its just a fleeting feeling.
i cant write anymore, it pisses me off.
im going to write a story soon.
its going to be about this person, this man.
he dies.
and he's dead.
and all his life he wanted and waited for something.
but then he died.
and now he's dead.
and he died in a really bad way.
you wont know how he died until you know how he lived.
it was horribly painfully.
his whole life was horribly painful.
and now he's dead and he's gone and really,
no one cares.
he took his wife camping, his baby got stolen by a dingo.
he found the body two days later.
his baby was dead too.
he couldnt do anything, it was dead.
he was dead.
but see the kicker is this,
the whole story, it doesnt matter,
because he's dead.
all his dieting. hard work, fantastic acts of kindness,
meaningless, because now,
he's dead.
and it really effected no one.
because he's dead,
and everyone else is not.
no one cares about how his parents where both executed
by the government
lethal injections
for crimes they were later acuitted of,
he got an apology,
but it doesnt matter now,
because he's dead.
he's gone.
goodbye.
goodbye.
goodbye.
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Tuesday, August 09, 2005

evil lives
well, its been awhile since I've updated. Not much but school and stuff have been happening. nothing to report. nothing to say. nothing much at all. the relationship between me and sonia is developing quite nicely, i like where she is taking me, she makes me feel complete. like a real person again. i dont know if you could tell that from my picture, but its the truth. ok. time for sleep and bad dreams. im scarred for life.
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Wednesday, August 03, 2005

the poodle in my pocket
I havent made a journal entry lately. I've been alright. The dig is going ok. We haven't found that much. We found an old decanter and some window glass today along with some of the outer layer of the structure we would be excavating. There was a bunch of bones of dead cows out there, I liked it. I like bones. They are so cool looking. It's so cool my whole life would be meaningless without them. My dependence on them is unparalleled with anything else in this universe. Besides Sonia, she is everything. Without her, I believe I would be lost. She brings so much joy into my life that I cant imagine what it would be like without her. Something tried an compromise what we had together and I'm so glad that it didnt phase her. Another reason I believe she is simply amazing. I dont know how she does it. When I'm with her, when she smiles at me, everything melts away, she melts my heart. The way she looks at me, the way she smells, everything is so cute and beautiful and unique. I dont know where she's been hiding all these years, but I really wish she would've swept me off my feet years earlier. I keep looking at her picture and all I can think is, "wow, she really likes me."
Well, it's about quitting time.
Signing off,
Bryan
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Monday, August 01, 2005

the human fund
if you ever find rubber bands in your soup, you'll know thats one of my places.
Paco! Cookin in the kitchen tonight.
Whoa, I just got $20,000 dollars from a guy named Kruger.
Well, time to go buy a bottle of Patron and drink until I pass out.
It's wintery cold outside and I need some air.
I need to see my girlfriend soon, she's hot.
Well, I wish that I didn't seem so desperately nervous about this concert this weekend.
Ah well.
There's no such thing as the Human Fund.
Dont you ever get me a fake christmas gift.
I celebrate the Festivist.
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Thursday, July 28, 2005

I am
in a lot of pain and fat.
2:21 PM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove


Wednesday, July 27, 2005

earthen floor
Today, I was digging my unit at the site I'm currently excavating and I got down to this hard ass clay stuff. I started pounding away at it, then I realized that it might actually be something. So I finished that unit and moved on. Nice eh? Everybody else found nails and shit, I found a floor, maybe. Well, not much else besides being extremely dirty and sunburned. But I figure I'll take a shower and use that Axe shit and hopefully get clean. Supposedly its how dirty boys get clean? I dont know I heard something about it during the news. Anyways, I'm off to sleep before I kill myself from not sleeping in so long or whatever. I actually slept alot last night. I hate the train that lives by my apt, it wakes me up at the worst possible times during the night. Oh well, Off To Beds. But wait, I was reading Haunted, by Chuck Palahnuik and heres what he wrote. He made a suggestion that people are like jagged, ugly stones. Then they get thrown into a rock tumbler that spins them around and around and crashes them against one another until eventually they become smooth and clear and pretty. He says thats what life does to you, all the bad stuff just smooths out everything. I think that pretty much says it for me.
12:32 PM - 1 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove



Monday, July 25, 2005

long day's journey
Whoa. Today was so long. I woke up at 6 am. Well shit, I didnt go to sleep until 5:35 am. So that was pretty damn lame. Then I went to the research campus and met all 12 people in our group, then we picked up some gear and drove out to this home that was like 35 mins away. We started walking around, looking at everything. I feel like I sort of missed out on this day because the whole time that these people were talking I was in my own little world, thinking about everything but archaeology. I was thinking, especially, of that little girl over there in odessa that I am missing so. We've only been together a month, we've known each other longer, but somethings there that I havent felt with anyone else. It seems so much more, right, if that makes sense. I just dont feel bad being myself around her, and obviously she doesn't feel weird about being herself around me, which is nice. I was just imagining the possibilities in my mind, rolling them over and over. Where could this lead, blah blah blah.

After that disgusting 8 hrs of work, I get home around 315pm and then call these Time Warner Bitches and it takes them like 4 hours to get all this cable stuff re-setup. Plus they are charging me some 300 dollar lost equipment fee, when I'm pretty sure they got all their shit back. I think I might have to go down there and beat some heads in, seeing as how I just barely got 600 for the next few months and I dont want those sons of bitches stealing it. I dont really care though, whatever right? Well, I need some REAL sleep pretty soon now, I also need to eat, I haven't eaten a scrap today and I got really sunburned, so that makes me tired and hungrey and in pain all at the same time. It's a marvelous feeling.

I know it's lame, but I just got done reading the Harry Potter book, the new one. It was fantastic, that writer has a gift of storytelling beyond any person I've known. She is really able to create this alternate universe inside my mind where all this shit really exsists. I know I know, wow I'm dumb, I mean I got my girlfriend to buy the book for me so I didnt look all dumb paying for it....heh. But, I can't help but long for the final book to come out so I can finally put to rest all the unanswered questions that the last book put forth, that means the lady did a good job. I'm not always like that with stuff that sucks, so, yeh.

The only thing I dont like about those books is that they make my life seem so ordinary and plain. I wish I was a wizard. But whatever, I'm a fucking ordinary guy, that just does ordinary stuff, I dont think I'll ever fly. But for now, it's nice to dream and shit.

Well, now it seems like the day is winding down, I'm sure it will end just like yesterday did, with me staying up watching tv on my couch, talking to Sonia until I fall asleep, then waking up at 530am and repeating today all over again.
6:01 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove



Saturday, July 23, 2005

little
When I was younger I was happy. Things happened. I wasn't little anymore. Now I am me and I am happy. But I dont know who I am anymore. Who have I turned into? I'm not sure I feel like I care anymore. Scenes in bathtubs made me question what it is life really means to me. I think I'm tired of it. I'm not sure. I'm tired of the same old heart ache everyday, I'm tired of waking up with the same old pain. There are days whenever I dont have that, whenever I'm happy when I wake up. But those days are few, the mornings I wake up alone and find myself as I always do hurt the most. I could be strong, try and fight my way through the life I'm living. But I get tired. I need sleep. I want to die at any moment. But now, things have changed. I'm not little anymore. I cant just die. People need me. Things have changed. I cant be selfish. Life is going on, whether or not I'm a part of it or not, but the death of me would surely cause some agony. So I keep moving on. I keep living every day by day by day. Until that moment that I can roll off to sleep and never wake up again.
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Saturday, July 16, 2005

speed
the last entry was made in haste. actually this whole summer was made in haste. one quick decision after another, it seems like thats my life now. quick quick fast fast fast faster fade. thats me. thats my cycle. for those of you who may not understand cycles it works like shampoo directions. lather, rinse, repeat. lather, rinse, repeat. for eternity. my life like this. i cant compare it to anything else though because it's my life and theres nothing like it. i'm like a shooting star. a long one. it trails across the sky and everyone whose looking in that direction stares in amazement and it burns so brightly you want to close your eyes but you cant stop looking. then it disappears across the sky and everyone wants so badly to see another one like it that they just stare up at the sky. it's gone. there is nothing else coming. they spend their whole lives just searching for another one of those bright shooting stars. but they never find it. thats me. shooting across the whole sky. causing everything in my path to burn. the things i leave behind turn to tattered, charred remains of ashes and string. no one understand how badly they are burned until they are forced to examine who they are and how they got there and why it happened. this is my shitty legacy to leave behind. a trail of destruction. yet im not sad. but i've discovered the reason that this happened. i've come to terms with it. when i was 13, i got burned by a star and it left a scar in my mind that i've been trying to fix for 8 years. this shooting star was sinister, threatening, sad. and now because i was molested i cant look at anything the same. it happened and im here and i dont cry. but when people look at me they cant help thinking "who shot the light out of that guy?" it wasnt any one individual, it was a semi-circle of circumstances that surrounded me and made me feel like this was really the way people are. i've realized that it's not. that's not how real people are raised. that's why i'm so different. i'm a product of coincidence. the result of an accident. i've been that way my whole life. nothing changes. it all just comes. fast. fast. fast. nothing stays, it just flows, fast fast fade. and i cant stop it, theres not much i can do. i thought long ago that it was me that went astray, but it was my path in life that veered me wrong and when it got to some sort of obstacle it just slammed me head first into it. but i never once gave up. i kept going. i let the cycles play themselves out. i let them finish. i just layed there and took it. i couldnt do anything else. i was held down. the path finished and it was actually me that had the last laugh. because im here today. not broken. not finished. happy. excited. zestful. i've got a life to live and history wont keep me down. my body wont let me. i tried smoking, the cycle of smoking, it came fast fast fast like everything else. i tried sex, it came way too fastfastfast. i tried obesity. that came eventually, yet it was way to fast, but they came, fast, fast, fast, then faded. everything faded. some had a slower fade, but they did fade. and now i'm here. moving fast fast fast keeping busy. trying not to think about reality too much. when i do i get depressed. i dont know who i am. i dont know what i'm doing. i need control, or at least feeling like i have it. when i'm busy i do. but when i think, i realize i have no control over anything. i realize i am nothing. everything i say and do are lies. the reality i create for everyone else is a lie, a vail to shield me from them. a way to keep myself alive in their minds. to not be forgotten. it's all just a ruse. my life. my plan. its the speed that keeps it going. the momentum of the moment. the fortitude of the lie. my plan, the unspoken truth, unmolested pure imaginary truth. the essence of God. it's lost in me. but the speed. i would die without the tempo. it keeps my song going. it keeps my life flowing. the faster time flies, the closer i am to something else. and yet. when i slow. slow slow slow black. things get bad.
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murder at the redrum
well tonight was crazy, tons of people at the moving party for redrum, we were the first guys, we did it good. people dug it. saw willy wonka it was great.

sonia is gone. I'm lonely. my insides feel dead. why is she gone? because. i love being with her, she makes me so happy. her kisses take my breath away and whenever we bump heads it hurts so good. all and all, she makes me the happiest ive been in awhile and makes me wanna stay with her forever. until she makes me sad and kills me with her words. ha. joking. anyways. haha.

joe is my sunshine. he lives sin my bodies. end end.
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Thursday, July 14, 2005

honey bile
hey, im in austin, working out the strands of time that bares me within the souls of men. that and been spending time with the lady of my dreams. shes beautiful. sitting right next to me saying "ohohhhhh" I just thought I'd key you in to the love thats taking place in the world today, especially love for machines.
peices.
b
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Saturday, July 09, 2005

hot
fuckin racist i hate you all and die you must i hope your world is turned to dust you shit me out and take me for a ride i hope you die and it hurts i hope you suffer suffer until you last light has grown dim i hope you fucking choke on the rope you gave me i hope you suffer suffer and make suggestions and i hope you kill yourself with the lies you fed me i hope you die and suffer suffer until the last light of your life is broken and i hope you feel pain your whole life and i hope it never ends i hope your world dies and your still in it trapped without oxygen i hope your lungs fill up with sand until your barely able to stand and when you fall with the weight of my heart that it crushes you into the ground and you suffer suffer until the tides come and fucking wash you away i hope you die and die one thousand times every night i hope your world turns black quicker than you can turn your back on me i hope i get proved right that your a fucking whore and your mom just understood that yes i hope you fucking die i hope it hurts i hope your world is suffer suffer i hope you hurt i hope you feel pain i hope you never gain that your always nothing i hope your suffer suffer until you die die die.
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run
Continue this statement: Sometimes I feel like my friends dont listen, especially when I....Yeh. Sometimes you try to talk, to tell someone something, but they just dont listen and you just wish you could explain yourself. I feel guilty talking around them. But thats life. I dont think my plans with Sonia are going to go through this week, which makes me sad because I've got to go back to Austin and that means I've got to leave her. I love spending time with her and when I'm not with her, the world is just that much dimmer. But I'll see her again. I just miss the times we would've had in Austin. It's not her fault though, sometimes circumstances just dont permit things. I'd like to thing its because the worst things always happen, but thats really not the case, it's just coincidence. But I am finally getting pretty good at judging coincidence. I hate my schedule as of late. I never sleep when I'm supposed to be sleeping. I lay awake and think about things. I think about Sonia alot, about everything. I think about John. I think about Alyssa. About my parents, my brother. I think about my friends. I think about where I'm going. Sometimes I feel like I am just waiting for the right moment to jump in and start living. But everything just seems like a prelude to something else. I cant wait until the song begins and I can start building up to the climax. Because I can tell it's going to be good. I haven't really had a climax before. I mean in sex, sure, MASTURBATION always seems to provide me with those. But those are little individual unimportant climaxii. This climax will be the final one, but there will be no winding down. It's just poof. I'm dead then. I wonder what I'll be like when I'm older. Frail and feeble. Wishing I hadn't drank and smoked so much when I was 20. Wishing I had been more careful with my habits. Praying that I wake up every night before I go to sleep. Hoping that my wife wont die before I do. The climax will be the day I bite the bucket. A story 80, 90, or maybe just 22 yrs in the making will be through. All I will have to show for it, to reference it will be the writing I do now. So if I died tomorrow, these would be my last words. I should probably record all my regrets, my sorrys, my last responses to the people I care about. I should go ahead and expose my true self, the one nobody will like. I should tell everyone the whole truth about me. But I cant. I'm to scared of being alone. I'm afraid if I tell everyone the truth it would be so horrible that my family might disown me, my friends would definitely leave. I'd have to start new somewhere else. Hopefully start fresh. I always get myself into these ruts. I can start again. It will just be hard. I've re-written my entire history and turned my life into a movie of sorts, where everyone, especially me, is just acting. I am no longer real, the things I do and say are scripted by me long before I say them. I am a news reported reading off of the prompter in my brain. No one knows what I am talking about, because it is a secret I will take to my grave. Just talking about it makes me nervous. These are the days that make me wish I would have pulled the trigger. As overly dramatic as that sounds, dont laugh but I actually did buy a gun and ammunition and did load the gun and did press it to my head. The idea of someone finding me like that was oddly appealing. I would like that. For that to be the last thing they remember about me, just a body. How strange it would look for them, this misshapen body represented without a head. I'm glad I didn't. I need to climax with so much more than that.
But will I end with the shadows,
the words do not deny.
Everything that's been said,
will kill me in the end.
With all the time passed by,
I shall utter one last cry.
So basically I am here, this coming year will be nuts, I've got to start some research and hopefully get some of it published in some sort of scientific journal somewhere so I can claim that I am worthy enough to get into the Masters Program and UT Knoxville's Forensic Anthro program. Maybe I wont make it. I need Letters of Recomendation, a 3.75 GPA, a GRE test, and assorted other crappy things. They want a writing sample. I think it would be funny to send them a blog. Just as a joke. Then send them the real thing later. Better not though. It seems like anthropologists dont take to jokes to kindly. Unless they are lame. Then they love them. I think me and Sonia, we're going somewhere. You know how you get the feeling about someone, like they are really going to be an important thing in your life? She definitely sends me that vibe and I cant help but smile whenever I think about us. Maybe thats just my lame side coming out, but I could see myself waking up every morning and kissing her and never getting bored. Life is just. That's the answer I've been looking for these past few months. Things come around, things go, petty problems get substituted for bigger ones and people die horribly painful deaths. But I'm alive and I will be until I die.

Currently listening:
The Wanderer
By O.A.R. (Of a Revolution)
Release date: By 20 February, 2001

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Friday, July 08, 2005

quote
A mother, even at the risk of her own life, protects her child, her only child. In the same way should you cultivate love without measure toward all beings. You should cultivate toward the whole world--above, below, around--a heart of love unstinted, unmixed with any sense of differing or opposing interests. You should maintain this mindfulness all the time you are awake. Such a state of heart is the best in the world.

-Majjhima Nikaya
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tonight
Today. What a day. It was long. Not much doing really, but I had a wonderful time with that girlfriend of mine. Things are coming together nicely. I dont have a thing in the world to complain about and could it be? Yes, I'm happy. How could I not be? Life as of lately has had it's ups and downs, but all the bad shit that has happened, everything that I've come to terms with, all the bad memories have finally congealed into my head as a solid mass and I am able to deal with them as such. It used to be that these horrible memories and experiences would fly around in my head back and forth and back and forth, but now, they are all still. I think I've controlled them. The hardest thing was admitting how fucked up a childhood I had and just getting over it and not feeling sorry for myself. The hardest part of that was seeing through all the happy parts. My chilhood was strange, split into two different parts. The happy part and the dark part. The dark part contains things that no child should ever have to experience and that no child of mine will ever experience. The happy part was lovely, I miss it even. To be absolutely honest with everyone, I'm not even sure how I made it this far. When I was 13, I was positive that I would kill myself before I turned 21. But here it is, weeks away. I made it. I didn't die and I didn't have a breakdown and sure I have little fits of paranoia and panic every so often, but pretty much I'm just alright. I'm happy. This girlfriend of mine, she's the best. She cares about me and that's exactly what I need. There is no pressures, no worries. It's just us and everybody else. I saw an old friend today, Travis. It was good seeing him and I miss our good old days, but I realized how selfish I was with my friends, sometimes, some friends, I've treated them like shit. I guess we all have but I feel bad. So many people have come and gone through my life already that it seems unbelievable. I need some consistency and so far I've got that with my remaining friends. My family. I feel like they are sort of running ragged. I dont know what to do for them. They are all on the verges but nobody wants to talk about it. No one really knows how close they came to being one member short. I dont blame them, our family is a very busy group. I just wish that we all took some time to figure out what was going on with each other. I could have used some moral support from them on more than one occasion while I was growing up, not saying it wasn't offered, it just was never offered at the right time. I need an unconditional offer from someone that I cant seem to procure from any source, familial or otherwise. Actually, I take that back. I get it from work, school, writing, reading, escapism. They are always there, will always be there, when I need their distractions. Taking me to different places when I feel like the walls are closing in and I start hearing people screaming because I haven't slept in too long. Those times, no amount of singing or music or television can drown out the sounds of people fighting in my head. The tennis match of screams that echoes through my mind these lonely, quite nights never really brought me comfort. It felt like my disease may still be hiding inside me. Waiting for a chance to strike when I'm at my most vulnerable. I have a lot to say usually. When people get me started talking, sometimes I can't stop, I just rumble on and on until I feel like I've talked too much and I make myself shut up. I think I just want to effect as many people as I can, because I seem myself in the mirror every morning and I realize that that day, I am one day closer to the end of my life and if I dont do something soon, something meaningful, I might lose the chance to do so. So I tell her she looks beautiful, that she means everything to me. I lay my cards down, show my hand because I might not get another chance to do so. While it doesnt seem like I'm a coward by doing this in all actuality, I am. I am a coward because I dont trust fate and I dont trust tomorrow. I dont even trust the next second because something may happen that I dont like, it will happen. So I live on what I can and I never get scared. I dont show my emotions physically, I dont know how. I internalize everything. I get by that way. I dont know how other people do it. I dont know how they stay sane. It's hard for me sometimes, I'm not saying that to sound cool or different or anything like that. I really struggle everyday at the edge of sanity. I have to teeter on that cliff. I have to be sympathetic to the plight of murders, child molesters, and rapists. Because they will ultimately become my job and by knowing why they do the things they do, I will know how to get them. They aren't sick or twisted to me, they are just a fact a life, societies practical joke on civilization. God's little way of saying thank you to all war mongers and poverty that is inflicted on millions of people by the working class. It does not make it right by any standard. But it happens, they are there, I believe that saying about keeping your friends close and your enemies closer. That's where my brain stops, where I try and give up on thinking and just remember that I'm just 20 yrs old and I'm not dead and people care about me and that I should just quit. I do and the world just keeps on going. Even as you read this, the sun is shining somewhere on someone killing somone else, and elsewhere there are billions of people who dont give a good God Damn.
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Thursday, July 07, 2005

life
is no longer the same.
Things have changed, rapidly, too fast,
I'm so grateful.
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Monday, July 04, 2005

imbreed
Hello from Tennessee, Knoxville to be precise. I drove last night from Austin, TX to Knoxville Tennessee. I started at 2 pm and got here around 9 am. It was an insane 16 hr or so drive and I drove the whole way. No Stops. As me and my friend pulled into Arkansas, we noticed something, not flat. It was rocky. The people are crazy. In TN there is a creepy dead feeling floating around the whole town. No one was there. Everyone was at a 4th of July Festival. What the fucks going on? Everyone stares at us like we're the weirdos. These people are insane and I cannot imagine living here for 4 years, even it is the best school to go too. My God. This is what years and years of imbreeding have gotten us. Don't get me wrong, I'm never usually this hostile. But Tony has been the only Mexican I've seen all day today and that worries the hell out of me. Something tells me this place has got a bad case of STDs going on somewhere here. If you've never been to TN, it's really really beautiful. The trees the mountains, the buildings whose foundations are crumbling. It's nice. But. Not for me. If I knew any of my family, I wouldn't sleep with them. I dont know exactly what the hell is going on in this town, but something bad is. Me and Tony, we both got bad vibes, in our stomachs, muscles, it was just a stressful place. I miss Sonia, I miss Austin. I dont want to spend the next 4 or 5 years of my life here in this second corner of hell, but if this girl is really everything it's supposed to be, I will do it. I have too. Maybe it will humble me. Seriously, if you've lived in a big city all your life you've got to come out here and experience everything the South East part of America has to offer. Creepy Fucking Country is what we've got here, something very very bad happened here.
Take it from me.
Yours Truly,
Bryan
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Sunday, July 03, 2005

demag=3
blue cloth with gold trim,
time for a new sin,
cold breath with black pins,
back again to where we begin.

cold nights, bright lights,
sick minds with good tries,
but the tide binds, the world behind,
in my mind erase those lies.

wrinkled sheets with white stains,
trying hard to stay sane,
deep blues and purple hues,
cast away your ugly bruise.

empty nights, solid light,
tricky minds and golden tries,
as the tides rise, leaves the mind behind,
the glass is kind against the lies.

pretty feet and empty seats,
time again for a new sin,
broken hearts bleed pink meat,
trying hard to find the beat.

messy gardens inside my head,
broken bones make people dead,
but as they rise, against the bed,
take us to hell, in suits of red.
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Thursday, June 30, 2005

hit
tonight.
another crazy austin night.
i miss these crazy austin days. alot.
so i went to this salsa bar with my buddy, we didnt see anything happening so we left.
then we went to this other place, and this friend was pretty tore up by then, anyways, he starts grabbing girls asses and getting rowdy. i calm him down, ha, he's crazy. he tells me he runs the mexican mafia. he also tells me he is a gold hunter, and that he has these machines that will find treasure, xray machines. he's going to get 6 million dollars, and share with me of course. but, he starts talking to these two older ladies, i think they were 25. one of them tells me shes done a xanax and that reminds me of john. i feel bad for her but we all do shots together. their weird, they start telling me i have nice teeth and that im cute, so i can stand by them. i tell them thanks, try to sort of disassociate myself, but my friend keeps nagging them, telling them he will pay them for sex. 150 he says. nah i tell them, it's not worth it i swear. ha. they laugh. we laugh. one of the girls, tells me all about her job, blah blah, then she asks ME for MY number. i say, uh, i have a girlfriend, i dunno if she'd like that at all. she sort of smiled and said " well she doesnt have to know you gave it to me," and i say "yeh, i dont lie to her, plus she means almost everything to me, sorry bro." then she sort of stops talking to me, then tells us shes gonna go use the bathroom and they never come back. anyways, i think they stole my friends credit card, but i can be sure, i had to pretty much carry him all the way back to where i parked his car, which was a mile away, then carry him up stair into the apt and convince him that we were going to a "skin bar" but i just had to use the bathroom first. so i tell him to wait on the couch, and i go into the bathroom and call my girlfriend. then pee and all that. she didnt answer, probably because it was so late but i feel so bad that i didnt get to talk to her that much today. is it weird that shes all i think about the whole day? she occupies my every thought. i cant sleep now because i just keep thinking about what its going to be like when i get back and see her and am able to hold her and kiss her and... you get the picture. i miss her so much and my friends make me realize what a special thing we have. i cant even look at girls anymore because shes all i need. its the strangest feeling, especially for me. i dont get it, but she came at exactly the right time. she means alot to me, she saved me and she has no idea. well. thats all i guess i needed to get off my chest. i wish i could hear her voice, its so soothing, like listening to the ocean waves slap against the sand over and over, its hypnotizing, its so smooth and beautiful. i never talk to anyone on the phone, but her, i could just sit there and listen to her breath and i would be content. she's hit me hard, but she doesnt even realize it. integration really isnt so bad. i just hope she hasnt forgotten me. i feel so much like a teenager that its not even funny. now, my dreams will commence and i will count the seconds until i see the face that i yearn for every night before i sleep. if she was here right now, i'd be perfect.
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Tuesday, June 28, 2005

the prince
he touched her hand,
she felt him let go,
he looked into her eyes,
and she said no.
he could do nothing,
she has said nothing.

but the skies have grown dark,
without him,
she's lonely and sad
and she cant accept
that he's gone now,
stuffed inside a shallow grave inside her brain.

he left her alone,
with nothing to hold,
he never meant to hurt her
yet he's hurt her so.
those perfectly aligned dreams she's seen have been driven into the desert and she's lost and lonely, and she cant stop crying, she's trying so hard to understand, he's left her with no explanation, taking with him on last exasperation, her love it's shattered and battered. If she ever loves again, stops seeing him in every man she meets, if she finally beats the pain she's received, he'll not be happy, because see everything he's put her through was to just assure that she would never leave him, so he's wasted himself so that he would never feel pain again, but.
he's left her alone,
with nothing to hold,
he'd never mean to hurt her,
but he's basically destroyed her.
with his desmise, to her surprise, she'll always cry, and this will always echo in my mind.
he never said goodbye.
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his body, it's turning to......jelly.
ha, I thought that was a funny line. Just up here at work, wanted to put up another blog to add to the 5,000 I put up already. I'm bored bored bored, which is weird because I am not usually bored at work. But with school out and everyone gone, it's sorta shitty. I miss that girlie, it seems like it's been awhile, but only three days, I know I am pathetic. But ah well, look at her she's beautiful, how could someone not miss a smile like that? I dont know either. Oh well. I think my stubble is getting to the point where I gotta shave it, because its itching the hell out of my neck. Have you ever noticed that you can spell knee with a K but not neck. I wish it was kneck, that would be so cool. But its not. Oh well. These are things I think about while everyone rots away in the freezies as I've started calling them. It's all about the euphmism. I think I'll name everything with little cute names and then maybe people wont be so afraid of this place. Like the scalpels will be called Scalpies and the Saw will be called the Spinny Thing. Also, I'll rename the autopsies to Truth Sessions for Determining why this Poor Schmuck is Dead. Sound nice to everyone else? I thought so. I will be heading off to Tennessee on the 3rd, be back the 9th. I cant wait. I cant wait to see her shining face again. Heh, she smells pretty and this place, it doesnt. But I wouldnt trade this stinky stuff for anything else, because it's the good shit right here. Alanis Morsette should join the Boogeyman and start a Shiny Cave, which is a night club that serves only non-alcoholic beer? Sounds intriguing yes? They could start a new thing, I'm an entrepeneur. I'll be mailing that idea to myself tout suite.
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the line
when did I cross the line? I dont remember exactly. It's like just one day I was across it and everyone else was on the other side. I cant explain to them what its like over here, it just is. Its really not that I dont care, that I'm cold and push everyone away. I dont lie. I try not too. But there is just so much bad and sad things everywhere that I dont know how to escape it. But this girl now, shes pulling me back across the line. I like it, I really dont mind. She makes me feel like I'm 16 again and its great. But now there is like this whole seperate life that I have from her to work. But really, how could you really keep them together. I think I am going to help some new people cross the line, and I'm going to try to make it easy for them. Maybe she'll cross the line, she'll have to if she really wants to be with me. It'll happen eventually for her too, just like me, just like everyone will eventually. Abandonment, it's so far away from my mind, I think it would be lonely, but it seems like I've been alone for so long that sometimes its really nice to just have someone to talk to and be with. I'm a loner, thats fine. But then she's there and it's nice I just hope I dont get into the rhythm of it and get used to it. I was thinking. Here I am looking out a window of a forty story apartment building in a big city. I'm looking out and thinking about a woman I've been seeing alot lately. An old lady. I visit her at her house but she really gets on my nerves. She always tries to sing and asks me to do everything for her. It gets really annoying and I ask her if she ever goes outside? She says no, she hasnt been out since her husband died last year. He always took her everywhere. I say oh. Then she asks me to get a jar down for her. So there I am staring out my window, back from her house. My clothes smell like old women. But I'm thinking again, how sad she must be. Little do I know, she's laying in her bed, crying. She's staring at a picture of her husband, wishing he was there to sleep with her. She hates waking up in the morning alone. She hates making coffee for herself and no one else. In fact, the only thing that is keeping her from just completely giving up are the weekly visits from me. I dont know. So I keep looking out the window, wishing I was somewhere else, listening to music about wishing they were somewhere else, in a world where everyone wishes they were somewhere else, when all they really need to be is there.
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Monday, June 27, 2005

play
Scene: The play opens on a stage with two men, one of whom is a man around 60 with a balding head of white hair and a sharp white beard. He is wearing a pale grey suit with a black bow tie. He is PIRANDELLO. The two men are sitting around a table, PINTER reading a newspaper and PIRANDELLO relaxing in his chair. PINTER, the other man, is a clean-shaven man wearing a black cotton shirt and brown trousers. He has more hair than PIRANDELLO and yet he looks much older. They both stand in a theater stage, but there is a set piece in the middle of the stage that is made up to look something like a basement, with a few chairs, a table, a small stove and a bathroom.
The lights off to the side of the basement set piece are bright, but inside the set they are dim.

PIRANDELLO stands up and goes to a door in the set piece and walks out, but the light seems too bright so he goes back in the set. PINTER glances up from the paper and PIRANDELLO looks at him. They both stare at each in silence as if this is really the first time they had ever seen each other. Then PINTER looks back to the paper.
PIRANDELLO then goes into the bathroom, and there are sounds of flushing in the background. He comes out and looks at PINTER, who looks back at him. Then PIRANDELLO crosses the room and sits down at the table across from him.

PINTER. Listen to this. [Begins to read from the paper, slowly.] A homeless man was dragged 6 miles down a street by a driver, oblivious to the fact that the man had fallen asleep under his car. [A few seconds later] It says it took them 12 hours to clean up the mess that it made.

PIRANDELLO. It took who 12 hours?

PINTER. The authorities I assume.

PIRANDELLO. Ah. What else does it say?

PINTER. The world is ending tomorrow.

PIRANDELLO. The world is ending tomorrow?

PINTER. Yes, that’s what it says.

PIRANDELLO. You shouldn’t believe everything you read you know?

PINTER. Agreed.

The two men then shift around a bit, PINTER gets up then sits down again, PIRANDELLO tries to walk outside the set piece again but cannot bear the bright light.

PIRANDELLO. Speech. It seems overrated to me. It seems like you could say so much by saying so little, that words only seem to try and describe the feelings of nothingness that is the truth of every aspect of our life.

Silence

PINTER. Then why do you speak so much?

PIRANDELLO. Because expression seems to me to be the ultimate way of living, using your thoughts to create something that never existed and will never actually be.

PINTER. So what’s the point then?

PIRANDELLO. The point? Nothing’s the point.

PINTER. How can you believe that when things...

A loud knock at the door interrupts PINTER. The two men grab guns from holsters they had been wearing around their belts and walk slowly towards the door. PINTER nods to PIRANDELLO and then swings open the door. Six people are standing in the doorway, all dressed in black.

PINTER. What is it? [Angling the gun at the family]

THE FATHER. Sir, we need a place to stay and perhaps some food, anything you could help us with would be appreciated.

PIRANDELLO. Is this your family sir?

THE FATHER. Yes sir, this is our family, we’ve been through a rough few years and are just looking for some food and perhaps some water, we haven’t eaten in three days and my wife is pregnant. Please allow us to stay for a few hours, we wont be in the way.

PINTER. No, you need to leave.

PIRANDELLO. For God’s sakes man, this guy’s wife is pregnant, and thirsty. You can all come in for a bit, but I’m afraid we both have some business to take care of so you’ll need to be quick about it. We really don’t have much to eat or drink, but whatever we do have your welcome.

THE FATHER AND FAMILY. Thank you sirs.

PINTER. What the hell are you doing? Did you forget why we are here?

PIRANDELLO. Calm down, it’s just for a minute, they just need some rest. I can’t turn away someone, I’ve been turned away myself.

PINTER. Well who hasn’t been turned away? Just make sure they leave quickly.

PIRANDELLO. That’s fine.

The family comes in and settles around the set piece, the father and mother go to a kettle and begin to make some tea and the kids fall asleep around the room. The two men go and sit by the door. PINTER continues to read the paper and PIRANDELLO stares at the children sleeping.

PIRANDELLO. Did you ever think you could have children? I mean with the job and all?

PINTER. No, never wanted them, too much of a hassle.

PIRANDELLO. I’ve always wanted them, to make something beautiful you know? Maybe pass my knowledge onto my kids?

PINTER. You really think that’s a good idea? We aren’t really the best sort of people. We don’t make much money and we pretty much have to sell ourselves. What kind of life is that?

PIRANDELLO. It’s a life.

PINTER. Yeh, but…

THE MOTHER. Excuse me gentlemen, but do either of you have any cigarettes I could borrow?

PINTER. Lady, you should not be smoking, it’s bad for the baby.

THE MOTHER. Yes, I tried to quit but I just couldn’t do it. Do you have any?

PIRANDELLO. I’m sorry, we don’t smoke.

THE MOTHER. Oh. Well, thanks again for your hospitality.

Then THE MOTHER walks away, PIRANDELLO and PINTER look at each other then look away. The children are still sleeping and the parents have finally stopped trying to make the stove work and have fallen asleep on the floor.

Whispering, PIRANDELLO and PINTER continue their conversation.

PIRANDELLO. You know, you and me, we are sort of alike.

PINTER. How do you figure that?

PIRANDELLO. Well, besides the job of course, we both feel isolated, we both have this feeling like things could be better, but we’re confused on how to get things that way. We know that life isn’t always fair and that things aren’t concrete, but in the end, we are both pretty much striving for the same thing.

PINTER. Which is what?

PIRANDELLO. To create something magnificent that everyone can enjoy, to open up the minds of our audience and force them to hear us and accept us.

PINTER. Well, most of what I do I don’t want anyone to know about, I’m subversive and I like it that way, I cant lay everything out all at once, it doesn’t make sense to do that

PIRANDELLO. It does if you’re me. I suppose everyone does have some minute differences, it’s stupid and inane though, because the world is a generalization, and when you generalize people like you and me, we are pretty much the same sir.

PINTER. I agree with you on that, but life shouldn’t be so clear cut, we shouldn’t just have to sit here and wait for some Dumb Waiter to tell us what to do next. We should stop and just go and try and make ourselves something new.

PIRANDELLO. Exactly why I think that we are the same. I’m tired of this job, everyone does it, or they try to, but nobody else can really do it like we can. I guess that’s why we have to do this.

PINTER. I guess.

PIRANDELLO. Well, lets start now.

PINTER. Now?

PIRANDELLO. There’s no better time than now.

PINTER. Why not wait?

PIRANDELLO. You said you were tired of waiting.

PINTER. Yes but that doesn’t mean I want to do it now.

PIRANDELLO. Well if not now then later, might as well do it now.

PINTER. I suppose.

PIRANDELLO. You suppose correctly, lets go now.

PINTER. That’s fine.

Both the men stand up and take their guns from their holsters. The children and the parents wake up and look up at the men. PIRANDELLO shoots at the children and PINTER shoots the parents. When they have finished, PIRANDELLO opens the door to walk out. The light blinds him from the outside the set and he shuts the door.

PIRANDELLO. It’s too bright out to leave, can’t we get someone to turn off the light?

PINTER. Are you serious? We can turn off the lights.

PINTER opens the door and all that stands outside is darkness.

PINTER. Is that better?

PIRANDELLO. Much better.

Then PIRANDELLO steps out the door and into the darkness, back into reality.
Just as PINTER is going to walk out the door, he hears a noise. He walks towards the Dumb Waiter, opens it and finds a note inside. He quickly opens the letter and reads what it says out loud.

PINTER. We regret to inform you but the guns you have used were not props, they were accidentally switched with live guns and you have just killed six innocent people. I suggest that you leave immediately.

PINTER drops the letter and runs to the Father. He shakes him but he does not respond. Pinter looks white as a sheet as he realizes the severity of the situation. He tries to call on Pirandello but he knows he has already gone.

PINTER. I try to do something good and things always end up badly.

PINTER picks up the gun and tries to shoot himself, but there seem to be no bullets left. He sighs. He puts the gun down.

PINTER. Lights!

The lights come on off the set and PINTER walks onto the stage and sees PIRANDELLO standing stage right.
They look at each other.
Then they both run off stage.

Curtain.
11:49 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove



en mi sueno
solamente uno sueno,
en mi cabeza, solamente un sueno,
por mi corazon no tengo numero,
solament mi pelo, mi cabeza tengo un numero,
numero ocho siete, un sueno es grande,
solamente uno sueno,
en mi cabeza, solamente un sueno,
la sueno que no estan facil,
exactemnto, mi professora,
mi pinche professora,
mi novia es mi sueno,
tu es mi novia, mi sueno,
non,
solamente uno sueno,
en mi cabeza solamente un sueno,
por mi corazon no tengo numero.

uno dos tres,
cuatro cinco seis,
oh my god
ive finally died
oh my god
your gonna cry
uno dos tres
cuatro cinco seis,
not right now,
i gotta go.
maybe some other time,
i gotta go.
11:44 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove



price we pay
I’ll have one taste
Of that grey pain
Then swallow it down,
It makes me relax
Take it real slow
It's to easy
Follow myself
and we'll both stop breathing.
Take one down then pass it around
We dont have time for you to waste
All we've got is a belly full of hate so
Take one down then pass it around
We dont have things for you see
and our wasted lives,
seemed pretty good to me.

I'll take the bait
Of your embrace
Then forget you came
It makes me sad
So I take it really so
It's way to easy
to follow myself
and we'll both try hard.
Take one down then pass it around
We dont have time for you to waste
All we've got is a belly full of hate so
Take on down then pass it around
We dont have things for you see
and our wasted lives,
seemed pretty good to me.

I’ll take one look
Of your fake heart
Then chew it up and spit it out
I'll write a book
On what you've done
Then ruin your life and buy a gun
I'll take my gun
to your house
I'll then call home
and cast a doubt
Then swallow you whole.
I'll be in jail
because of you
this pain will stay
forever with me
until this day.
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Monday, June 27, 2005

Happy Satan Time
2: oh look its the worlds greatest grandma
1: yeep
2: i answered your survey
1: so you'd fuck me? thats dirty
2: seeing how we already have
1: oh yeh?
2: nice - thanks for forgetting
1: haha
1: uhh i didnt
2: didnt think so
2: just messin with ya
1: yeh
2: i see
1: I didnt know that
1: wow
1: good for you
2: or good for you
1: not really I have girlfriend
2: right
1: I do
2: i know
1: ha
1: how?
2: i was saying right
2: youve told me
1: whhhhen?
2: i dont know
2: maybe its not the same one but i knew you had one
1: yeh i had one
1: but uh we broke up a long time ago
1: like in oct.
2: oh i see
1: and ive been single since then
2: leeann
1: since yeh
1: leeann
2: yeh
1: but i got me a new one
1: shes really awesome man
1: i like her alot
1: plus she like really really likes me
2: good deal
1: shes on my myspace profile thing
1: yes mam
1: what about you
2: im happy for yeh
1: do you have any boyfriends/girlfriends?
2: oh whats her name on there
2: i am dating a lovely indevidule
1: oh like her picture is my profile picture haha
1: sweet
2: individual
2: oh ok
1: Male or Female?
2: MALE
1: hah
1: neat
1: whats his name?
1: he lives in Brady Station very close to where you used to
2: Michael
1: weird
2: 1021 is the number
1: Michael wha?
2: Denton
1: ah
1: sounds very familiar
2: went to OHS and graduated like 98 i think
1: ahh hes an old guy
1: yeh is he kinda short?
2: not really
2: like 6 ft
1: ha
1: so yes
1: kinda short
2: lol i suppose so - not to me being 5'4
1: well to me being 10' 11''
1: its short
2: yeh ok
1: bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrooooooooooo
1: i love austin man
1: everything about it makes me happy
2: good
1: I love being alive
2: awesome
1: its a great day
2: so glad to hear that from you
1: what a lovely evening
2: usually its polar opposite
1: haha
1: something like that
1: I just feel so good
1: so full of energy and stamina
1: and joy
2: yay
1: I got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart
1: down in my heart to stay
1: yay!
1: I just walk outside and the suns shining and I just smile because I am breathing
2: is this a song
1: and it doesnt hurt
1: well that last part was
1: but no I'm being serious
2: oh
2: i know
1: I just feel so fucking great
1: and its weird as hell
2: she is mighty pretty
1: I think it may have something to do with your little icon
1: haha
1: nah its not just that, I mean she is the best looking girl in town
1: but its not just her
1: its everything
2: haha
2: my icon is awesome though
1: my life is going somewhere
1: yeh
1: it is
2: good deal
1: I dont feel like I am just wasting away in nothingness anymore
1: I've accepted dealt and moved on and I'm ready to have some kids, start a job, settle down somewhere
1: or something
1: because things seem just almost perfect, I couldnt have planned them better myself
2: well awesome
1: and its not a struggle to stand up anymore
1: I'm just
2: im so glad that you have a turn around
1: weightless
1: well to be absolutely honest with you
1: It's because of God
2: doesnt surprise me
1: his almighty power has awakened within me this sleeping beast
1: who will rise to the tops of mountains
1: and having being proclaiming God's words at the top of my voice to the unknowing down below.
1: I will beat joy into the men and women and children who reject the Father.
2: wow
1: With my iron fist of Godly Justice
2: did you read that
2: lol
2: jk
1: and suffer the innocent may, but it is all for the good of His will
1: the Almighty Everlasting Father, Taker of All that is righfully His, The Holy Trinity as pertaining to the Presbyterian view
1: not those damned Catholics
1: I've become a reciever of God's gracious love and it has empowered me in ways I never thought possible
1: like for instance, I cant die
1: it's impossible
1: he promised I cant die until I am old enough
1: and that is just the beginning of the power that He has bestowed upon me.
2: well goodness there you go
1: eventually I will be strong enough to create a holy triumvirate of incestous, gay-hating, anti-abortionist that is powerful enough to incinerate small buildings and large cars.
2: lol
1: isnt that spectacular? Thats the real reason I am so happy this day of our Lord
2: ok
1: haha
1: just kidding I hate myself I am ugly and fat
2: WHAT
1: I wish I was never born
2: stop it
1: my mom shouldve just left me to die
2: seriously stop
1: because the pain I feel inside right now has no comprable feelign
1: why?
1: do the depths of my misery disturb you?
2: im not in the mood to hear negative stuff
2: really
1: haha
1: I like birds and elephants!
2: thanks
1: when it rains softly it feels like little butterflies tickling your face with their wings
2: kinda
1: I wish I could live outside in the fragrant grasses of a well-manicured lawn
2: lol
1: because the froggies would come and ribbit in my ears
2: lol
1: and caterpillars would tickle my nose
2: your so weird
1: and I would laugh and sing with the birds
2: oh YAY lol jk
1: but on the inside I'd be wishing that I was dead because darkness surrounds my every waking moment, because my life has become darker than a dead-end alley way where light can save you only the sweet release of death and torture.
1: But damn those birds are fucking pretty.
1: and the way they chirp reminds me of a song I knew
1: Why do birds, suddenly appear? Everytime that you are near?
2: haha
1: Then I start crying because I'm so utterly happy with life and my family
2: man you crack me up sometimes
1: and everything is just too perfect
1: oh well ms. cutie I can be a three ring circus at times
2: fun
1: but thats all the more reason to love the fuckin' shit outta me
2: exactly
1: until I fall face down into the bitter lost innocent pooled up on a sidewalk somewhere in New York where a homeless man died and then just choking on the drainage until it satiates my lungs and my clothes and there is no escaping this tragic ending.
1: anyways, I gotta go to sleep now, kisses kisses to you
2: okie doke sleep well
1: Hope that everything is happy dappy wappy for you'se!
1: nighty night sweety pie!!!
2: night sweets
2: lay off the drugs
2: haha jk
1: dont forget that satan whispers......
1: bye!
12:41 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove



Sunday, June 26, 2005

The End All Survey
Here's a survey that pretty much says what everyone really is thinking:
[ ] Would you fuck me?
The end, just repost it and have lots and lots of sex. It works, I swear, I posted it just yesterday and I've already had sex 12.1213.12.4.1,3.4,12,31,424,,,124124124,14,12, times. It was good too. Good luck everyone, and if you dont do it Mark or John or Rom is gonna' kick your ass off my space. Fuck you!
(notice how my girlfriend hasn't even said anything...)
2:45 PM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove



Saturday, June 25, 2005

savor
Last night, one of the best goodbyes I've ever said. As crappy as I felt knowing that I wouldn’t see her for a few weeks, The Goodbye last night seemed so great. I don’t know how many times I kissed her, I don’t know how time went by so fast, and I don’t know how it went from 930 to 430 in about ten seconds. It just happened and it was wonderful. One of the best goodbyes I've ever said. But now I am back in Austin and regretting even leaving. I got to go to work; the trick to not missing someone is staying busy. Stay busy I will do. But for now. Tonight. It's lonely. But it was worth it, last week was worth it. I didn't know you could fall for someone that fast and never blink or think about it. It just happened. Like snap, it was done and I was really happy. What a rollercoaster ride this year has been. It seems like something really bad will happen and then really good. For now I can’t stop smiling. I'm starting to appreciate the bad stuff too, because I know something good will happen. The most important thing I've noticed so far is that I haven't been so obsessed with mortality lately. It's just been in the background like usual, not front and center like it has been the past few months. I think I'm gripping things better, understanding things better, progressing, moving, shaking; this year will be very interesting. As last year seemed to be a pivotal one in the shitty section of my life, I feel like this year could either make or break me. If I do well, try hard, work hard it could be the year I remember has the entrance into the rest of my life and the happiness resulting there forth. But if I don’t try, give up, let my laziness be my guide, I feel like it could be my ruin, quite possibly ending up in a long life of sadness and a quick death. Oh well, all I can do now is hope for the best, the best in myself and everyone else, because once you lose that glimmer of humanity, you become a bitter person and no sunlight burns in your eyes. For my life, I need that sunlight, but she sparked it and I thank her immensely. From one brother to another, life will be better, things will get unclouded, winter will come and we will all be able to wear jackets. For now, I've just got to savor what I have and be honest with everyone as best I can. What's with the diatribe? Scare tactics, for my own sake.

Currently reading:
Haunted
By Chuck Palahniuk
Release date: By 03 May, 2005

4:45 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove



Friday, June 24, 2005

haunted
your alone, its 530 am, you can only think of the memories of ghosts that haunted you every night, every waking moment. your alone and theres nothing you can do to get them out of your head. they torment you, every little wrong thing, every bad thing, actions, they all haunt you and they wont let go. they grab you and pull you into the darkness and there is no escaping. you try to feel something else, for something else and all you can see are the ghosts and they are there and they haunt you and they dont stop. you think of her and try to make it better but shes not there and she may not be, tomorrow doesnt matter and still you cant see it because all you can touch and taste and smell are the putrid decaying memories of the past and you try to throw them up, stick your fingers down your throat and rid yourself of them, but nothing comes, just choking sighs and sobs, you keep choking until your stomach burns and they still wont let go and you never sleep, they are there when you close your eyes and your crying now but only because you cant, wont close your eyes. you want so badly to forget everything, to be someone else, but then the demons come, the demons that tell you that you dont have it bad, there are worse things, those hurt even worse than the ghosts because you cant be anything but numb, you cant be scared you can only live painfully, your throat, everything aching, you cant speak because of the pain and it ruins your life but you cant let go you cant try and unlive it because its there and your there and there is nothing to be done, no giving up. to die offers no more relief from life than anything else anymore and all you can do is lay there and let everything overtake you and just lay there and try to understand things in a way that makes sense but you cant and you try and try but nothing is ever a good enough excuse and the demons prevent happiness, if only she was here, if someone would chase these demons, the ghost, the darkness, nothing helps, only some people help you. You know no one else cares, you see it in their smiles, they dont know how you feel and yet they are stuck in their own personal hells and all you can do to help is chase their demons when your plagued by your own and you wish you could just quit the numbness that pounds your head with a balltine hammer, relentless attacks that turn your brains into a pulpy mass of gray nothing, blood spatter all over your cranium, and still pounding and their hands are bleeding from the weight of hammer and so they drop it and bite and gnaw and claw everything in your head and it makes such a loud noise that you cant see and it sounds like a dog ripping open a bird, the bones crunching against your forehead, blood flowing from your eyes and your mouth and your ears and you stop caring and your numb and the pounding never stops and the demons never sleep and your so alone and you cant imagine what anothers skin feels like on your finger tips and you need it so badly you can imagine it and your nose can only smell the soapy smell of your bloody broken brain and its starting to swell and your hungry and no way you can move and all you want to do is sleep, but the ghosts, they haunt you and you cant, they wont let, their always, you are forever, haunted.
5:30 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove



Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Heat
I think the 100 + temps of Odessa TX are frying peoples brains. Making them crazy. I do not try to understand it. I just deal with it. Live with the consequences of their actions this whole week I'll be here. Things I have gained, I will cherish, things I have lost I probably will not. But right now, all I can see are the lights of a sexy Knoxville night, plus the 20 or more hours driving. Yeh, these will be good times. Them's who have occupied my dreams the past few years are seemingly not that far away now, I can almost taste it, definitely I can smell it. I have this thing. It's personal, I've never really told but one or two other people this but, I have a gift, something that makes me really unique. It's called increased olefactory senses and I sometimes adore it and sometimes abhor it. I adore that I can smell weed from yards away on a dark night, me being in a southernly direction and the wind being in a northernly direction, and tell you exactly which way the stuff is. The smell holds memories, locks them in place in my mind forever. I recall them from these smells and therefore it is an invaluable learning tool. But it will evetenually become the bane of my exsistence if I keep working around stinky corpses. Sure, occassionally their ok. But if I'm going to be loading them in my car, boiling femurs in vats so I can make remaining tissue soft enough to remove on my stove, and pretty much just be engrossed in the greasy putrid smell of human decay, I think I may need to reconsider something. But actually, when I think of the benefits, the rewards (the non-monetary sort) I imagine that the smell seems like nothing. Helping people when they hear the worst news of their life, that they've lost a loved one. It's a terrible feeling, one I am sad to say that many have experienced in one form or another. But I cannot put my finger on how it constantly effects people, to be prepared you know? I cant say most people, most often react this way, because everyday I see suffering and everyday I have to reinvented how I feel about it. How to deal with it. You have to adjust yourself and your manners to fit the situation. Most people think of me as soft spoken. Sometimes that works for people, to hear that their daughter has been killed in a car wreck in a soft, yet-firm voice. Sometimes they'll get hyponitzed by the sound of the voice if its monotonous enough and they can escape what's really happening in your long drawn out explanation of how the died, if they ask. Most dont ask. So you dont tell, you just say the facts, try not to be overly comforting then leave them be. That's the best way. Don't stick around unless you have too. Or if they ask. Like I said, nothings certain. Maybe, when theres more money, the police should hire some people to just figure out the facts of how someone died and then be the designated call person to tell these people their loved ones have passed on. I think it's a good idea, maybe some sort of deiner or something. Yeh. Save me some trouble. But really, you'll probably meet them sooner or later. Well, all this to say that here in Odessa, it's fucking hot as hell, and I wish that I were back in Austin, but that 'she'......yes 'her'....was with me. Sometimes, I feel so dorky and dumb around her. But it's a nice reprive from the days activities. Plus whenever she tells me to shut up, its probably one of the cutest things I've ever heard. So I do. She's the only one that makes me.
4:20 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove



Wednesday, June 15, 2005

sick
I feel sick today. Not hot temperature, pulses racing, sweating, coughing, gross sick. I'm talking in the brain. Why? I dont know, I feel like I'm slowly breaking down. But at the same moment....I feel just fine. I'm sure it's probably because I haven't eaten yet, that could possibly be it. Or maybe it's because I've been alone the past few days and there is really only one person I felt like I missed really. I mean sure I missed my friends and all, I miss seeing them, I miss hanging out with them. But this is one of those miss-miss feelings. I try not to get to dumb in these things and it seems like I just violated one of those policies. I mean I didn't get Tom Cruise dumb and pound the floor to shit. I just said what I felt and after I was done I felt weird about it. Isn't that odd? Not really. I'm glad I have fell into answering my own questions, I'm sure it's healthy and all. Well--Weds in here and I haven't got much to show for it, save for a few scars in my heart, pain-staking memories I won't soon forget or want to forget. That's fine, I'm beginning to like this part of my job, if you can seperate yourself from the case, it's actually pretty fun. The weird part is that I seem to be waiting for someone to call me out, tell me it's all just been a dream and that I should stop pretending. That nothings really real that has happened. But crying mothers dont lie. Sisters, brothers, friends, relatives, they tell a story that's truer than anything that I've probably known. Don't get me wrong, I've lost people, it hurts, but I've had the unique ability to move on and continue. Some of these people have given up entirely. I can't understand that. But, I can. Giving up is so tempting and so easy. Why shouldn't we all just give up? Wouldn't that just be the most painless way out of something, just disassociating yourself? Yes and no. I mean, in life we all have to eventually face our demons, our monsters, our problems. It's an inevitably that comes with either death or extreme situations. So was today my moment? Was today the day I faced my demons. Yes and no. I faced my demons. But the weird thing was that they seemed to be everyone elses'. I have a few of my own. I've made a resolution to dissolve them and the process is already in process. But now I am staring off into this oblivion of everyone elses' diseased festering corpses of their hidden evils and I dont even know where to start. How can I clean this mess? Honestly, you just have to look beyond the size, start at one end and finish at the other. Pay attention to the spot your at, finish it then move on. Sure it's tedious work, sure I dont have enough time on this Earth to clean up that much, but I can put a huge dent in it and hopefully find someone as a replacement. Someone asked me a couple of days ago why I took this job. I couldn't think of an answer until today, because someone has to do it.
6:30 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove



Tuesday, June 14, 2005

stupid melodramatic bullshit
Oh God, my life is over! Some girl/guy doesnt like me! Oh God, my life is over, no one cares and I wish I was dead. Oh God, my parents hate me, the world is ending, my light is slowly being pushed out by the darkness of my life and blah blah blah. Ahh, the pity I feel in my heart is nothing equal to the pain I feel in my groins. Lord, O' Lord have some mercy on me. Appease my pains with scars and drugs. Lift my spirits with spirits of various colors and proofs. Lord, O' Lord on high, continue to love me so that you may save me from the awful pain of life, spare me from this stupid melodramatic bullshit that people feel they should heap on me at any moment, just to give their life meaning. Oh, how have I come this far and gotten this bad? Is my life completely meaningless? How could these days have becoming so pointless, so sparse, so undeniably wicked? Have I not served you in the way you wish to be served? What do you want from me? I've given you everything. O' Lord, why have you pushed me away too, making me have to peruse the scars of everyone else and constantly be stuck with these god damned stories of everyone else's god damned stupid innane melodramatic shit. Ah, to be done with it would be a life worth living, no wonder I'm stuck, these kids dont know how to act.
7:37 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove



Sunday, June 12, 2005

pictures
http://wakingupcn.4t.com
Pictures from China, not all inclusive, but pretty much the general spectrum.
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you really freak me out
tonight....ah those everlasting moments in my mind that I can replay one thousand times over and over and still never understand. How am I here where I am, how is it that I always do this? This happiness inside me, it's starting a trend. I'm burning with desire and it shows itself everywhere. Who is this person? Why have they come? When will they leave? What the fuck just happened? Answers to those questions, any questions seem hard to come by. Questions are cheap anyways, it the answers that are expensive. But I dont care, when I'm in there with all the lights off and the clock on the ceiling says 5 am and I'm halfway dreaming about the person thats lying right next to me. I dont care about that, I dont care about questions and answers, all I know is that it feels right, I give her goosebumps and I have to drive 6 hrs tomorrow and I dont give a good god damn about sleep. For now, she's stuck in my mind. I dont feel empty, I never feel empty anymore, ah and by the way, I've had a change in plans, not going to the dig in Mexico anymore, I'm going somewhere in TX to a prehistoric site, which means I get to play with dinosaur bones and maybe get famous, see you on the cover of Discover. Good night for now sweet one, may all you dreams and more come true. Dont let the truth shine in for now, because it is ugly and it will hurt your eyes my darling one, give in to oblivion just for now, not for forever.
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Saturday, June 11, 2005

throwing punches
If I had 5,000 thousand punches, each of which could cause irreversible damage, I think I would waste them all on one person. I dont know if I could really save them though, I'd punch the living shit out of them once and then move on to other people I think need to have the shit beatin' out of. Yikes, my grammar is terrible for that last sentence and I'm sure it has something to do with China. My heads not to straight right now, I drank to much last night but it was pretty fun you know? Hey, I've got this jealousy in my closet and only I can kill it for good, I think I should but I'm not sure, is it necessary? Only time will tell. Right now my underwear is ripped and its letting in this breeze that is fantastic and sits well with my state of mind, I have journaly entries from China, but these are not for the weak of heart or stomach or mind. In fact I'm not even posting them, I dont know what came over me there, I just started this incredibly horrid sad, yet very entertaining little rant. Well, I'm either off to have a really good day with a few really cool people, or else I'm off to have a shitty day full of sadness heartbreak, despair, murder, blah blah. I'm getting sick at my stomach just thinking about the trial, seeing the parents again, working, all that work, all on my screen, making my eyes bleed. That actually may be the booze, we'll see, goodbye ruby tuesday.
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Saturday, June 11, 2005

sunrise and america
Well I'm back again. Ha.
America,
what a fuckin country. Weak. Anyways, the day I came back was spent with a special someone and it made it pretty much worth while, yeh know? All that special amazing gayness. Anyways, I havent got much else to say besides that, staying up late with someone you really like is worth every inch of sleep you miss. For sure, but now, my best friend tony is pounding darts into the wooden floors at my parents house and I'm sure he's going to pay for that shit, time for him to be in a band that is better than crystal, he asks "what the fuck are you talking about?" he knows god damn well what I'm talking about. Beer my friends, beer.
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Monday, May 30, 2005

leaving roses behind
well tomorrow morning I am heading to Shenzen and I sadly have to leave behind kim lee and her brother and her family, which saddens me. Las night was crazy with some american friends I made, and kim lee, she works at a bar and last night was the last time I was going to see her unless I come visit again, so it was sort of fun. Last night will be in a later entry, but it was full up with digested scorpions, tomatoes, arsenic, and prostitutes, EXCITEMENT!! I still havent broken the language barrier but I am getting very very tired with all of this running around, off to have a dinner with some students tonight, will be back later on.
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Saturday, May 28, 2005

School
Yesterday was interesting too. I went with Kim Lee and her brother to the University of Beijing, I attended a couple of classes, then ate in their cafeteria. It was funny, everyone was staring at me and then they'd come up to me and try and give me different things to eat to see what kind of face I would make. Anyways, that was sort of the whole day, it was long and I had a great time. I went to the Super Walmart yesterday too, as quoted in my last post. Today I went with Kim Lee to the Forbidden City and also The Summer Palace. We had to take this dragon boat out to the summer palace, but we walked around alot there and it was pretty pretty. At the forbidden palace there are 999.5 rooms, because 9 is a holy number in chinese belief that brings alot of life. So are 2 and 8. But anyways, this place was huge and beautiful and it was alot of fun. I bought some crappy souvenirs and had to barter with the local people here, they were crazy the little kids would grab you and ask for money and one little kid followed me the whole time showing me this stick. It was sorta strange. On the outside of the palace we were walking with this tour group and they mobbed us when we were getting on the bus, but it was sort of funny. Outside the hotel I'm staying at are the saddest grouping of people I have ever seen. There was a guy with no legs who got around by scooting around on a peice of board with wheels, there was also a little kid who had been burned and had no arms, and was completely scarred. I also saw a little girl who looked sickly but I'm not sure what was wrong with her, but she was lying on a cot on the sidewalk. There were numerous men with fucked up feet, or no feet. It's quite a site, the lameness that has been visited upon this populace. No one really knows what poverty is until you can come here and see what people are like when they've lived on streets full of poverty with ten children whose faces are black from soot and dirt, living on top of trash. It's sad yes, but there is the truth, some people are ok and some arent. But no one realizes it. Anyways, we ate at this pizza buffet last night, it was funny, not much pizza sauce or cheese, just weird stuff like green beans on the pizza. But we are going right now to a traditional peking duck dinner at some crazy restaurant then going to a KTV, which is this really trendy karaoke place that serves alcohol and you get your private rooms and these really hot chinese chicks come sit and listen to you, so I'm gonna give them all a good show tonight. I've been smoking way to much up here, but it's just so hard no to because everyone does it everywhere, especially inside. I smoked during the class, it was cool. It's so tempting and plus they have great cigarrettes here and also, uhm I dunno my throat really hurts from walking and smoking and all that, I got a little sunburned today, you can check out some pictures at http://stupid.yafro.com. Have a blast you guys, see you next time I post.
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Friday, May 27, 2005

filth
I have never seen as much poverty, as bad living circumstances as the people of Beijing are experiencing. There are literally wooden structures with no roofs that are filthy with tons of people living out of them. There are tents set up in the street that families live in and the smell is almost unbearable at parts. But in the center of all this abject poverty stands a huge structure, Wal Mart Supercenter (http://stupid.yafro.com) This place employs many people from the area, but its such a nice three story building to be surrounded by such poverty and sadness. This town is strange, there are four or five huge sky scrapers that look exactly the same all in a row. This has obvious roots to the communist government it currently employs. But the people couldnt be nicer. No one here looks very happy, but in a way, they are. Their happy doing their thing, living, they dont look at it as a strange line, rather as a beautiful, or not so beautiful, process that is unfolding every moment. It's hard for American's to imagine, but it surely is possible and it's made me realize how self-centered Americans and myself are. We are, in general, a people concerned with only ourselves and it is quiet sad. We are filth, we are a culture of those buildings in which these poor people lay their heads on hard streets, raising their children on a diet of rice and dirty water. We are the deviants of human goodness and compassion and that concerns me to no end. We are filth.
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Kim Lee
Current mood: awake
Last couple of days have been fun. Got in Beijing around 12 am on Thurs and after a 24 hr flight I was pretty tired. I had an egg sandwhich and went to sleep. The plane ride was cramped, I sat next to a fat smelly bastard that had a factory in Shangai and a business in Los Angeles and I'm sure he probably exploited the people there, he was also married and told me about his 24 yr old chinese girlfriend. He was disgusting and it was hard to sit next to him because he kept digging his elbows into me because he was so fat and bulky. He should've bought two seats. Anyways, after I woke up and went to this presentation at this hotel that I'm staying at with my roommate Andre, I had lunch at this restaurant where all the food was done family style, they had bowls of food and they just put it on the table on this little spinning tray and about 6 or 7 people sat around the table and took food from the tray, and then spun it around to get something else. It was delicious and I enjoyed the kung pao chicken although it burned the shit outta my mouth and I sweated all over the place because of these fucking red hot peppers. Sheesh, anyways I went back to the hotel and had a drink at the bar, then walked around outside for awhile, then came back and met some Americans at another bar and was kind of freaked out because I didnt really understand exactly how the money works, its something like 8 RMB equal 1 US and only the larger bils (by larger I mean actual size not denominations) are counted as 1 RMB, the smaller ones are like change. Anyways, I bought some souvenirs before I went to this bar and I was trying to order a white russian but no one understood and this cute chinese girl came up to me and helped me order it in Chinese, it was awesome. We started talking about the chinese culture and she told me a few helpful words like Ni Ho Ma, means hello how are you and (I know its not spelt like this but its how its pronounced) shi shi means thank you. She also told me a little bit about the history and all that jazz. Anyways, we talked abou three hours and it was probably around 6 or 7 by that time so she asked if I wanted to eat with her family so I agreed and went and had a traditional chinese dinner of peking duck and it was fantastic. Her family was really nice and made me talk the whole time because they liked my accent. They were also really interested in my job and her father actually worked at a chinese funeral home here and he lived in the funeral home and actually showed me what chinese funerals are like. After dinner I thanked her family and gave them all gifts that I got from the UT Co-Op and they all gave me their business cards so I could call them later. I got back to the hotel and joined some of the American in a round of rum and cokes then hit the hay. Now I'm awake and ready for some God Damned breakfeast. I convinced most of the Americans here that I'm catholic and for some reason that is hilarious. Well, I'm off, more later.
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Thursday, May 26, 2005

china
Just got here to china and now Im going to bed, more later...
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Tuesday, May 24, 2005

countdown...
I have exactly two hours before I head off to China, first Odessa to LAX, Los Angeles. Then LAX to Beijing in China, the whole shabang will take no less than 24 hrs and then I have a 13 hr time difference. Shoulde be arriving about 11 something their time. Anyways, just a little heads up, the next entry may be long in coming because I am not secure in the fact that I may have ample time to access my space in the near future, so sorry if it takes me awhile. Anyways, thats all for now.
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Saturday, May 21, 2005

cry baby (revised)
Interesting wedding yesteday, reminded me of this time when this girl came to meet my family and have dinner with them, anyways we had been dating about 3 months now, and I have to say, she was sort of ditzy, not dumb, but not all there really, which may or may not have had to do with the reason she was dating me. Anyways, we started eating and for the most part she was pretty quiet. My grandma started talking about how during the Civil War there was a big potato famine in Texas and this girl interjects her talking with, "WOW, you were alive during the Civil War?" My grandma almost fainted and then politely said "yes I was, it was horrible, but luckily I'm british so nothing bad happened to me." Needless to say I didnt see much of her after that. But back to the wedding, it was a nice event, had some drinks, it feels weird when your friends, especially "close" ones like this one, get married because it seems like you will lose them afterwards. I guess we will see. Anyways, two days to blast off and I cant wait, it feels so unreal, like a dream, I have a personal diary of stuff thats alot more private than this one that I say quite a bit more too. So I may just stop updating this altogether, because I dont think anyone reads this crap anyway. Man I miss Austin. The all encompassing phrase of gratitude to those that served me.
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Thursday, May 19, 2005

alleviation
so I just got some great news on the phone which I am actually not at liberty to say, but suffice it to say that it pretty much made my night, my whole day worth while, it feels so good in my heart and I helped and hopefully the pain is finally over. sleep well my girl.
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odessa
Today, I cleaned the rest of my apartment out, loaded up the car, gotta new cell phone and drove to odessa. Now I'm in my sisters room typing on her computer, I will be gone in exactly five days. I am in love with nothing and will be happy to leave as soon as possible. Good night, more to come.
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Wednesday, May 18, 2005

questions and questions
How come it takes losing something to realize what you really had? How come you always feel bad when someone breaks something and you realize your never going to get it back? That it's broken, you cant recover it, it's just crazh and boom and thats the end of that story. How could this happen to me? I dont know, but I deal with this every day and it never gets any easier. But one thing I've learned is tolerance, when you lose something, you gotta keep a cool head about you or else it's going to seem a lot worse than it really is. So I'm trying to stay calm right now, but I dont think I am going to get anything back from my broken shattered heart, the thing I lost contained everything I've ever made, it was the essence of me, some of the things were treasures beyond values, and it one quick swipe it's all erased, competely blank and I'm left dumb-founded once again, why did God do that?
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Tuesday, May 17, 2005

games and dying
Approaching days,
sacrificial ways.
It’s all just a game.
Played so many different ways.

Give me a sign,
in this empty place.
Mark my life,
with an empty grave.
And if I should die,
Forgive my ways.

All we have,
is today.
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Guy On the Side
Have you ever been?
The guy on the side.
The one that doesnt matter.
The guy that's never flattered,
by lies and descriptions,
these conquered titles.
only describe,
what will never be,
you and me.
Because I'll always be
the Guy on the Side.
The one that doesn't matter.
Has never and will never.
Be the one you love.
Sad so much,
But love cant touch
What I'll never have.
You,
Because I'll always be
the Guy on the Side.
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today
She said
Truly forever I’m yours for you
Love you always and forever
Be there.

So I left.
Its all I could do,
Your all I knew
So I left.
To see what happens,
When I’m lost and lonely.

I tried
Stayed as long as I could
Loved you as I should.

We’ll see, what happens
When I leave.

Endless your tears,
Streaming like the ocean
I keep screaming,
Leave it open,
But I see your love
Shriveling up inside me,
I did everything I could to stop it,
And then

So I left,
I’m not so close,
But I can still boast,
Your mine,
Nothing
Not time
Not lies
Can change
I love you.
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Caldera and Christmas Carols
little angels
we've heard your call
staring santas
come deck my halls.

strangers take me,
to the mall,
where all the world comes
during fall.

Oh come all ye little angels,
its christmas eve and I'm tryin to sleep
but these thoughts of gifts
and little pete,
and precious treats
are keeping me from sleep.

little firs
we've seen you blossom
sitting birds
we've watch you come off them.

oh come all ye little angels
its christmas eve and I'm trying to sleep
but these thoughts of gifts
and little pete
and precious sweets,
are keeping me from sleep.

goodnight mother,
tuck me away
goodnight father,
go roll in the hay
goodnight santa
give me some play
goodnight my lover,
sleep tight we just may.

-Caldera "Christmas Time"
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down and out
I’ll have one taste
Of that grey pain
Then swallow it down,
It makes me relax
Take it real slow
It's to easy
Follow myself
and we'll both stop breathing.
Take one down then pass it around
We dont have time for you to waste
All we've got is a belly full of hate so
Take one down then pass it around
We dont have things for you see
and our wasted lives,
seemed pretty good to me.

I'll take the bait
Of your embrace
Then forget you came
It makes me sad
So I take it really slow
It's way to easy
to follow myself
and we'll both try hard.
Take one down then pass it around
We dont have time for you to waste
All we've got is a belly full of hate so
Take on down then pass it around
We dont have things for you see
and our wasted lives,
seemed pretty good to me.

I’ll take one look
Of your fake heart
Then chew it up and spit it out
I'll write a book
On what you've done
Then ruin your life and buy a gun
I'll take my gun
to your house
Then end your life with one quick shout
I'll then call home
and cast a doubt
Then swallow you whole.
I'll be in jail
because of you
this pain will stay
forever with me
until this day.
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my heart and a crucifix
And yes I'm aware that the weight of my heart, crushes the crucifix in your arms.
And I'd sacrifice myself everyday, "because its supposed to be that way" you say.
But its a relative baby, you and me. Something we won't never be.
Dont rely on me, for comfort or seclusion,
I'm just a delusion,
a passing contusion,
in your heart.
And yes I'm awake to the fact of your hate, stating the denial in your gate.
And I'd sacrifice my everything, "because it's supposed to be that way" you say.
Dont rely on me, for comfort and serenity,
It's all just an entity,
and I'm not saying anything,
in your eyes.
And yes I'm aware, oh yes I am aware. That the weight of my heart,
crushes that crucifix in your arms, baby, that's what I'm countin' on.
These stairs you been mountin on,
and these notes just keep poundin on,
like the band just kept playin on,
my heart will keep beatin on,
on one by one,
on off and on one by one.
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Monday, May 16, 2005

on and on
liminality, the state in which I am currently residing seems to have taken over my life.
tomorrow will determine the next course of my life, may change everything, and yet I'm not even nervous, I usually yawn or shake when I know something bad or good may happen, yet I cant even get myself to begin to care. Tomorrow will be the turning point that you read about in books, the day that writers talk about being the one thing they remember from the beginning of a long horror story or tragic downfall, I remember that day like it was yesterday. The clouds were all held high in the sky and the air had a brisk feeling to it. I felt at ease, without a care, then all of a sudden it happened and now I'm a different person and look what I've been reduced too. SO, I will take this day from now and to eternity and replay it in my head forever and after. If I make a mistake, if I play it all wrong, this will be the day I can blame it on. But I'm glad it's come to a close, I'm glad the wait is over, I will be happy at least for a bit after this is over. But I will miss my monthly encounter with bones, yes I will miss that this summer and for awhile after as well. It's not the bones I'll miss, but the people, the stories, the smells, the sounds, the dark circles under my eyes, the tears, the joy, the mistakes, everything, I'll miss it all. Goodbye for now my friends, we will meet again one of these days, when I return.
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a gift
if someone has given you something so precious and you take it and smash it to pieces, do you feel bad? Its one of the worse feelings I've had and I do it all the time. I cant undertand why that is, but I keep doing it and I never learn. These fantastic things that people hand me and I cant even understand why they keep doing it. Am I that great that I deserve these things? It cant be true, I'm ok but I dont deserve these gifts and thats why I give them away, I dont want to be tied down amongst them. There are some things that I want to keep but I know I shouldnt, in a few days, my life may be getting really horrible and I might lose almost everything I've worked for and everything that everyone has given me. If it doesnt, I dont think I'll learn. But if it does then my life, it wont be over, it will be life and it will keep living, what can I say? Maybe the world will go away and understand that I DONT deserve these gifts, but if not I'm going to keep destroying them because they need to know, the world isn't lke they want it and I'm not going to be led and life, its hard, sometimes you'll lose everything and want to die, but you cant give up, youve just got to keep going and living until its really your turn to do something. I'm just going to wait and try to make the best of what I have, even if this horrible culmination of life turns we into a bitter bitter man.
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hate and trash
rest in peace my little sweets,
because tonights our last night,
our dreams are no longer reality,
because I treat you like the trash you are,
your only made as rash as me,
so retrieve your stuff,
get on that bus and leave tonight
because you were right,
I never cared about you,
you fuck who you dont know and you screw who you knew and if you want some love dont come to me anymore just fuck your brains out with some guy you met in july you know all he wants is ass and since you dont seem to pass, you can be his ass, so let him ride you all night, let him fuck you hard, because tomorrow is not far, and I wont be there no I wont be there anymore. I tried for awhile when I lost my smile, you came after awhile and I was never good enough for you, so go get fucked and I can toss you away like the trash you are to me you are nothing nothing so forget that I'm alive, enjoy the ride, yeh you may cry, it'd be cheaper to buy, you dont need to try my life spent asking why why why, give it up to him you'll be happy and as high as the sky.
so forget me now let him be your guy, cause I know your outta lies, Oh God! Please dont cry, I'd just rather you die...
So fuck him hard, ride him once for me, it's time to flee from this hell you seem to be.

-Caldera "Trash"
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Sunday, May 15, 2005

haunted and waiting
My head hurts, it's like someone is inside my skull ripping everything to shreds and making me allergic to light. Which sucks because I want to go outside so badly and see what its like. I think I will go get dressed and then go outside, I woke up naked and I'm not sure I remember being naked last night and that worries me, it's probably just the fact that I drank so much last night, and that also worries me because I started drinking when no one else was there and then Dymtri came in but he didnt drink at all and that was ok, but there I was soaking up all the alcohol for both of us. Ah, thats life I suppose. I slept alot, when I woke up I was dizzy but I had to forego the dizziness to get some water because I was extremely parched. Today seems like a shitty day so far, but it could be better, my stomach and head are going crazy and everytime I shut my eyes I see images of indescribable things that extremely disturb me so I'm afraid to shut them now so I think I'll just lay my head down and maybe I can go to sleep for the rest of the day. Who knows? Isn't it weird when your friends call you and then let you go because they are doing something? I'm not quite sure how I'm supposed to respond to that. I cant wait to get to China, 9 days and counting to one of the craziest experiences of my lifetime, if it's not then I'll be disappointed, but it's all up to me I suppose. Want to know something funny? Just about this time that I'm on the verge of leaving and all alone without a girl to miss me or anyone for that matter, I'd get the feeling like I want one, usually. Now, I have a couple of prospects of who I'd like that to be, but I dont think I will, maybe I dont need one. Usually I got a girlfriend out of lonliness and a desire to have someone around to depend on but recently it hasn't worked out like that so I think the next girlfriend I have will be someone I like. Man, it's going to be a tough time finding a broad like that, but ah well, there you go? My God I am in a desperate need of a gun fight or some sort of stimulation. So who out there prays? I dont, I wont anymore because its such a useless activity to me, but if you want to pray for me, you might wanna' start doing that because maybe you'll have some better luck than I had. I dont care if your Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Buddhist, Taoist, whatever just make sure you try and make your respective Gods keep me in their thoughts.
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Saturday, May 14, 2005

amazing and not so amazing
Last night:
Last night was nice, I was laying in a bed and it was probably the most comfortable and best sleep I've gotten in a really long time, but things dont last and thats fine with me. I've got myself and as content as I am with myself, it's gonna have to do. But laying there, curled up against myself feeling warm, sweating but in a good way, listening to the shutters hit against the window sill and feeling the occasionally cold breeze from the fan. It made my dreams pleasant, and taste good too. It started thundering around 6 am and it lit up the entire sky and I could just look out the window and see tall buildings and bright blue sky turning from black to blue to black to blue then the cool roll of the thunder in the distance that seemed very polite, it wasnt threatingly loud and it was sort of calm thunder, a rolling thunder. Then from somewhere else in the distance I heard a train and I'm not sure why but it made me feel so alone and distant from anyone, I swear there couldve been someone next to me but it wouldnt have mattered. It was one of the best feelings I've had in a decade and my heart was just full of this joy that couldnt really be shattered by anything. I finally was able to fall asleep, then I woke up and had to go to work. I started my walk and got a call from Dymtri asking if I wanted breakfast. Of course I did, so we hit Katz's Deli and I had pancakes and beef sausage with water, because the long walk over there sort of parched me, even though the air was stifling because of the humidity. It didnt matter though, my mood was set in stone and I was happy. So I go to my apartment, remember I was supposed to go to work, then take Dymtri to school for his final and then go back home to get ready for work. Sometime in there my car decides not to start. It's probably the battery, the light was on for a really long time, and I start feeling like what the battery must feel like. So I pop the hood because it's the international sign for car trouble and who comes walking out the door but this beautiful broad dressed in a black business skirt and white blouse. God she was beautiful, way out of my league of course, but I'm polite so I made eye contact. Anyways, she sees the hood and makes the connection and asks me in a semi-husky voice if I was having some trouble. I say "of course, dont we all?" A cheap line I knew I'd probably regret later but I didnt really care. So she pulls her car up to mine, a nice blue BMW. This chick was definitely loaded and definitely out of my league, I realized once again, but it didnt matter because when she got out of her car, 'forgetting' to pop the hood, then bending over in a skirt really showing me her ass I was sold for sure. Anyways, I get the car to starting and I figured I really got to get to work, this broads smiling and I have no idea what to say, so I ask if she wants me to pay her for the battery power I used, another shitty line I'd definitely regret later. She tells me she'll put it on the tab. I say great. I figure this lines going nowhere so I get in the car and take off. Thinking that she definitely wont remember me later. I finally get to work, walk in all casual like because thats what you gotta do when your late to work. Nobody really notices, except for that they had been waiting to start working on this old lady that died last night. So I get all prepped up and do my thing and get outta there then just sit in the office waiting for something to happen. Then Alyssa, this chick at work, comes up to me and she looks sorta outta place like maybe something was up. So I ask her, "whats up?" She says nothing and sits down in front of me. Then she starts crying about her boyfriend that killed himself about 2 months ago. I had to work on him. He was my friend, so obviously thats why she was talking to me. Anyways, she's going on and on about how she missed him and how nothings the same and how could he be such a selfish asshole and I am doing the friendly thing and listening and not saying much and then she comes out with "But you know I sort of liked you and I told you I did, and I think maybe thats one of the reasons he did it you know." I just stared at her. I couldnt speak, I couldnt breathe. I wanted to cry and scream and twist myself up into a little ball. My friend kills himself, I have to cut his head open and now his girlfriend is telling me that it's my fault. I dont believe her, I know shes in this state where she needs to place blame on something, and I'm to the point where I've almost accepted it. But this was insane. After the initial shock was worn off and I had thought about it in silence a bit, although it wasnt because she was balling her eyes out and she was wrapped around my neck, soaking my shirt with tears. Once I thought more about it, I was like yes, maybe I should accept this for her, maybe it will help her deal, maybe I just need that, she feels horrible and she feels like its her fault and I should help her not feel that way and hopefully avoid her doing this to herself. So I tell her, "Alyssa, I think you did the right thing, us liking each other, that was wrong and I dont think that anything to do with it, but just in case your wondering, I liked you first and I should've never told you." She just sat there crying with her head on my shoulder probably not knowing what to do more than I, we're just kids you know. I'm 20, she's 25. What do you say, how do you deal? "Yeh know, we've got everything else going for us now, he made the decision, we cant change that, he's not suffering anymore, everythings as it will be you know?" She shook her head when I said that, she's not dumb, she knows, she just need someone to tell her, at least I hoped. After awhile of just sitting like that she finally let go and didnt look at me for awhile. After we took a couple of calls and such we both were alone in the room and it was more quiet than anything you could ever imagine. I didn't want to say anything, I didnt want to start anymore tears. I just wanted to be alone, but I knew Alyssa didn't need that. So we sat in silence for what seemed like hours and eventually, she just got up and left. I didnt know what to do, she left and she took this huge hole out of my stomach when she did that. I know she probably just couldnt stand to be around me anymore, I was one of the only people she knew that knew what she was going through and she hadn't even known me that long, but I think she figured I'd understand. I do but that doesnt mean it didnt hurt when she just left. I haven't talked to her and I think maybe she just needs to calm down a bit, but at this moment, I'm left here at a coffee place feeling empty and desolate, but it's different than this feeling used to be. I used to think about killing myself, like I wanted to badly, just to end all this pain of life. I thought about it, how just exsisting is pain, that our feelings are all based on pain, that if it wasnt for pain we wouldnt really be alive, but now I dont think that way. Now, I just have gotten used to it, figured out that it's really not so bad, but a trade off kind of, people have it alot fucking worse than I do. That actually says alot to me. It's fucked up, in a world that preaches so much tolerance and equality that there are people who are starving to death, who dont have access to any water, who are being tortured for things beyond their control. And I'm here at a coffee house with an empty stomach and a broken heart pouring out my emotions to a computer screen that wont help me at all, pain surrounds my every movement but it no longer controls my life. It's made me stronger, it's made me realize that no matter what I do, I've got to ease this pain and suffering, useless agony that people are ritualistically subjected too. And no, I dont pretentiously assume that I know what's best and I am not going to impose my will on anyone else, but I will ease this sorrow, I will clench these people's thirst, I will feed as many of the hungry as I possibly can. It's my promise made to every one of the dead that come into my life and then out again. I promise to my friend's graves, the suffered that I will use their experience in my life to make things better, whatever it takes. Because if I break this promise, I will be nothing and my life way as well mean nothing. So I'll get back from this short break of bettering the world and get back to it. Goodnight my friends, the dead, the gone, the living, goodnight to all.
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Friday, May 13, 2005

pirandello and pinter
Bryan Perryman
E369 T-TH 2-330
PIRANDELLO and PINTER
Opening Scene of: Six Characters in Search of a Dumb Waiter

Scene: The play opens on a stage with two men, one of whom is a man around 60 with a balding head of white hair and a sharp white beard. He is wearing a pale grey suit with a black bow tie. He is PIRANDELLO. The two men are sitting around the table, PINTER reading a newspaper and PIRANDELLO relaxing in his chair. PINTER, the other man, is a clean-shaven man wearing a black cotton shirt and brown trousers. He has more hair than PIRANDELLO and yet he looks much older. They both stood in a theater stage, but there was a set piece in the middle of the stage that was made up to look something like a basement, with a few chairs, a table, a small stove and a bathroom.
The lights off to the side of the basement set piece are bright, but inside the set they are dim.

PIRANDELLO stands up and goes to a door in the set piece and walks out, but the light seems too bright so he goes back in the set. PINTER glances up from the paper and PIRANDELLO looks at him. They both stare at each in silence as if this is really the first time they had ever seen each other. Then PINTER looks back to the paper.
PIRANDELLO then goes into the bathroom, and there are sounds of flushing in the background. He comes out and looks at PINTER, who looks back at him. Then PIRANDELLO crosses the room and sits down at the table across from him.

PINTER. Listen to this. [Begins to read from the paper, slowly.] A homeless man was dragged 6 miles down a street by a driver, oblivious to the fact that the man had fallen asleep under his car. [A few seconds later] It says it took them 12 hours to clean up the mess that it made.

PIRANDELLO. It took who 12 hours?

PINTER. The authorities I assume.

PIRANDELLO. Ah. What else does it say?

PINTER. The world is ending tomorrow.

PIRANDELLO. The world is ending tomorrow?

PINTER. Yes, that’s what it says.

PIRANDELLO. You shouldn’t believe everything you read you know?

PINTER. Agreed.

The two men then shift around a bit, PINTER gets up then sits down again, PIRANDELLO tries to walk outside the set piece again but cannot bear the bright light.

PIRANDELLO. Speech. It seems overrated to me. It seems like you could say so much by saying so little, that words only seem to try and describe the feelings of nothingness that is the truth of every aspect of our life.

Silence

PINTER. Then why do you speak so much?

PIRANDELLO. Because expression seems to me to be the ultimate way of living, using your thoughts to create something that never existed and will never actually be.

PINTER. So what’s the point then?

PIRANDELLO. The point? Nothing’s the point.

PINTER. How can you believe that when things...

A loud knock at the door interrupts PINTER. The two men grab guns from holsters they had been wearing around their belts and walk slowly towards the door. PINTER nods to PIRANDELLO and then swings open the door. Six people are standing in the doorway, all dressed in black.

PINTER. What is it? [Angling the gun at the family]

THE FATHER. Sir, we need a place to stay and perhaps some food, anything you could help us with would be appreciated.

PIRANDELLO. Is this your family sir?

THE FATHER. Yes sir, this is our family, we’ve been through a rough few years and are just looking for some food and perhaps some water, we haven’t eaten in three days and my wife is pregnant. Please allow us to stay for a few hours, we wont be in the way.

PINTER. No, you need to leave.

PIRANDELLO. For God’s sakes man, this guy’s wife is pregnant, and thirsty. You can all come in for a bit, but I’m afraid we both have some business to take care of so you’ll need to be quick about it. We really don’t have much to eat or drink, but whatever we do have your welcome.

THE FATHER AND FAMILY. Thank you sirs.

PINTER. What the hell are you doing? Did you forget why we are here?

PIRANDELLO. Calm down, it’s just for a minute, they just need some rest. I can’t turn away someone, I’ve been turned away myself.

PINTER. Well who hasn’t been turned away? Just make sure they leave quickly.

PIRANDELLO. That’s fine.

The family comes in and settles around the set piece, the father and mother go to a kettle and begin to make some tea and the kids fall asleep around the room. The two men go and sit by the door. PINTER continues to read the paper and PIRANDELLO stares at the children sleeping.

PIRANDELLO. Did you ever think you could have children? I mean with the job and all?

PINTER. No, never wanted them, too much of a hassle.

PIRANDELLO. I’ve always wanted them, to make something beautiful you know? Maybe pass my knowledge onto my kids?

PINTER. You really think that’s a good idea? We aren’t really the best sort of people. We don’t make much money and we pretty much have to sell ourselves. What kind of life is that?

PIRANDELLO. It’s a life.

PINTER. Yeh, but…

THE MOTHER. Excuse me gentlemen, but do either of you have any cigarettes I could borrow?

PINTER. Lady, you should not be smoking, it’s bad for the baby.

THE MOTHER. Yes, I tried to quit but I just couldn’t do it. Do you have any?

PIRANDELLO. I’m sorry, we don’t smoke.

THE MOTHER. Oh. Well, thanks again for your hospitality.

Then THE Mother walks away, PIRANDELLO and PINTER look at each other then look away. The children are still sleeping and the parents have finally stopped trying to make the stove work and have fallen asleep on the floor.

Whispering, PIRANDELLO and PINTER continue their conversation.

PIRANDELLO. You know, you and me, we are sort of alike.

PINTER. How do you figure that?

PIRANDELLO. Well, besides the job of course, we both feel isolated, we both have this feeling like things could be better, but we’re confused on how to get things that way. We know that life isn’t always fair and that things aren’t concrete, but in the end, we are both pretty much striving for the same thing.

PINTER. Which is what?

PIRANDELLO. To create something magnificent that everyone can enjoy, to open up the minds of our audience and force them to hear us and accept us.

PINTER. Well, most of what I do I don’t want anyone to know about, I’m subversive and I like it that way, I cant lay everything out all at once, it doesn’t make sense to do that

PIRANDELLO. It does if you’re me. I suppose everyone does have some minute differences, it’s stupid and inane though, because the world is a generalization, and when you generalize people like you and me, we are pretty much the same sir.

PINTER. I agree with you on that, but life shouldn’t be so clear cut, we shouldn’t just have to sit here and wait for some Dumb Waiter to tell us what to do next. We should stop and just go and try and make ourselves something new.

PIRANDELLO. Exactly why I think that we are the same. I’m tired of this job, everyone does it, or they try to, but nobody else can really do it like we can. I guess that’s why we have to do this.

PINTER. I guess.

PIRANDELLO. Well, lets start now.

PINTER. Now?

PIRANDELLO. There’s no better time than now.

PINTER. Why not wait?

PIRANDELLO. You said you were tired of waiting.

PINTER. Yes but that doesn’t mean I want to do it now.

PIRANDELLO. Well if not now then later, might as well do it now.

PINTER. I suppose.

PIRANDELLO. You suppose correctly, lets go now.

PINTER. That’s fine.

Both the men stand up and take their guns from their holsters. The children and the parents wake up and look up at the men. PIRANDELLO shoots at the children and PINTER shoots the parents. When they have finished, PIRANDELLO opens the door to walk out. The light blinds him from the outside the set and he shuts the door.

PIRANDELLO. It’s too bright out to leave, can’t we get someone to turn off the light?

PINTER. Are you serious? We can turn off the lights.

PINTER opens the door and all that stands outside is darkness.

PINTER. Is that better?

PIRANDELLO. Much better.

Then PIRANDELLO steps out the door and into the darkness, back into reality.
Just as PINTER is going to walk out the door, he hears a noise. He walks towards the Dumb Waiter, opens it and finds a note inside. He quickly opens the letter and reads what it says out loud.

PINTER. We regret to inform you but the guns you have used were not props, they were accidentally switched with live guns and you have just killed six innocent people. I suggest that you leave immediately.

PINTER drops the letter and runs to the Father. He shakes him but he does not respond. Pinter looks white as a sheet as he realizes the severity of the situation. He tries to call on Pirandello but he knows he has already gone.

PINTER. I try to do something good and things always end up badly.

PINTER picks up the gun and tries to shoot himself, but there seem to be no bullets left. He sighs. He puts the gun down.

PINTER. Lights!

The lights come on off the set and PINTER walks onto the stage and sees PIRANDELLO standing stage right.
They look at each other.
Then they both run off stage.

Curtain.
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Wednesday, May 11, 2005

morbid mansions
I hate being depressed sometimes. It does nothing for me. I hate when I go to a movie and people talk the whole time and ask if something happening when I have no idea because I have never seen it before. So that blows. Also, I hate it when I'm alive and I dont really want to be. I hate it when God makes me do things I didn't want to do. Last few weeks have taken a semi-sorta toll on me, it's been strange. All the creativity I used to pride myself in has been sucked out of me, now all I can do is just sit and try to be funny or smart or good at something and I am usually not. I cant write anymore about anything unless I have a prompt. It's like I cant start anything because I have so much to say and the words dont seem to form in my head. My vocabulary is dying and I wish that I could just die with it. Hopefully one day everyone can just be friends, but whatever. Maybe people are born bad, because I know some bad fucking people and I hate them. Lately my relations with everyone has seemed strained some how, I dont know how to treat people anymore and they dont know how to treat me. Save for a few people, its just been shitty man. See--now I am resorting to cursing because I can find no other words that can validate how I am feeling and reassure me that I am not just some lost cause, that my identity is valuable and appreciated. But I'm not convinced, I feel like a thorn amongst a bed of roses and it hasnt bugged me until now. I haven't been focusing on how I look in forever, but today it hits me that I may just have a few features I wish I could just burn off, but whatever, it's lame to worry about that. I'm just tired of not having anything to say and rambling on and on about it, what the fucks my problem? There I go again with the fucking cussing, I got to leave this shitty blog alone, it's turning me into a sad fucking human being, peace out everybody, dont die, because then I will write about it and cry because I hate losing friends, its possibly one of the worst feelings and no matter how much you try and forget that they are gone it never gets easier and especially whenever you cant talk to anyone that knew them because they hate you for what you did to them after they died, even though I had to do it. I'm just glad that I feel like I did the right thing, because in the end thats all that fucking matters. Well, my apologies, there are these times that I wish that I could believe in God.
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comfort and cleanliness
When I tried to describe the world with a single stroke of luck something happened and I was thrust into this darkness no longer understand by man alone. It took the gender initiation to fix what I have, but I no longer love and it seems like my sperm seem to be the only thing that makes me an assest anymore because all I am is semen in your body and I know that if I finished I could make something unique but I always end to soon and go somewhere else. Then I end up somewhere I'm not supposed to be and I hate that, what a mess it is. Suppose I am not being honest with anyone, suppose I am the only one who really knows the truth. As strange as that is it is comforting, and this not knowing, it's all me. I'm not trying to be stupid and little and weak, it's just the truth and I can't avoid it. I cant avoid anything anymore. Last night I was sad. I sat in the uncrowded restaurant, watching smoke dance up to the bland white ceilings, staring at the fried chicken in front of me, smelling the dank smells of sadness, hopelessness. I sat and wondered why I was where I was, how I got there, why things went so wrong, why was I so sad. Perhaps it was the cigarette stained blinds that adourned the walls, but this place made me want to give up smoking, even though I didnt smoke. I want a drink, something hard, maybe some vodka, to empty the pain. But there was nothing except semi-hot coffee and all I could do was drip it down my searing hot throat. It felt like I was swallowing hot coals every time I choked some spit down my throat, maybe it was the strep and maybe it was my fear, but either way it kept we awak, despite the early morning sun. I had been awake officially three days and I was tired of being alive. What was worse was that I actually had something to look forward to, namely that girl. But just as that thought entered my mind a loud alarm went off indicating the presence of a fire, I grabbed my stuff and ran.
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Sunday, May 01, 2005

sandwhiches and vibrators
well yesterday was interesting enough. I cant remember exactly what all happened, but it was fun. Lets see, I didnt really work that much this weekend at all and it was fantastic kinda. I know when I go back to Odessa I am going to start missing it, but right now it sucks. Man, me and Dymtri are kinda sick and spitting out snot all over the place, its pretty gross, but oh well I am going to clean this god damned apartment today, I already started washing the dishes and some clothes, I guess eventually I am going to have to organize all my clothes and shit but right now I dont feel like it because I am kinda tired, but its really not like there is anything else to do, its just that I dont particularly want to do it. Man there is shit everywhere all over this apartment, I cant look one place without seeing some crap just lying around, maybe I'll organize it when I move, thats probably the best plan yep. Anyways, shit, last night was funny, I hung out with Pardis and Chantel and Dymtri, it was pretty fun. We sorta just laid around and shit. I went to the pecan str festival and bought myself a hat and my mom some mothers day presents, also bought some fried chicken on a stick, which was fantastic. I loved all the people and also the company, it was fantastic. Me and Chantel wore these tye dye tshirts the whole time and we looked like a couple of God Damned hippies and it was hilarious. Also, I need to study tonight and work on Dymtris labs.
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Thursday, April 28, 2005

waiting and waiting
Today was shitty. I dont know why really. I had to work last night, that sort of blew. Not really though. Went to school today, turned in my huge ass ten page essay that I finally finished last night. That was great. Anyways, today I went and ate with chantel and pardis, two groovy chics from around the bend if you know what I mean? Haha, their funny peoples, but I sorta of like hanging out with those guys, being as how they are my friends and all. Anyways, Anyways, Anyways, I haven't got much to to say, been talking to Cathy alot recently, thats pretty good because I have missed talking to that person since forever, we used to be best friends and then poof! I dunno what happened. Anyways, I say that alot, I guess that really is everything until now. It seems like right now, I am just waiting and waiting and waiting, for something, death, no more school, a drive, a movie, which I think I will see tonight called One Missed Call, by my man Takashi Miike, Great director that guy. New Episodes of Family Guy this sunday and I cant wait for that shit. Anyways, back to work, goodbye.
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Wednesday, April 27, 2005

love and release
{When you held me in your arms, the breath left my body. When you gently kissed my lips my legs would get shaky and I had to hold on to you so I would not fall. I remember that summer like it was yesterday. We saw each other each day and we would stay outside until the sun went down, and then when we were too tired of looking at the stars we would fall asleep in each others arms. When I think about these things that I have lost, all these memories that meant nothing, all the time spent with you, I realize how selfish I was. I can no longer laugh and happiness avoids me like the plague. Oh, what is this love? What have I done? If your beautiful eyes could ever take me back into them, if your brightness could ever shine on me again then I could feel real. But I am not really real. Please forgive me for it all. I deserve nothing from you, but please, know that it was always you that I really loved.}
{--You've really have to have this read in a girlie robot's voice to get the full effect--}
10:20 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove



In My Mind
just when you think its gone its back again
its over and over and I'm back here again
I've got a friend, she's about 5 foot 3 and believe it or not
shes pretty hot.
but really, whats the point this time?
could it be better than this lie?
I should try, I know I should this time,
but all this waiting and waiting makes me want to cry
but we could be happy? could we be happy?
with this on again off again mentality?
because just when you think its gone its back again
and everything you know is just a back end to reality,
because we cant be everything you think,
but see, I've got this friend thats about 5 foot 3 and believe it or not
she makes me stop.
and think
whats my reason of reasons? whats the point of being even?
could I be this, the master of my own destiny?
or should I be something else from me?
I should just give it up, this focus on myself,
I'm annoucing her arrival, on the 5 3, so lets begin:
here she is,
staring back at me
I hear her voice,
but its hard to believe
that shes still here
and doesnt hate me.
I ask how could this be,
but only silently,
I asked why should this be?
but no answer came to me.
And now that I've wrote this song,
what else could go wrong?
She used to take me places,
show me familiar faces,
but now we all are fading
into unfamiliar spaces,
this unforgiving race is
God and yes he's pacing back and forth back and forth,
in my mind, he's gone blind, and still she remains, in my mind, all the time, locked and forever mine, in my mind.
7:15 PM - 1 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove



Monday, April 25, 2005

music and exits
First it starts with a simple movement,
I fell onto the couch, my head swam slightly.
They all reached for me, but I just said let me be, for I was no were to be helped.
Now its 6 hours later and I'm still reeling I cant help this feeling. I feel like I've been stealing the thoughts from other peoples heads because my body doesnt quite feel like it fits whats inside me I dont even know who or what I am anymore and the pain is buried so deep inside that I cant forget it and everything that is eating me away will eventually end up killing me and theres nothing I can do now except try and forget these awful feelings of not exsisting, I feel like I am so lost and I'm just an empty shell inside myself and there is nothing I can do I can feel everything but somehow it doesnt matter I am ready to give up because I am so very tired is anyone still listening god I hope not because I am done for good that is for sure, I dont know how I got so fat could I really ignore that for so long have I been sleeping all along my memory is fading and I feel like I'm finally awake from something I have been sleeping up until now how is that who am I must I question every waking moment of the sounds of desperation of regret eating me away inside it sounds like a drop of water just pounding away with the echo and echo of the stone walls it climbs up as high as it can and it wont ever come back because it's lost in the heights of darkness in my mind that I cant see that wont exsist unless I let it could this be the ending of something great? or could it just be the end of a beginning, am I just waking up will I go back to sleep it all doesnt matter as long as I am still me I cant forget that I'm not good enough to be anything and everything I wont be cant be understood because I am through and through with this line because like we know it keeps up with the echo of my mind like a bored escape, I have no plans of my own just a simple tone, it sound somewhat like a groan, you know? Like the winded expedition of the travelers from afar? they have waited here so very long and they will end up waiting more because you see this feeling deep inside of me lingers lasting fools of desperate causes in my brain which harbors the pain of the world and if it could all be over now it couldnt be soon enough because I have made everyone else suffer and I feel like it's just to rough on everyone else just having me around so I offer you this one last sound. Pass it around. Dont forget that I was once found, but now. I offer you this one last sound, for now.
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Tuesday, April 19, 2005

lesbians and pirates
Well, who are you again? I suppose this is the master of my own destiny and it's knock knock knocking at your door, I'm sure.
Well, we could start again if you'd like, I'm sure that would please a woman like you, would it not? I dont know anymore though, I'm not quite sure, if you'd like me to hand you a few lectures, a discourse on war, I'd be obliged I'm sure but, quite frankly, you dont ask me anymore.
So what? I'm a whore, your a bore and frankly my dear, I just dont give a flying fuck.
So you think your important? Well you'd better check your schedule cause it seems I'm booked and your open.
Why do I rhyme these melodies, these sweet incantations of a lover's dream? Why cant I sit idly buy, wasting time, baiting life? Well, I'll tell you why, sweet princess of mine, it's all about this simple plan of mine.
See, I'll wait next to your house, and when your lights go out tonight, I'll crouch into the empty light, of your bed, next to your head, I'll lay a rose, that's already dead and when you return, from your sleep, into your mind I'll slowly creep and as you lay, with your hair all tattered, you'll see my face from your mirror shattered, and as you turn, slowly your head, and face what truly lies ahead, you'll sink into a bitter sleep, afraid of what, may be your death.
As you walk, in these dark dark streets, your muffled voice will be long asleep, you'll try and scream, in this strange dream, but no sound escapes, but just some steam, and continue on until you meet, a dark eyed man next to the stream. He'll grab your hand and off you'll go, to places far stranger than you have ever known, and if he let's go, you'll finally know, what its really like, to be alone.
9:37 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove



Monday, April 18, 2005

jesus and masturbation
Sarah, release me from this.
Momma, forgive me, it's bliss.
Oh JESUS!!!! Let your light shine down,
Because, all the sunshine,
amongst the sunrise,
It's been a long time,
Since I've prayed.

Stop.

Jesus, my body is your body.
Sweetheart, bad baggage is now yours.
Life imitates nothing that I initiate and everything I emulate, is you.
and.
Women dont bring me peace, only things I dont exactly need,
in the spring,
like you.
Oh well,
We are all going to hell.
Jesus, rock my soul away.
Sweetie, roll my blues, you may.
Time complicates anything that I masticate and everytime I masturbate I sing, "Do Wap Doo do Wap do do do Wa."
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Sunday, April 17, 2005

nuns and lesbians
so I saw school of the holy beast last night. it was everything that I wanted it too be. I loved it, fantastic. any movie with a scene of blood dripping over the painting of the last supper and nuns urinating on a statue of jesus is ok with me.
anyways, not much happened last night, but the night before last was insane, complete with decapitated heads and short trips to san antonio. anyways, if you'd like to know more, contact me at 512-473-2785, it would be greatly appreciated. good evening.
4:37 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove



Friday, April 15, 2005

feathers and wax
So there is a story in Greek Mythology about Daedalus, a craftsman and inventor who was imprisoned with his son Icarus in a labyrinth. So, being the smart guy he is, he built his son and himself some wings out of feathers and wax. He told his son not to fly to close to the sun, because the wax would melt and he would die. But when they escaped, Icarus got caught up in the moment of flying, just enjoying the flight, this feeling of power and happiness and freedom. So eventually he started flying naiively to the sun but, as expected, his wings melted and he fell to his death.
I am Icarus, but my father never warned me of the sun. I dumbly believed I could meet the sun in the heavens and live on it forever. But it burned me, scarred me, sent me to my death. (Ignore the fact I am not dead physically, just in my heart and soul.)
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banks and suicide
So in the town I live in there is a huge bank building that looks like the office building that Lex Luthor works in. It's called the Frost Bank. Since it is now 11:10 am, and I have been up for about three hours, and skipped out on my two classes I had today, I've decided that this world sucks, and I'm going to go jump off the Frost Bank. Basically, because I wont have to be so mad and angry after I am dead. I had a near death experience, I know what its going to be like when I die. Just darkness and wishing you could wake up. You know whenever I was dying, I didn't know which world was which. Like, this one was there, but there were other places too. I wonder if the people in the other worlds saw me? I wonder if they thought I was cool. I know I didn't make a good impression because I was kind of under the weather. I'd like to go back and show them what I am really like, so they dont think I'm like that all the time. That's why I got to jump off the bank building. Just so they know, I'm a pretty ok guy. But seriously, suicide is a stupid selfish thing to do. It hurts the people your close too, but if your not close to anyone than I guess it's ok. If there is no one that cares about you, nobody that really depends on your company, then suicide is alright, because no one cares about you anyways. But surely there is at least one person that cares about everyone right? Right? Eh, this is pointless. Yesterday was strange. I lost a lot, my dignity, the strength in my legs, a friend. Sad to say, the last thing was probably the worst one. Maybe I'm a selfish person. Maybe I'm wrong. But that doesnt change the fact that some people, no matter how hard you try, will never really care. Because some people, they dont know what caring means. I'm sure it's all relative, so what I am really getting mad at is the fact that this person doesn't care about the same stuff as me. Therefore, I guess it really is my fault, but the intolerance I feel towards mine and their priorities is some what unbearable after awhile. That's fine though. People change. People die. The world goes one. Not once has someone lost a loved one, gotten broken up with, cheated on, heart-broken, despair struck, and then the world ended. It still continues today to the chagrin of Hollywood. That's fine though, I can accept that my relationships are only important because I make them that way, but what I cant accept is my ultimate destiny, undeniable, utterly unfixable fact that I will die. That's right everybody, one of these days, when I least expect it, my world is going to fall apart, and I will return to sleep for evermore.
So, do I fear death? That's the real question to think about when you think about dying. Do you fear death? Does the fact that you are going to stop breathing, your heart is going to stop beating, your going to stop moving, and then who knows? Does that frighten you to uhm, death? Well, some people it does. The fear of the unknown. What might happen after we stop breathing? The answer is, we dont know. Nor will we ever know. Because people dont come back from the dead. They stay that way.
But that leads me to a place I shouldn't go, if dead people never come back, it must be because they like it there. So why shouldn't people try to get there faster? I say, smoke as much as you like, drink as much as you like, eat the fattest foods, because death will be fun!
Life is like a card game. You sit around, waiting for your turn from the dealer. When he gives you your cards, you see what you got, then you estimate what everyone else has compared to what you got, and figure out whether or not you wanna stay. If you do stay, your there until you lose. If you dont stay, your out for good.
Right now, I'm deciding whether or not to throw in. I could, try and beat the odds, try and underestimate the world and maybe win. At least I could lose with dignity.
But I also could give up now, save my money.
Either way, I get to play again.
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Thursday, April 14, 2005

bums and broads
today was funny.
talked to a few old friends.
that was interesting.
realized someone HATES me.
that was cool too, but I dont mind too much, they aren't that nice anyways.
also, I sort of cleaned up a bit.
more like I sat here and dymtri moved shit around from my closet.
since he moved in my apt has been alot dirtier, but its ok I really dont mind.
this weekend was sort of weird, long, weird, and fun too.
made better friends.
so theres the person, their quite lovely.
but whatever, nothing ever works out.
I dont care anymore.
not really, not about broads.
because they always fuck yeh over, you know?
I guess thats why I like them too though, you never know what could happen.
anythings possible really.
I just hope I haven't met the girl I am going to marry unless it's mackenzie cause I dont think I could live with any of the others.
dont get me wrong, their cool and my friends, but they dont seems my types.
unless you like making out with your sister, then you know, its all good.
but I dont.
even though I am adopted.
hey! if youve got some time, go ahead and check out my journal entry, its the story, the long one with alot of caps.
I re-read it and its pretty good.
let me know where you think I should go with that, I would appreciate some constructive criticism.
either way, have a good one, nighty.
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Tuesday, April 12, 2005

pixels and pirates
today,
aliens escape from the andean,
our communities become sanctities of
life, tonight we will fight
for our rights, our might will be tight.

today,
foul games turn into foul play,
our oppurtunities become documentaries of
kites, tonight we will right
for our night, our fight will be right.

I could feel myself fading away into outer space and I felt the weight of constant pace in my compact car of eternity tugging and pulling at my maternity, I was lost in oppurtunity that I sucked at the virginity of my lifeless dreams.
I was lost and I escaped from the life that I once knew to be true in my own backyard were I found the card. She gave me a look, I was a crook, she wont return what she took from my love, she escapes. Life is just a race. Dont forget your face when you take the bait.

So here we are in Las Vegas,
this is the stuff that makes us,
insanity, so beautiful, so beautiful,
when I'm with you.
So the lights shine bright on this Vegas night,
so lets not fight, this gorgeous night,
forget me not,
because it may leave a spot,
but believe it or not,
I care ALOT.

tAkE Five Joe,
cut it,
record this.

Sunrise, sunset, I won't forget.
Travel far, travel hard,
dont let them in just yet.
I'm so hard to get, and yet,
you find yourself a constant threat,
regret!
But those opinions dont matter,
we may rise with a ladder,
but what we are is what we're not,
and you forgot,
this hellish underworld, were people rot,
it's all we've got, cause hell is not, in other people,
we are all we've got, or not?

Ok, That's good, leave it like that Joe.

-Alien (Caldera)
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Friday, April 08, 2005

last-words and goodbyes
That feeling we get when we're falling,
it's death and yeh it's calling.
Oh my friend, your sweet bitter end.
This creeping feeling, we get, while we watch each other slip.
Into it's grip, yeah it's death, and yes we're sinkin' in, we're dippin' in.
Oh my friend, our sweet bitter end.

Let's paint the town red tonight,
it might be our last long fight,
Because tonights the night,
Oh my friend, the sweet bitter end.
So, kiss me one last time,
cause I'm straight outta' lies,
Lets drift into our demise,
Oh my friend, our sweet bitter end.

Shh....It's all over now.
Hush, we're floating in the clouds.
Sleep, with my sweetest girl tonight,
Oh god, my sweet bitter end.
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skin and fortune-tellers
pardon my accidental dignity
but the affliction of my air element
made me think of Arabic parts
of public humiliation and
an ascension into a life of crime
your constant aversion
makes me think of stolen hearts
kisses lots upon the open breeze
of melancholy.
conscious stares of barren signs
with cadent houses
lost in the celestial spheres of
insanity
of beautiful colors of blue and white
slow explosions with thundering noises
that little collection of light,
shines down upon my hands,
and shows what I've commited
into
a culmination of epic proportions
an eclipse that stops the sun,
destroys the world
and leaves us here
immersed in sadness
at the equinox
of you and me
the fall
of fertile signs
the fifth house
of recreation, children, love affairs, creativity,
and the extension of thyself through these things
that the finger of fate,
has its finger around,
like me around you,
frustration,
then I'm gone,
flying away from morbid mansions.
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flags and flowers
Can you hear the people screaming?
The sound of their voices held in the air,
thousands of people, caressed with despair.
No more laughter only tears,
there's nothing left now, only fear.
All the hope is fleeting, always leaving the people,
what the fuck is going on, what the hell has gone wrong?
Has the world opened up to swallow me whole?
Or am I just spinning in circles, with nothing to hold?
Because pushing and pulling is making me sore,
I watch the cities burn from the stage,
and the captains, repulsed, shivering up like a whore
and the generals die, falling down to the core,
their faces down, in the blood and gore, silent except for the movement of oars,
the innocence, once a given, is now taken, only for freedom, that isn't real at all.
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Friday, April 08, 2005

lies and chocolate
Step into my life,
And help to guide me.
You’ve hurt my pride,
And helped to blind me.
Open your eyes,
And you won’t see me.

You said you said you loved me,
You lied you lied.
And something died inside me,
You said you said.
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rain storms and fences
Your taste, still on my lips,
Your smell, still in my clothes,
Still I can feel it in you,
All you are is a deep black hole, in the sky,
You pull me in and then you take me out,
Then you leave me dry.
You should go; I'm not quite easy within my own skin.
You should leave; I can’t believe your doing it again.
Fuck you
I'm only human.
Can't get that scent from my clothes.
Let’s tell the whole world where we stand.
Cause that’s all your are is a whore,
A hole in the ground to fall into.
You should go,
The more I open up to you the more you leave me in the dark.
You should leave; all you’re doing is killing me inside,
Making me say,
"I love you, you’re beautiful"
"I hope you fuckin die"
This is an ode to myself.
Because I keep thinking that I'm somebody else.
This is an ode to myself.
Because I want to be somebody else.
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Thursday, April 07, 2005

sunshine and sins
Well this has been a crazy past couple of weeks, I havent slept alot, lots of changes. Hmm, to what do I owe this craziness? I know not, but I do know I like it. Do you remember the last time you smiled? I do, it was a couple of days ago. Do you remember the last time you saw a really good movie before besides Sin City, I do, and it was great. UHm. You know what? I think I have nothing else to say. Isn't the world funny. So a student from my school was murdered last night, stabbed. Bad stuff. I honestly am compelled to find out why people kill. The more and more I read and work and study the subject, I begin to understand, but I cannot explain it. What do you say to this girl's family? Someone went crazy, stabbed your daughter. How is that ok? How do you make them find happiness again, once that is taken away? The truth is there is nothing I can do, save help ease their pain through whatever service I can offer. The healing, thats all on their side. Anyways, thats all I have for this evening, goodnight.

Currently reading:
When We Die : The Science, Culture, and Rituals of Death
By Cedric Mims
Release date: By 24 July, 2000

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Wednesday, April 06, 2005

sunglasses and tiki huts
I can only imagine that I am being punished right now for evey bad thing I have ever done. I am in the throws of death and I see no end in sight, no blinding white light at the end of this tunnel. Only darkness and it surrounds me so completely that I dont know if I am going straight any more. You remember how things used to be so simple ? Well, those times are dead and gone like everything else in this world. I wish it would be summer, as much as I love the cloudiness and rain I can only take so much drearyness and as cool as it is driving around listening to sad music, it does take it's toll. So I just gave up on the sun, I don't need these sunglasses anymore, these tiki huts just wont do. I'm living in a fantasy world and the great thing is that no one can wake me up. Waking up, how hard is that? Somedays, it's harder than others, but honestly, never that difficult now. It used to be, back when I could see outside my window, see all the cars passing by and the sun covered by the clouds. It was blue outside and I could not wake up, the alarm kept going, but I could not move. I stared at the ceiling, moved my head into the pillow, trying to suffocate myself but with no avail. So I gave up on my pillow too. Now it is 4:13 in 2005 and I am sleepless in Austin. How have I gotten here? I dont remember the steps I took. It was like I was there and now I am here, but it's a different sort of here now. It's like I am here and I am were I was but just somewhere else, like here. And I feel like I need this. But there I am again, giving up on where I was and taking where I am. I give up too much, saving myself the pain. Is that wrong? Could be, but maybe when the sun comes out again, and it's warm again, and I can wear t-shirts and sunglasses, maybe then I wont give up. Maybe then I'll stick with it, like I tried to stick with everything. Maybe I will embrace the sun. let it even burn me if it wants. Because then the shelter of my tiki hut will be sufficient and I can live, and die, in happiness.
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Saturday, April 02, 2005

tanning beds and movie stars
Oh for a life less dreamed,
oh for a second we seemed to be,
a life less ordinary.

Will God forgive for what we did?
Will we ever be without sin?
I've got bad news my friend,
God is dead, and no one's getting in.

Oh for a life that means,
oh for all these empty things,
a life less ordinary.

Will Hollywood remember what we were?
Will california place a star in my name?
I've got bad news my friend,
Hollywodd is dead, and everyone get's in.

Oh so what have we now?
oh nothing, save for this empty sound,
Oh we will give up and move on,
oh GOD, we're gone and gone.
Oh now, let's just give up now,
oh pretending we don't share,
pretending we dont care,
Oh about this life,
this lifeless ordinary.
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Thursday, March 31, 2005

open mic night
well tonight was interesting, i went to an open mic with my friend chantel with the implicit intentions of listening and I became a part of the show and now I have my live cd to prove it. SO what if I used a blue kids guitar i bought at wal mart. who cares. i had a homework paper to do, but i did it and its shitty ass hell. oh well. who cares. ive been havign great days in austin and i made some new friends this evening, also i went and ate at Huts Hamburgers and jesus christ that place is pretty good. ive been there alot before, but damn, they know how to make hamburgers. anyways, caldera is gonna rock down the band this summer, or we plan on it anyways. good shit. well. i dunno i guess i should be getting to sleep, but i just got done mastering this cd so i wanna go listen to it in my car but i dunno if i should shit im so nervous what if i sucked and now i have to listen to my shittiness. haha of course i sucked though because guess what? i played the guitar the WHOLE time, so there yeh go. I cant play the guitar. I dont even know the chords. I know the piano kinda. But not the guitar. Oh man, I just strummed the whole time. I didnt even have a pick, I just folded up a peice of paper. GOod STuSFfFF. Anyways, see ya soons guys, gotta get ripped, bry-o.
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Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Gods an asshole
girls. sheesh. what a waste of time and money sometimes. but i guess they can be worth it, but to tell you the truth all they may cause in the end is pain and suffering, i've found this too be true in about, uhm, every single on of my relationships, but oh well! life goes on and so do I. but for real, whats the fuckin deal? these crazy bitches are out for blood sometimes and I dont know why? like sometimes i cant believe it, im just like whoa what the hell you crazy moody bastards? one day your fine and dandy, being all lovey and lovey and kissy and all that, five minutes later I might say something wrong and jesus christ you might as well assume I started fuckin world war 452345. I skipped all the other ones because this one is worse, eh? I mean where can some of these women come off saying some of this shit? like I would never have the balls to say to a girl. like "you know if your gonna treat me like that then im just gonna go out and become a porn star and then buy you a car with all the money I get screwing other men." when all I did was say that I didnt feel very good that night. ok maybe its not always that extreme, but wow. I guess I am back to the whole nothing surprises me thing, so whenever those crazy times start in, those girls start getting nutso every few months, I can just let it slide and just wish I was dead. Because I usually do anyways.

Furthermore, about this title, well, I thought I'd try an entry with a little post-easter feel to it, anyways I have been ok for all the fucks out there who care. lots of school work, and I am ready for the summer time, looks like its going to be a great one, I am actually doing quite good so I decided to tell everyone how great I feel at the moment, maybe its the drugs, maybe its just because I have a pretty tight grasp on things, maybe its because I dont gotta worry anymore, but something just seems great. "whats not so great:" recently there have been plenty of people describing to me their relationships and all the problems, like whoa man how can so many people dump their boyfriends all at once and then proceed to think they should tell me about why and how and every little intimate detail, dont get me wrong I love talking and listening, but its just that I dunno, I guess I'm jealous cause I dont have a relationship really, not that I want one, thats the furthest thing from my mind, but its just like all these poor schmucks who are in relationships are running around and ending them and getting into new ones like it all matters, whatever man. I'm too cool to bother myself with that stuff. Yet here I am writing on a freakin blog about it. How pathetic. Oh well, I dont care too much, I wish that all these past few years I have been hoping and wishing to be something else I would have realized how happy I could be and start living. But there always has to be a starting point and I guess this one is as good as any. Yet. Yet. Yet. I have so many questions and not enough answers, which is actually ok for me. I've gotta long time too live. But like I said earlier, this summer maybe one of the best. I've got an extensive tour of three different countries lined up. Looks like I'll be traveling perhaps to Georgia, here in the US, a couple of different cities in China, and Huesteca in Mexico. Goodness. I cant wait. I'm going on an archaeological expedition in Mexico and that is by far the one I look forward to the most. Even though it is not so much an expedition as it is a sort of travel/learning/distance education sort of thing, but I dont care, I'm fucking finding some gold. Thats right, I'll find the lost city of atlantis in mexico probably and all of you can say you knew me when. That's amazingly awesome. Plus you know Caldera, we're always playing roadshows, so WHO KNOWS where that might take me. Hah. Whatever, fuckin tony and fuckin joe and fuckin james, we need to get our shit together and shit all over this fuckin place man. You know what I am talking about. Anyways, I feel this sort of urge to splurge, by reading some fuckin textbooks! yippie. so yeh, ill get to that and sleeping, hope all of you are well enough, to everyone in odessa i know how that shit is and hopefully someone will go started a huge fuckin circus or something there to take your minds off of the dullness that surrounds you. lord knows. lord knows what? i dunno, good evening.
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Wednesday, March 02, 2005

luke y bryon
Now is the winter of my discontent, i guess spring, but who the hell gives a damn, anyway?
Mainenent c'est l'hiver de mon discontente, je pense printemps, mais qui donne fous, eh?

the tight, sick feeling in my stomach rises, crunches as she walks away, each rise and fall of her tight, round buttocks pounding the nails deeper into the coffin of my heart. like pangs of hunger rising and falling into the madness of my insanity, the king lear to my ophelia, "GOD, END MY SUFFERING" poison the water that sustains these sexual urges. purge my feelings of inadequate love, make me unequal equally, kill these damned repugnant festering wounds of rage and hateful death, fly me away from these morbid mansions, you bitch.

reflecting on the brief time we spent together, i hear the echoes of her lies in the hollow of my hate-filled head, intermingled with the cries of "damn my libido" as i punch my treacherous crotch into submission, venting my anger at the source of my fall into the pools of despair, doomed as narcissus to drown in my hubris, among other things.

i snort coke cause im addicted, through the straw is the only way. god damn it burns as it enters my nose. all i can taste is the metalic words spreading through my mind, your lips so tender, but your breath so rotten. bitches bitches bitches, what else is there to write about.

At the time i thought it was a good idea, smuggling drugs into the u.s. using a soviet navy surplus submarine, but it turns out that nuclear reactors are a tad bit complicated. And that's why i have no body hair, teeth, or retinas or penis.

But the winter that some was weak, I saw the faded scars of the ancient hurding buffalo and I knew what had to be done. I sat myself to work upon the stone and it five days I had etched out the saying of the elders, in one big greek letter. All the time that I had been wasting, wondering, hoping that the day would come that I could finally break free of this invisible prison has been spent for this moment. We were no longer desperate searchers and lonely hearts, we were soulful creatures with burdens on our backs, but at the moment we were free. Free to search and live and gather as we pleased, such was my life as a hunter-gatherer.


Ring. Pause. Ring. This ri is cut off in mid ng, a familiar voice says hello, i say hey...how's it going hot pants, in my best "i'm not calling just to get into your pants, but i genuinely want to talk to you and listen to your problems ... as i gradually move closer, saying yes or no according to the tone of your words, not listening to the story of your day, week, life, who cares exactly what, but simply using the time of your self-absorbtion to build up a facade of care and deceit to conceal the stinky cologne that is desperation, relaxing you just enough to work my hands around your slim waist and over your stomach, to your breasts with their nipples tugging at the cotton of your shirt, like a fucking fairy tail that ends in well .. tail.

Then she tells me to have my way, but I had her sex anyways. Her lips pressed against mine in eternal sunshine. Thin complexs of mine, shades of lime in my prime. Mr. Pregnant says "Lets go home, I am tired of this." I wish I could just go home home home. Fuck this news. I am tired of the life we live inside our live. I lost all train of thought, "Wake up damn you." You know what they say? A penny fucking thrown up in the air is a penny fucking thrown up in the air? Probably. Well, I am tired now so I leave you with a dialouge from the mental movie in my head.
man: Alright, I'll give you one last fucking chance. Tell who killed tony.
guy: I swear I dont fuckin know, you know I would tell you if i knew but I swear to fuckin christ i dont know....please I got kids and shit, just dont fuckin kill me.
man: Well then, there goes your fucking daughter (fires a shot into his daugther's head)
guy: NOO!!!!! I swear to everything holy that I will fucking rip your eyes outta your fuckin skull and rape your head before I die.........(gunshot) ........{guy slumps to the floor}
man: rape that you bastard.
Then they all lived happily ever after.
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Tuesday, March 01, 2005

on trial
Current mood: aggravated
so I started a new story tonight, so far its just ok, its kinda of a weird idea, read on and you'll get the picture, but note that this is just the beginning of the whole thing, its not even a quarter of the way finished, think of it as a court transcript:

Chapter 1
September 23rd, 2005
9 am
Judge Johnson addresses the Jury in pre-trial briefing:
GOOD MORNING, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, AND WELCOME BACK. I HAD HOPED WHEN WE NEXT MET THAT THE PANTHERS WOULD BE ON A LENGTHY WINNING STREAK. UNFORTUNATELY, THAT WAS NOT TO BE. (laughter)
AS YOU ALL MAY BE VERY WELL AWARE OF, TEXAS PUTS STRICT LIMITATIONS ON ITS JURY SELECTION PROCESS, YOU TWELVE HAVE BEEN SELECTED TO REPRESENT THE DEFENDANT’S, BRYAN R PERRYMAN, GROUP OF PEERS. THIS HAS ALL BEEN EXPLAINED TO YOU IN THE JURY ORIENTATION PROGRAM HELD BY COURT MARSHAL CAVAZOS. I HOPE YOU FOUND THE LECTURE INFORMATIVE, AND IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS DURING THE DURATION OF THE TRIAL, PLEASE DIRECT THEM TO HIM.
DURING THE NEXT ‘PHASE’, IF YOU WILL, OF THIS TRIAL, I WILL BE GIVING YOU SOME OF THE RULES OF THIS NEW JOB YOU ALL WILL BE EMPLOYING. THE INFORMATION YOU WILL RECEIVE IN THE NEXT FEW MOMENTS MAY SEEM A BIT TRITE AND WORDY, AS IT’S WRITTEN FOR LAW, NOT FOR TITULATION. AS WE EXPLAIN THESE REGULATIONS TO YOU, I WILL INTERJECT WITH ANYTHING I FEEL NEEDS FURTHER COMMENTATION FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND AND TO BETTER MAKE YOUR DECISION WITH IN THE CASE OF THE STATE OF TEXAS V.S. BRYAN PERRYMAN.
FIRST OF ALL, YOU MUST CONSIDER THE EVIDENCE GIVEN IN THIS TRIAL. YOU MUST CONSULT THIS WHEN MAKING A DECISION, AND MAKE THAT DECISION TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE.
SECOND, YOU MUST KEEP IN MIND THE LAWS OF THE STATE OF TEXAS AND UNDERSTAND THEM IN RELATION TO THIS PARTICULAR CASE. IF I FEEL YOU HAVE MISREPRESENTED A PART OF THE LAW, I WILL SUGGEST FURTHER DISCUSSION ON THE MATTER. YOU HAVE BEEN SWORN IN AS MEMBERS OF THIS JURY AND I EXPECT YOU TO ACT WITH RESPONSIBILITY AND INTEGRITY, AND IF I FEEL THAT THIS HAS BEEN IN ANY WAY COMPROMISED I AM OBLIGED TO REMOVE YOU FROM THE JURY AND SELECT IN YOUR STEAD AN ALTERNATE.
THIRD, YOU MUST REMAIN SUBJECTIVE IN PROCESSING MR PERRYMAN, DO NOT PITY HIM AND DO NOT RECUSE HIM FOR ANY CIRCUMSTANCE HE MAY HAVE SUFFERED. ALSO, DO NOT CONDEMN HIM FOR A PREVIOUS OFFENSE. LOOK ONLY TO THE ACCUSATIONS AT HAND, NOTHING PREVIOUS.
MR. PERRYMAN IS TRUSTING IN YOU THAT YOU WILL PROCESS HIM WITH ALL FAIRNESS AND WITH WHAT YOU BELIEVE TO BE THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH, IF AT ANY TIME YOU FEEL THAT THIS MAY BE A PROBLEM, TALK TO THE DESIGNATE PERSONS/PERSON TO WHOM WE HAVE TOLD YOU IN THE ORIENTATION.
FOURTH, STATEMENTS MADE BY THE ATTORNEYS ARE NOT FACTS, MERELY QUESTIONS AND WILL TRY TO BE KEPT SUBJECTIVE BY MYSELF. ALTHOUGH, IF A FACT IS AGREED UPON AMONGST ME AND THE ATTORNIES, YOU MUST ACCEPT THAT AS THE TRUTH AND NOTHING TO THE CONTRARY.
YOU MUST NOT INDEPENDENTLY INVESTIGATE THE FACTS OR THE LAW OR CONSIDER OR DISCUSS FACTS AS TO WHICH THERE IS NO EVIDENCE. THIS MEANS, FOR EXAMPLE, THAT YOU MUST NOT ON YOUR OWN VISIT THE SCENE, CONDUCT EXPERIMENTS, OR CONSULT REFERENCE WORKS OR PERSONS FOR ADDITIONAL INFORMATION.
FROM THIS POINT ON, YOU MAY NOT SPEAK ABOUT THIS CASE UNLESS ALL TWELVE JURORS ARE PRESENT. YOU MUST ALSO REFRAIN FROM READING ANY JOURNALISTIC ACCOUNT OF THE PRECEEDINGS. WHETHER THEY BE ON TELEVISION OR IN PRINT, YOU ARE HEREBY NO LONGER PERMITTED TO DISCUSS ANY OF THESE MATTERS OR HAVE ANYTHING BUT THE FACTS IN THIS TRIAL MAKE YOUR OPINION.
YOU MAKE ALSO MAKE NOTES OF THE PROCEEDINGS AND THE EVIDENCE PRESENTED, BUT YOU ARE NOT PERMITTED TO SHARE THESE NOTES WITH ANYONE, THESE NOTES MUST NOT DISTRACT FROM YOUR ATTENTION OF THE TRIAL. THESE ARE ONLY FOR RECALLING THE EVIDENCE ONCE YOU ARE IN DELIBERATIONS.
BUT REMEMBER, YOU ALWAYS HAVE THE OPTION FOR THE COURT REPORT TO READ BACK ANY TRANSCRIPT OF EVIDENCE THAT YOU MAY FIND DISREPANCIES AMONGST YOURSELVES.
ALSO, YOU WILL FIND NOTEBOOKS ON YOUR CHAIR, WITH NUMBERS CORRESPONDING TO YOUR SEAT NUMBER. FEEL FREE TO TAKE WHATEVER NOTES YOU LIKE AND MAKE AS ANALYTICAL COMMENTS AS YOU LIKE, FOR THESE NOTEBOOKS WILL BE DESTROYED AT THE CONCLUSION OF THIS TRIAL. FURTHERMORE, YOU MUST LEAVE THESE NOTEBOOKS AT YOUR ASSIGNED SEAT WHEN THE COURT ADJURNS EVERDAY AND WE WILL MAKE SURE NO ONE TAMPERS WITH THEM AT ANY GIVEN TIME DURING THE COURSE OF THIS TRIAL.
WITH THAT SAID, I BELIEVE WE CAN BEGIN. BUT BEFORE WE DO, I’LL GIVE YOU A BRIEF SCHEDULE OF HOW WE WILL DO THINGS FROM NOW ON. WE WILL HAVE A RECESS AT AROUND 12:30 AND WILL ADJOURN BACK HERE AT 1:30, AND THEN WE WILL GO TO 3:00 O'CLOCK, TAKE A BREAK, AND YOU SHOULD BE OUT OF HERE BY 4:30 EVERY AFTERNOON FOR YOUR PLANNING PURPOSES.
OKAY. MR. UNDERSHAFT, ON BEHALF OF THE PEOPLE.
MR. UNDERSHAFT: THANK YOU, YOUR HONOR.
GOOD MORNING, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
THE JURORS: GOOD MORNING.
MR. UNDERSHAFT: WELCOME BACK.
THIS TRIAL WILL BE ABOUT TWO PEOPLE. TWO PEOPLE. BRYAN PERRYMAN AND BRYAN BONNER. MORE SPECIFICALLY, IT WILL BE ABOUT WHAT BRYAN PERRYMAN DID TO BRYAN BONNER.
IN LIGHT OF THAT FACT, AND TO AVOID CONFUSION, I WILL BE REFERRING TO THE DEFENDANT, BRYAN PERRYMAN AS MR P, AND TO THE VICTIM AS MR B. IN UNDERSTANDING WHAT IS HAPPENING AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME, YOU MUST UNDERSTAND WHAT BROUGHT US ALL HERE. THIS WILL INCLUDE A PERIOD OF 20 YEARS, OVER WHICH MR B WAS ADOPTED, RAISED, CARED FOR, LOVED AND RESPECTED BY HIS FAMILY. INTO THE FUTURE, WHERE MR P BRUTUALLY TRIED TO MURDER MR B IN A FIT OF MADNESS ONE EVENING. THE CRIMES THAT MR P IS ON TRIAL FOR THIS MORNING ARE NOT LIGHT ACCUSATIONS, BUT THEY ARE REVOLUTIONARY ONES. NEVER BEFORE HAS A MAN BEEN ON TRIAL FOR TRYING TO MURDER HIMSELF, BUT TODAY, I FEEL THAT IT IS FITTING, BECAUSE MR B WAS UNWILLING, HE WAS A VICTIM IN EVERY SENSE OF THE WORD.
ANOTHER ASPECT OF THIS TRIAL IS THE LARGE AMOUNT OF EVIDENCE WE HAVE AGAINST THE DEFENDANT, WHICH ALLEGES THAT MR P, ON THE NIGHT OF AUGUST THE 2ND, 1992, TRIED TO SUFFOCATE MR B, LEAVING MR B IN A VEGETATIVE STATE, WITH NO ABILITY TO SPEAK OR MOVE OR EVEN BREATH WITHOUT THE HELP OF A MACHINE. THE EVIDENCE ALSO SHOWS THAT SOMEONE INTENTIALLY TRIED TO KILL MR B.
MR. PERRYMAN: ARGUMENT. OBJECTION.
THE COURT: OVERRULED.
MR. UNDERSHAFT: AND THE EVIDENCE WILL SHOW YOU WHO THAT IS.
THE EVIDENCE IN THIS CASE THAT WE WILL PRESENT WILL FOCUS ON BRYAN PERRYMAN, WHAT HE DID AND WHAT HE DIDN'T DO, WHAT HE SAID AND WHAT HE DIDN'T SAY.
Chapter 2
THE EVIDENCE STARTS OUT ON A COLD NOVEMBER EVENING, 1983 INSIDE A HOUSE IN ODESSA, TX. IT WAS THERE THAT TWO ADULTS, CONCIEVED MR BONNER. IT WAS AROUND 7 PM. THE WIND CHILLY NOVEMBER WINDS HAD BROUGHT THE COUPLE INSIDE THE HOME OF THE FEMALE. HER PARENTS WERE AT CHURCH, WHICH IS WHY THE MALE WAS PRESENT IN THE HOME. THE PARENTS DESPISED THE MAN, BUT THE FEMALE DESPERATELY LOVED HIM. THEY WERE BOTH COLLEGE STUDENTS, BUT GROWING UP IN A SMALL, LONELY LITTLE TOWN, THEY FOUND THEIR CHILDHOOD ASPIRATIONS HAD BEEN QUELLED AND BOTH WERE LEFT WITH A SENSE OF TRYING TO BELONG. ALTHOUGH THE FEMALES CHRISTIAN BELIEFS TOLD HER THAT SHE WAS WRONG FOR FEELING THE WAY SHE DID FOR HER MALE COMPANION, WHAT SHE FELT WAS REAL. IF ANYTHING IT WAS THIS REALNESS THAT MADE THE RELATIONSHIP ANYTHING. THEY HAD BEEN DATING 6 MONTHS, AND ON A REGULAR BASIS THEY HAD CONSUMATED THE RELATIONSHIP. BUT TONIGHT WAS DIFFERENT. TONIGHT, THE MALE COMPANION FELT THAT THE TWO SHOULD JOIN CLOSER TOGETHER. CERTAINLY, THE FEMALE, WHO WE CAN REFER TO FROM NOW ON AS JANE, AND THE MALE AS JOHN, KNEW WHAT WAS HAPPENING. IT WAS EITHER THE SLIGHT BULGE SHE SAW IN JOHN’S POCKET, OR JUST THE LOOK IN HIS EYE THAT NIGHT THAT TOLD HER IT WAS GOING TO BE SOMETHING SPECIAL.
AS THEY LAY IN THE BED, JANE’S HEAD RESTING ON JOHN’S CHEST, CONTEMPLATING LIFE AND WHERE IT WOULD LEAD, HARDLY TALKING, JOHN REACHED INTO HIS POCKET. ACCORDING TO ALL ACCOUNTS, JOHN IS QUOTED AS SAYING THE FOLLOWING, “YOU KNOW WHAT? I LOVE YOU.” JANE MOVED HER HEAD SO SHE COULD LOOK INTO HIS EYES, “I LOVE YOU TOO.” JOHN MOVED HIMSELF UP ON THE BED SO JANE HAD TO LEAN OVER ON HER SIDE, SO HE COULD FACE HER. THEY LOOKED AT EACH OTHER, AND THEY KNEW WHAT THEY WERE THINKING. JOHN SLID A SMALL, BLACK, SATINY BOX FROM HIS POCKET AND HANDED IT TO JANE. SHE DIDN’T OPEN IT, SHE JUST SAT THERE STARING AT THE BOX. WHEN SHE LOOKED UP AT JOHN AND SAW THE CONCERN IN HIS EYES, SHE SAID SIMPLY, “ OF COURSE.” THEN SHE OPENED THE BOX AND TOOK OUT THE RING CONTAINED WITHIN AND SHOVED IT ONTO HER FINGER. THEN SHE HUGGED JOHN, HOLDING HIM, NEVER WANTING TO LET GO. JOHN REMEMBERED THINKING HOW ODD HE FELT, HOW MUCH HE FELT LIKE A PART OF SOMETHING. IN THAT CITY, WHERE FRIENDLY FACES WERE HARD TO COME BY AND INTELLECTUAL CONVERSATION WAS USUALLY NEVER FOUND, JOHN SEEMED TO HAVE FOUND BOTH, A STIMULATING PARTNER, BOTH PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY. THAT SENSE OF BELONGING THAT JOHN AND JANE HAD BEEN SEARCHING FOR HAD FINALLY BEEN FILLED IN EACH OTHER, AND THEY COULD NOT HAVE BEEN HAPPIER.
SUDDENLY, A DOOR SLAMMED FROM THE FRONT OF THE HOUSE AND JANE’S STOMACH DROPPED. JOHN LOOKED UP STARTLED TOWARDS THE NOISE. JANE WHISPERED “OH GOD, MY PARENTS ARE HOME, WHY ARE THEY HOME SO EARLY, JESUS JOHN IF THEY CATCH YOU IN HERE I DON’T KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN.” THEY BOTH JUST LAID THERE, PARALYZED BY THE FEAR OF BEING DISCOVERED. JANE’S EYES STARTED TO WATER AS SHE HEARD FAMILIAR FOOTSTEPS COMING TOWARDS HER DOOR. “JANE, WE’RE HOME,” HER STEPFATHERS VOICE ECHOED THROUGH HER MIND. “HELLO….JANE?” SHE WAS STILL LYING THERE HELPLESS TO THE FACT THAT IN A FEW SECONDS, JOHN MAYBE COMPLETELY OUT OF HER LIFE FOREVER, NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT SHE COULD TELL HER STEPFATHER HAD BEEN DRINKING, AS SHE COULD SMELL IT EVEN WITH THE DOOR CLOSED. SHE HATED THAT SMELL AND ALL THE MEMORIES ATTACHED TO IT. IT WAS LIKE OPENING A PANDORAS BOX IN HER MIND, NIGHTS OF SEXUAL ABUSE TO HERSELF AND HER MOTHER FLASHED BEFORE HER EYES. BUT THERE WAS NOTHING HER OR JOHN COULD DO BUT WAIT FOR THE INEVITABLE OPENING OF THE DOOR AND THEIR DISCOVERY.
THE COURT: OK THAT ABOUT DOES IT FOR THIS AFTERNOON, MEET BACK HERE AT 1:30 PM AND WE WILL CONTINUE WITH THE OPENING STATEMENTS.
Chapter 3
John,
I’m so very sorry about last night, the way I acted, but I had to make sure you didn’t get hurt by my stepfather, when he’s drunk he does a lot of stuff he doesn’t remember. You know that I didn’t really want my family to think you had broken into the house, and I’m so sorry I told them that, but I got it to where the wont file charges. John, please don’t hate me for that I really am sorry I just couldn’t think of anything else to say, and you know how my dad is, you remember all that stuff he did to me in my mom. I love you so much and I want to marry you, but I just need to get out of my house, if you still even want to talk to me, or even want to marry me, meet me outside my house tonight at 3 am and we can run away together. God I know it seems sudden but I have to get away from my Dad, he’s been drinking ever since he threw you out and hopefully he’ll be passed out whenever I get home. I can only tell you how sorry I am, but I am willing to spend the rest of my entire life making it up to you, every single moment of my life I am willing to dedicate only to you my love, because you make everything so much better, you make life worth living, and even if we are starving on the streets somewhere, as long as I am with you nothing, not my father, poverty, or anything will keep me from happiness. You are my source of every good thing I know in the world and I need you to continue on. Please forgive and meet me tonight, if you don’t come, I understand, but please with all my heart I beg you to rescue me from this life.
Love,
Jane
Chapter 4
1:30 pm, Judge Johnson presiding:
THE COURT: THE COURT IS NOW BACK IN SESSION, MR. UNDERSHAFT, WERE YOU LEFT OFF.
MR UNDERSHAFT: THANK YOU YOUR HONOR.
AS I WAS SAYING, JANE AND JOHN WERE GOING TO BE MARRIED, BUT THE PARENTS WALKED IN AND FOUND THEM TOGETHER. TRYING TO AVIOD HER FATHER’S WRATH, JANE EXCLAIMED THAT JOHN HAD FORCED HIS WAY INTO HER BEDROOM AND HAD BEEN IN THE ACT OF RAPING HER WHEN HER FATHER CAME IN. BECAUSE HER FATHER HAD BEEN DRUNK AT THE TIME, AND WITH THE MOTHER BEING SUBMISSIVE TO THE WILL OF JANE’S FATHER, JACK WAS THROWN OUT OF THE HOUSE, AND THE FATHER WAS GOING TO CALL THE AUTHORITIES. JANE PLEADED WITH HIM AND EVENTUALLY, AFTER A FEW MORE DRINKS, HE FORGOT THE EXCITEMENT AND PASSED OUT IN THE LIVING ROOM.
I REFER THE JURY TO EXHIBIT 1-A, A LETTER WRITTEN FROM JANE TO JOHN ON THAT SAME DAY, DELIVERED TO JOHN, STATING THAT JANE WISHED TO ELOPE WITH HIM AND TO MEET HIM OUTSIDE HER HOUSE THAT MORNING AT 3 AM. JANE WOULD INDEED MEET HIM, BUT SHE SUFFERED FOR IT. I REFER YOU AGAIN TO EXHIBIT 2-A, A POLICE REPORT OF AN ALLEGED RAPE THAT TOOK PLACE NOVEMBER 2ND, 1983.
- The mother of an 19-year-old Odessa woman said that her daughter was planning to elope with a male companion. Between 2 a.m. and 3 a.m., the mother alleged that the child’s stepfather, who was intoxicated, raped his step-daughter. The mother also alleged that after her husband raped the daughter, the daughter did indeed elope with her boyfriend. Preliminary searches of the boyfriend’s house and the surrounding area found no evidence of the daughter or the boyfriend. The suspect was apprehended and charged with rape. The mother also showed obvious signs of abuse, those charges are currently pending.
THE POLICE REPORT SHOWS THAT JANE DID ELOPE THAT EVENING AND DROVE WITH HER BOYFRIEND TO LUBBOCK, TX WHERE THEY FOUND A SECLUDED MOTEL AND STAYED THE NIGHT.
Chapter 5
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Sunday, February 27, 2005

I know your games........
Current mood: curious
Thats right, I know about those sneaky ways you try and make me jealous, truth is I love it. I love it so much. Ah you dont know how cute it makes you. Just one more reason that I love you. That's right, I know your games. I know the way that you move, and its beautiful. I know the way you get all close to me makes me nervous, but feel good at the same time. I know the way that I can feel your breath on my neck and that turns me on. I know your games. I know your tricks, the way you turn you head just right so I can see the best side of you. I know all about you. I know every inch of your body, and its almost perfect. I know the way you look at me, the way you move your eyes and tilt your head down, trying to look submissive. I know all your games, even the ones you dont know your playing. I know the things that come naturally to you, the sensuality of you. I know you, and I know your games, and the jealously you feel for me, and the jealously I hold in me, only makes things better and better until eventually I think it both might kill us. I know that whats holding us back sits not far from us, but you come close anyways and thats fucking beautiful. I know the lasting moments we had together, those nights we've had, I know those games you played then, and I know the games you play now, but frankly I like the games you played then, because the games you play now hurt me like no one elses games ever had, but I think you like that your games you play hurt me like no one else could ever hurt me and you think that these games hold some special power but the games, their just games, and they mean everything to me. I know you love me, and you know I love you.

Currently watching:
Godzilla & Mothra: Battle for Earth/Godzilla vs. King Ghidora
Release date: By 07 October, 2003

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Friday, February 25, 2005

her, when I leave
She said
Truly forever I’m yours for you
Love you always and forever
Be there.

So I left.
Its all I could do,
Your all I knew
So I left.
To see what happens,
When I’m lost and lonely.

I tried
Stayed as long as I could
Loved you as I should.

We’ll see, what happens
When I leave.

Endless your tears,
Streaming like the ocean
I keep screaming,
Leave it open,
But I see your love
Shriveling up inside me,
I did everything I could to stop it,
And then

So I left,
I’m not so close,
But I can still boast,
Your mine,
Nothing
Not time
Not lies
Can change
I love you.
She said
Truly forever I’m yours for you
Love you always and forever
Be there.

So I left.
Its all I could do,
Your all I knew
So I left.
To see what happens,
When I’m lost and lonely.

I tried
Stayed as long as I could
Loved you as I should.

We’ll see, what happens
When I leave.

Endless your tears,
Streaming like the ocean
I keep screaming,
Leave it open,
But I see your love
Shriveling up inside me,v
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all that you need
Chasing you and making a scene
Isn’t everything it’s cracked up to be, but wait…..
Its all ending so fast, and what we have
Is what I thought would always last,
and now that time just passes me by,
I need your touch,
To feel your love,
Nothing with you, ever feels wrong
so
Bury yourself, deep inside of me
Let yourself be safe, but only with me
Don’t worry we will be everything,
all you’ll need is your heart spread open for me
Let me in, and I promise. I swear. I will.
I’ll always be there, forever I swear, so don’t waste your tears,
I am everything you need, lean upon me
And I’ll be your strength, let go, and fly, because
I’m all that you need.
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Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Theory of Reality Acceptance
Here is the notes for an essay I have begun to write for my english class, I guess I'll post the finished version when its finished:
Bryan Perryman

Theory of Reality Acceptance-Major Barbara
Basis for essay:
The dilemma of the people knowing things without completely alienating them, basically, the fact that some people remain oblivious to what is their reality. The smarter and more aware a person becomes, the more potentially powerful they can be. In Major Barbara, the ‘Gospel of Andrew Undershaft’ is based around the fact that religion is overshadowed by the power of gunpowder and warfare. “The ballot is more powerful with a bullet wrapped in it.” The fact that this power is created is fundamentally linked to one aspect of human nature, it’s willingness to be led around. That is what this play is focused on, Major Barbara’s struggle and eventually fall to warfare and industrialism.
The Theory of Reality Acceptance therefore asserts that society is broken into two types of people, those willing to be lead and oblivious and those who are willing to accept the reality that God does not exsist and benefit from the complacent’s beliefs. These would be considered the elites in society, who thrive on the other sides withdrawl from the actuality of their situation and ability to hand their lives over to these priveleged few.
The parable of Major Barbara realizes that this is real, that God is not a factor in the economy, and that poverty is the foremost social problem any given society faces. To that end, the cannon makers, the Undershafts are justified. They literally become the protectorates of the society through their greed. Cusins assimilation and open eyes seem to signify the fact that this can be done for reasons that hide the greed, that justification can be made for it, but Undershaft actually seems a better person for acknowledging he is greedy and not covering it up with the love of fellow man.
Undershaft realizes that killing is the only way to turn a favor into a command, only murder can force the commanded into submission.
The problem with the Salvation and why it doesnt work is basic, because the Salvation demands false promises for necessity. It demands you accept God into your heart before you can recieve aid and if it was turned around, would seem insane. It may just as well be a satanic cult offering water to drought stricken areas in return for the pledged allegiance to Satan, the people may say they accept him, but just for water. Undershafts way of giving the people what they need, in this case protection, is not hidden under vows of Christianity. It is what it is. Cannons and gunpowder are made to protect. In the play, Stephen mentions how the kids teased him saying his father profitted from death, yet they were being protected at that moment by those cannons. Undershafts rejection of his children also signifies a sort of Buddhist removal from the pleasures of this earth. He does his job and nothing else, is aim is profit and he recieves it and nothing else. In fact, Undershaft is like an undertaker, profitting from death, but becoming a necessity because of the societal condition.
But this too is a double edged sword. In order for Undershaft to be as successful as he is, there must be wars to be fought. He counts on the stupid innane struggles within classes, societies, countries and the world to keep him in business. He also counts on an army to use these cannons, which without placid robotic like people, would be meaningless and ineffective. So, Undershaft has basically understood this Theory of Reality Acceptance, that if there are people to be manipulated then he can seize power by being the manipulator.
If this seems only to be social theory and not related at all to any scientific understanding of the world, one needs only to turn to basic physical anthropology and the innate structure of primate society.
These are the facts:
There are two basic ways of attaining power in a social system, leverage and dominance.
Dominance within a group is equal to the fighting ability of one individual. If a memeber of this group wins agonostic contests with another individual constantly, he becomes the dominant individual.
Also, true sociality is associated with established relationships among the memembers of a social group. In these socities in which affiliative behaviors are exercised, a showing of visual rank will establish dominance relationships. In primates this visual showing will usually be through their large canines or other effective feature.
This can be applied to Undershaft in many different ways, his power through his extreme wealth and cannons assert him as a dominant memeber in society. These ideas can also be applied to warfare, the armaments equating to the canines and visual showing which keeps smaller socities at bay and establishes a stratified dominance order.
Another basic aspects of social behavior in primates is that a major factor for establishing a dominance hierarchy is the scarcity of resources available. If a dominant individual can take control of a group, offering protection over the resources, this hierarchial group is able to survive better than a different sort of group.
Leverage enables an individual to attain power through the use of inalienable commoditties, such as mating oppurtunities or knowledge.
Undershaft understands that these basic concepts of domination exsists and he exploits them to their fullest potential, by garnishing the knowledge of cannon building and by using his knowledge and his collection of resources to seize unrealized control of the society. This is known to anthropologists as Machiavellilan intelligence, or being able to assert control by the sophisticated cognitive abilities of some primates by using planning, problem solving, manipulation and deception.
Conclusion.
The dilemma presented in this play is caused by Major Barbara trying to help the poor, and the conflicted between her christian values and her father, but in all reality the struggle was settled even before it started. Barbara was only able to get where she was because of her fathers money and prestige. You could say she asserted the same power her father did, using his money to attain her goals, but when her goals became too lofty, her creator who let himself be exploited, had to vie back control of his society.
Whether or not Shaw was trying to protray a very animal essence of society, he captured the truth of the human condition, the truth of power struggles within a society. His play is almost a perfect mirror image of basic human interactions and how they come to socialize theirselves. This ethonography of sorts, has hopefully opened up its audience to this Theory of Reality Acceptance, either that or it has caused the reader to dismiss the play and therefore proved the novel accurate.
Left out:
Shaw acts as a Buddhist teacher of sorts, jolting his lay people out of their preconcieved notions of what reality is, opening their eyes to what they could be and how to obtain power and end poverty, or he has, like a Baptist preacher teaching damnation to tribes in Africa, damned his audience to a life of subservient, igornant, bliss.
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Friday, February 18, 2005

extremism
ahh shit. I am so tired I could probably just die now and I wouldnt care. I cant wait for this fuckin weekend man, its going to be beautiful. nothing to do but sleep in and eat and shit and shit and shit, until saturday night
so I guess I am saying I cant wait for tonight and the following morning whilst I am asleep because I am going to like sleeping, I just hope the god damn biological clock in my body doesnt wake me up at 7 am like it has been doing the past few days. I'll kick your ass if you do that body! Anyways, hello to all my friends who never read this, and hello to other people as well. I miss you all. SORTA. Not really. Does anyone watch American Dad? that show is fuckin hilarious. hil, arious. not to mention it has some of the same voices from the family guy show. i dont know how its possible for me to indulge in these earthly pleasures, but I do and it suits me well. WELL, I got class in a few then I am driving to the big D allas to catch Lewis Black in all his glory, seems there is standing room only, so I hope the people going with me dont care! Anyways, I am gonna have a feast tonight at hooters, so to all you hooters girls in Dallas who keep calling me, I'm finally coming!!! See ya, byebye.

Currently listening:
Hooterization
By The Hooters
Release date: By 03 September, 1996

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Tuesday, February 15, 2005

hold me -CALDERA
I see you standing there with that same look in your eyes.
I watch you walk away with nothing left to say
I really wish it didnt have to be this way

Alone we start, we stay, we are always alone.
but thats ok, alone we'll stay, cause we dont need these things,
we all just need to be, something, away from this, I wish I could forget your face.

I see you standing there with that same look in your eyes.
I watch you walk away with nothing left to say
I really wish it didnt have to be this way.

Alone we start, we stay, we are always alone.
but thats ok, alone we'll stay, cause we dont need these things,
we all just need to be, something, away from this, I wish I could forget your face.

You keep pushing things along with hopes and dreams and memories,
but these things wont last its all in the past.

Alone we start, we stay, we are always alone.
but thats ok, alone we'll stay, cause we dont need these things,
we all just need to be, something, away from this I wish I could forget your face.
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Thursday, February 10, 2005

Beautiful Collision
Well.
Here I am, about to embark on my journey to Odessa, well in a few days anyways. I haven't been there since christmas.
It's going to be strange I think, but oh well, I'll wear a suit and everything will be ok, I know it will.
This song, it reminds me of something that happened at work, thats all I am going to say, because if I say much more I am jeopordizing my happiness. You all should check out Bic Runga, shes got a sexy voice, its awesome, anyways, she's not as pretty as norah jones.....but shes gotta better voice indeed. Have a good one, bryan.

What a beautiful collision
Things that go bump in the night
With such beautiful precision
Fate could create you and I

Do you know what it means
To abandon your dreams?
To leave with the storms rolling by
How the clouds on this day
Come to take you away
Til you're gone gone far away from me

Beautiful beautiful night
What a beautifully dangerous ride
What a beautiful day we could hardly complain about
What's going on in the sky

What a beautiful collision
Things that go bump in the night
With such beautiful precision
Fate could create you and I

Do you know what it means
To abandon your dreams?
To leave with the storms rolling by
How the clouds on this day
Come to take you away
Til you're gone gone far away from me

Beautiful beautiful night
What a beautifully dangerous ride
What a beautiful day we could hardly complain about
What's going on in the sky

Move with the strangers
That pass through your days
If someone by chance
Should call out your name
When you're lost in the places you don't care to stay
A blinding romance to blow you away

Currently listening:
Beautiful Collision
By Bic Runga
Release date: By 05 November, 2002

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Sunday, February 06, 2005

nothing-CALDERA
No, I didnt wanna leave that night
but I did and I do regret it,
but I dont think that I'll be back,
real soon.

No, I didnt leave a reason,
but I dont think I have one,
but I know there's no turning back,
no turning back.

Know, I did it all for me,
it's quite selfish it seems,
but if it wasn't up to me,
I'd be fine with you and me.

But the lingering thoughts,
linger way to long.
I'm screaming so loud,
to drown out the sound.
Love can be heard,
but just as a word,
I'm high as a bird,
but without a word,
relent to these terms.

Here in my arms,
love is a word,
that borders on the obsurd.

No,I didnt wanna leave that night,
but I did and I do regret it,
but I dont think I'll be back,
real soon.

Well, I'm dreaming a never-ending dream,
its an idiotic theme,
and nothing's there it seems,
but screaming into the stream of lies and deciet
is such a waste of time that
I wont come out alive
and I'm screaming so loud
to drown out the sound.
Love can be heard,
but just as a word,
I'm high as a bird,
but without a word,
relent to these terms.

Here in my arms,
love is a word,
that borders on the obsurd.

No,I didnt wanna leave that night,
but I did and I do regret it,
but I dont think I'll be back,
real soon.
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Saturday, February 05, 2005

not feelin' up to it
I know what's out there.
That's exactly what scares me.
I dont think I am ready yet.
I wish I could put everything on hold.
Because I am just not that steady yet.
I dont think I am ready yet.
And the world falls down,
and I feel like I am not meant to be, me.
Because honestly, you and me,
we're nothing that hasnt been,
and you have been,
and that makes me
nothing special,
you know? You know.
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Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Falsehood is easy, truth so difficult
Why is it that people lie? Do they think you cant handle the information or what? I dont understand it. I think it is selfishness. I think they just want to avoid any type of unhappiness that may come about because of their actions. How can these selfish people live with themselves? I suppose that they just must be almost dead inside or something. How can you even feel like a person if all you do is lie to the people you care about? I dont get it. I understand not wanting confrontations and all that, but if you really care about someone, you wouldnt lie to them. It causes so much more pain and suffering to lie than it does to simply tell the truth. Because whenever a person starts lying, and the people around them know it, they start questioning everything they do and everything they are. So how does that person gain trust back? Do they even deserve it? I dont know, I think so if they honestly try, then yes everyone deserves another chance or nothing will ever get done in life. But if they die, and they are still lying to everyone, how meaningless will this make their life? How absurd will their exsistence be? There whole life story will be built on falsaties and emotionless relationships. You can never care about anyone, as much as you try to convince yourself, if you lie to them about anything. Honesty is like glue that holds relationships together, but the big fundamental underlying fact of the matter is that you have to be honest with yourself. If your not honest with yourself then you cannot be honest will the people who care about you. Think about that the next time you lie, because your not only hurting yourself, your hurting everyone that you lie too. Personally, I cant stand lying, but recently with lots of meditation I think I have got beyond being mad at people who lie and just feeling sorry for them. They are people who will not ever feel joy in their lives as long as they continue to lie. Have you ever been caught in a situation where you lied to save you some pain? Isn't it funny to know that it would've been so much easier just to tell the truth. Obviously, there are some exceptional situations in which lying may be the right thing to do, but living a lie, thats not even living.
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Monday, January 31, 2005

call me kid
Well, I am about to take my lazy ass to the study hall to get a little more reading done. I cant wait for this whole semester to be over and done with, these next few weekends seem that they are going to be way to fucking busy and I cant tell if I am being taken advantage of or if this person is just a fucking weirdo, either way I am ok I guess. Anyways, enough of this me myself and I business, time for work and god damn I need less time.
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Wednesday, January 26, 2005

eat a classmate
god damn school and all these people, they suck ok now I am going going going to class where everyone else is headed, I hate it when people stare at me it makes me feel inadequate in at least five ways, goodnight.
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Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Sgt. Ward
Hello this is bryan perryman, I have an appoint with you for 4pm to talk about the marine corps and the oppurtunities you can offer me. I hope when you see me in action you aren't disappointed. I hope that I can be all that I can be and more in the Marine Corps. Well Sgt. Ward, have a nice day I hope the recruitments go well, see you in Iraq!!
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Sunday, January 23, 2005

comfortable with this
Ok Ok, it took a little while but I think I finally am able to accept myself as I am. Thanks to the Dhammpada and a happy little man known as the Dalai Lama. I cant wait to meet him in person. Everyone that meets him says that happiness shines off of him and I have only known a few people in life that I can solidly say have that quality. There is one friend in particular that just always has a sunny disposition and I really respect that quality. She finds the nothingness in everything yet I am sure she does not really realize that fact. Well thats about all I have to report for this evening, I need to get ready for the class tomorrow which I am looking forward too in fact. I just need the sleep. I had a very nice conversation with my parents just evening about the field I am interested and kind of gave them a broad overview of what I think my future will be like and I was sort of surprised how supportive they were of the whole thing. Not that I thought they would say "your an idiot for wanting to do that," I just didnt expect the response I was given. Especially when I was discussing with them my philosophies and their application to Buddhism, my mother said "It would not surprise me at all if you became (as if becoming is a process) a Buddhist." Then she referenced my childhood and some funny yet insightful philosophies about re-incarnation as a child. It was actually quite a pleasant evening especially because that would probably the most I would say to my parents in quite along time without being under the influence of alcohol. I talked and talked for quite a length of time and they commented and listened and I had not a drop to drink and it was quite fascinating how it all played out. Anyhow, I just thought I would record this event in history into words, because as innane as it sounds, it's actually quite a turning point for myself. Goodnight.
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Thursday, January 20, 2005

today
http://www.calderarize.com
check this shit out and make your brother look at it too.
its awesome.
plus i gotta new laptop and it freaking rocks my socks off and ive been making some killer songs.
plus i got the flu and missed the first day of school.
plus i woke up this morning and was like fuck i dont wanna go to this class, so i will just drop it so now i dont even have an 8 am on tues thurs and that makes me all kinds of happy.
anyways, see ya later bud,
bry-o
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Monday, January 17, 2005

poem
My Lil' Starfish
by Bryan Perryman

gracious pennies, little whinies.
oh sighs of delicious wind!
benevolent wishings, little ticklings,
you are my only line.
to fill the sea, with empty grace,
all of you is what I take.
Clouds, like rain, promise empty fates,
but you, my sunshine, are all magic.
Promises from you,
like floating sails,
like empty vessels,
caressing my despair,
easing my pain,
perusing my scars.
You eat my sorrows,
and make them golden.
You are my sweetest Grenada.
For you, my love, I am eternally,
fraternally, internally commenced and bonded.
Oh your arrows pierce my skin,
blood flows upon your dress,
my eyes roll up,
in ecstasy,
as you stab, your sword of love,
deep, deep into me.
Happy, I die, and with one last sigh,
take breath,
and say,
Your mine......
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Thursday, January 13, 2005

December rain, January pain
I keep trying to let her go, let go of everything. I cling to my Buddhism, thinking that it will help me become selfless and see the nothingness. But I can't return to this state. I treat the texts like they should be treated and I atone for my transgressions and try to make my karma right and harmonious but nothing works. I know that this pain must be for something I have done in a previous life, and I wonder what the hell I must have done? Did I accidentally kill someone, is that why such grief and misery has been visited upon me? Have I caused someone else as much pain as I am in. I hope that I haven't, but if I have then I do deserve what I recieve. But I need this to be over, for my life to retain some of the balance that it used to have. I guess I can refer to the last few years of my life as crazy wisdom. I learned from the mistakes and I hope others can too. I've found that there are people still in my life that need my help, and the buddhist teachings have made me realize how selfish I have been in the whole situation. I didn't just lose her, the world did. But knowing that her spirit is out there, wandering alone, I must think of how much I miss her physical presence. Sometimes, time can seem to go on forever. Fixing myself would require that I don't see time as time, but as space, and we are all just folding around a nucleus of sorts. The central state of being. If I can move towards the middle, take two or three steps at a time, I know I can reach it and that I will be blissfully nothing in no time at all.
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Monday, January 10, 2005

alcohol
Current mood: drunk
Tonight, I sit and drink away everything. The numbness engulfs me and I greet it like a friend. You know, sometimes life isn't worth dealing with, and these nights are the ones I dread. So I deaden the pain with booze. I dont know if thats wrong or not, but when your mom comes into your room and sees the empty bottles lying around and you, with your red eyes, and crazed look and acts surprised, well I dont know where that was going, but its bad all the same. Should I reconsider what and who I am. Right now I feel like I have an identity crisis. Right now I am the writer, tomorrow I will be the mournful husband without a wife, the next day I will be the autopsy assistant, and who knows after that. When am I me, which is me? I dont know anymore. I used to know. Thats before college started. I had a pretty solid idea. Now I'm a boyfriend, a crazy person, a sane person, masculine, feminine, I am everything. So who am I? At this hour, answers are hard to come by and the alcohol isn't helping anymore, but I know I miss her and I know that things could be better. I'm going to pass out now, goodnight goodnight.
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Saturday, January 08, 2005

the wedding
It was a perfect day. The sun was burning down brightly but the wind kept the reception cool. Everyone was there in perfect order. My mom sat there with tears of joy streaming down her cheek. I took my focus off her and to my bride. She looked radiantly beautiful. She was dressed completely in white, and I had knots in my stomach. How the two were similar I'm not quite sure, but when your nervous things get confused. The thing I remember most about her was that she looked so happy, her pale blue eyes stared into mine with the exact same nervousness I felt. It wasn't because we were scared about spending the rest of our lives together. It wasn't because we had to spend all the rest of our time, whether it be bad or good, whether we be mad or sad, whether we hurt or not, it wasn't that. We both just hated being the center of attention. Other people's wedding were easy, but being in the middle of everything, hoping we wouldn't mess up, it made us uneasy. But thats the one thing I loved most about her, we could make each other comfortable just with a look. Her eyes would meet mine and we could go someplace else and forget about everyone else. We shared this once-in-a-lifetime connection, and it was real. The moment, the one I had waited so long for, when we could kiss, the first time as a married couple. Of course these are just words, of course in the whole big reality, our connection was purely ceremonial, but when she kissed me and I felt her cold moist lips against my own, I started breathing heavily and some absolutely physical effects started to occur. I felt blissfully unreal and I just wanted to stay in that single moment, that pose, forever. Of course, this was just a ceremony, but in my heart that day I made a connection, one that would not be broken by anything except death. But this day, she and I made a secret eternal promise, that even after death we would still be something inside of each other. Of course neither of us knew what happened after death, and of course we couldn't say whether or not we would even be able to have feelings or to know anything, but that night the promise we made became reality. We willed that we would be inseperable, eternal, locked in each others hearts forever. This is how the wedding went, and this is how our lives would end. Her death, it was merely a shadow in the whole collective blob that eternal love would be to me. She would die, but her memory and her spirit would live on in me forever, I could never ever forget her, and I long every single waking moment for the kiss we shared, our very first. If there is a God and there is a heaven, I pray every night that my heaven be this kiss, this embrace, locked safely away in it, letting no sorrow or emotions touch us except for the love we have for each other. She is my heaven and the memory of our love my only lasting sanctuary. I am ruined now that she is gone, but I thank my stars everyday for the love I was given.
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Tuesday, January 04, 2005

I work really hard.....
It was a dark night. I sat all alone on the balcony, staring blankly out at an endless ocean, the moon reflecting off the waving water. I breathed in slowly, smelling the salty air that made my skin sticky with sweat. I wondered. Who's out there? I called out "Hello?" The echo gave me goosebumps. My thoughts drifted back to this evening. I thought of her, the pain she's caused. I thought back, months ago, to those silent evenings of sleep where she rested her head on my chest and I felt so helplessly flacid, so good inside. I thought about those feelings, eventually it rose within me this bubble of truth, I tried to keep it down, but it rose to the surface and erupted with a scream. I hardly knew if I had made the sound. Suddenly, the wind started up and blew rain in my face. I couldn't imagine what my next step should be. One solitary memory stuck out in my mind like a fat man in a gym. I thought back to that fateful day, that horribly normal seeming day. I was driving, this beautiful brown eyed girl in the passengers seat. I moved the car out of 2nd, hit the clutch, moved to 3rd, then looked over at my girl, her beautiful lips carving out this perfect smile in her face. I couldn't believe how lucky I was. As I turned a curve, I saw something move to the right of me. I turned to look and it was too late, a deer ran out into the path of the car. I swerved and the car slammed into the divider. I felt my whole body slam against the car, the glasses splintered and showered us with stinky softness. Then the world went black. I woke up to flashing lights and ringing sirens. I looked up into the eyes of a man with a hat. I asked about the girl. He looked me in my eyes, with a sorrowful look and said I'm sorry. He need not say anything else, I knew she was gone. This girl, she was my hopes and my dreams. Now she was fertilizer, dead and it was my fault. My thoughts came back to here and now, the ocean breeze, the salty air. Why should I be here? What do I stand to gain? These would be the questions that would keep me awake, along with thoughts of everything I could've had. I tried not to cry anymore, and that just made me want to cry more. But somehow I managed to stay apathetic.
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Monday, January 03, 2005

weather forecast: everythings the same
I'm tired so tired of being being being being being me. Who isnt though? Isn't it funny how all the young ones want to be old and all the old ones want to be young? What an irony. What a world!!! Whats the difference between be and the next guy? I'm not sure anymore, we are becoming blurred, I feel like I might be everyone else, except that I'm fat, I can feel it, on my body, hanging off like little bags of hatred, I want to just take a razor to my body and cut off everything bad like a surgeon, because a knife cuts with precision, but it depends on whose holding it. I can cut myself as much as I want and I know I will never be as beautiful, because I need whats on the inside, but what about when the inside is scarred as well, I am a bundle, I want to be something different and yet I have no will to change please dont feel sorry for me I am fat I am fat I am fat I am ugly of my own will, I am my own person if I wanted to be trim I could change I could change it would only take time and time I have, who knows maybe I'll change maybe I will be worth something, in time, not now not now not now not now not now I can never be nothing now, but in time, in time in time in time in time in time I will be better, but not without you not without you you you you are my everything I need, but you hate me as much as I hate myself, you hate my fat I see it in your eyes you want to cut it off as bad as I want it off and that hurts, but its the truth the truth I wish I was better for you you you, you want for me to look better than everyone, you want to make everyone jealous and I'm sorry I cant, he can I know, he makes everyone jealous jealous, I wish I could I wish I could, I want them to drool at me drool drool drool drool I want them to wish they were me, but they cant because I have no hopes, they have no hopes you have no hopes for me. Remodel me, make me something like you want me to be. I am bad, I am fat, I am nothing that I wasnt I wish I could be more I wish I could be more but I wont ever be I cant ever be only in time can I be more more more more, tell me I MEAN SOMETHING TO YOU BECAUSE I MEAN NOTHING TO YOU BUT IF I MEAN NOTHING TO ME HOW CAN I MEAN SOMETHING TO YOU WITHOUT MEANING SOMETHING TO ME AND NOTHING TO YOU IS POSSIBLE IF I MEAN SOMETHING TO ME AND NOTHING TO YOU BUT NEVER TRUE IF I MEAN NOTHING TO ME AND SOMETHING TO YOU. I'm tired tired tired of waiting for your pleasure I am tired tired of trying to be perfect I am fat I am fat I am ugly ugly ugly, I am wrong wrong wrong, I mess up I am human I need forgiveness I am not perfect I will never be good looking I will never be normal I cant ever matter matter because you want something something that I am not and I cannot offer what I dont have I am through through I am me I am the same, I can change in time, please give me time time time.
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Monday, January 03, 2005

the poop deck
Hola from the B-Hamas. It's nice and windy here by the beach. Nice weather, beautiful people everywhere, lots of skin. Damn I wish I looked great in a bathing suit. Hah, just kidding. Anyways, just the water is beautiful here, everyone is rich as can be, what a place, WHAT A PLACE. I left hanging out with alot of rich people to hangin with even more rich people!! How strange. Anyways, I'm gonna finish off a 75 litres of vodka and kahlua, so yall have a great nice night, I know I will. HERES TO DYMTRI FOR DANCING WITH THE FATTEST GIRLS IN THE WORLD!!! Cheers mate.
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Saturday, January 01, 2005

needles and blood
A needle is defined as a fine, sharp projection.
Blood is defined as a vital or animating force.

A needle's projection is a point that is created, it all starts and ends at this point. Life is such. There is a beginning and an end, the point starts and goes into oblivion. Blood flows through the needle, these points of life. The blood moves through us like energy, giving us the nutrients we need to live, allowing us to end up at these different points in which we live. Since life is a sum of its parts, then the tip of the needle is precise metaphor for life. Blood is what makes it.
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Friday, December 31, 2004

i was to ugly to feel so good
sometimes its cool to be so vain
i like the weather when it rains
sometimes its nice to be controlled
i like the water when it drains

nothing could make me happier
than to see you fail and give up
nothing could make me sadder
than to see you fall and get back up

well the missions dont seem complete
but thats cool with me cause see
well the times cant feel defeat
but thats neat with me cause we

are everything she wanted in a world
and if we fall and break her
listen we could control her every move
but in a world thats full of empty shells
a moment without echo
could possibly sound this sweet.
and if that moment comes and goes
like cheap motel with gold trimmed rails
a night without sadness
could possibly be such a dream.

wow that was pretty crappy but i havent written anything in a long time so get over it. i need more time like i used to have, ill get it soon whenever i will be alone again.
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Monday, December 27, 2004

ehh
Current mood: crushed
well, christimas is over, now time for the next holiday, new years eve and all that. whatever, who cares. another year, its gonna be kinda the same as last year. well. last night was ok. im ready for weds to be here, but not for thurs. my fams suck occasionally, but in sucking they are kinda cool. well i am off to a 5 hour practice so that should be fuckin hilarious. communists. i hate periods.
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Monday, December 20, 2004

define me
or wow me? whatevers funniest. anyways. ive been busy lately with this crystal ball stupid junk. if it wasn't so long and didnt take up my evenings it wouldnt be so bad. i dunno. im supposed to write something here but i cant think of anything. blah blah. ive been down in the dumps lately, cant change that much. im going to have to have a major life switch here pretty soon and i am not looking forward to it one bit. its going to be harder than a mother fucker. ok im done.
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Monday, December 13, 2004

music
i made these two songs, want more, ask.

HiMyNameIsTonyO: dude the second song sounds like happy nine inch nails
HiMyNameIsTonyO: like if trent reznor was into boys he would make that song
Bryan999b: haah
Bryan999b: indeed son
HiMyNameIsTonyO: ur getting better at making ur songs like mixing em and stuff
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Sunday, December 12, 2004

hit me baby one more time
Current mood: sad
Damn damns everyone. Life sucks at times. Why is this? Thats ok actually, I'd rather be all depressed all the time rather than be happy all the time. Because of this, life is meant to be lived in sorrow. If everyone was happy all the time, nothing would be interesting. I think the culture in which we live sort of encourages sadness and depression and I guess that I just give in. I mean sure I am just going with what everyone else does, but I dont care really because I am actually feeling sad, I fail my class, I feel like giving up, I want to kill myself, its like a natural reaction, like giving up. I give up. I just want things to end and just not feel like such a failure all the time. But what can I do? Can I quit school? Of course I can, but is it smart. NO. NO. Thats not smart. I need that fuckin little piece of paper, because in the end, it'll be about that, that I tried and ultimately succeeded, but to what end? What is the point of all this meaningless drivel when right at this moment, a child starves, a mother whores herself to feed a baby, a brother stabs his brother in the heart, what is the point of anything when there is unaddressed sadness in every aspect of human life. It saturates the planet like a horrible smell, like a rotting corpse, it gets into even the tiniesy crevaces of the earth and ruins it. I contribute to the smell and am doing nothing to wash it off.

Currently reading:
The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for Living
By Dalai Lama
Release date: By 01 October, 1998

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Sunday, December 05, 2004

sweet, one more
Current mood: marketable
OH MY GOD. Did you know if you click on the icon of the music or book that I am listening/reading that you can actually go to amazon.com and buy it? Whoa! Even my journal thing has marketing capabilities. It is awesome! I love commercialism!! It's the fuckin' best.

Currently listening:
S.C.I.E.N.C.E.
By Incubus
Release date: By 20 November, 2001

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congrats
I would just like to say congratulations to my buddy matt, who is the coolest person in the whole world, and he gotta date with a hottie!!! Congratulations Matt, your my inspiration!!!!!! To work I go. Off with their heads!

Currently listening:
Turn Japanese
By Me First and the Gimme Gimmes
Release date: By 21 February, 2001

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Saturday, December 04, 2004

deliverance
Current mood: tired
finally..........that time has come and I must depart. i will see all these homies later. yes indeed i will. i am so tired that i could practically honestly die. but. thats life. i cant believe i got drunk and sobered up all in the same day, im used to sleeping it off. anyways. good bye to all. anyways. im gonna get some. you all, take it all easy and all that all that shite. bon jour, merci, bon jour, merci, bon jour, merci.

Currently listening:
Pressure Chief
By Cake
Release date: By 05 October, 2004

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Friday, December 03, 2004

friends! karbies! lend me your ears!
I've got the world on a string,
sitting on a rainbow
wow I'm feel strange oh why
cant I breath whenever I think about you baby
tell me why couldnt I see, without your love in my life.
Oh why couldnt I be, with you babe.
Cause youve got what I want
Oh youve got what I need,
its making me bleed,
without your arms around me.
And through these trees and shadows of dreams
these endless scenes, of tragic means
I've seen the light, full of His might,
he's struck me down, taken away my crown,
and cast me around, this shiftless town,
may I know, may I know,
what you plan to do, with me with me,
just abuse me, use me, fuck me, bruise me,
its all about time, its all the right time,
oh tonight, I will light the light of a trite, sight might quite estimate these fears that I alleviate these pressures I can mediate, my world, so abbreviate my love.
My love.
What the hell? I dont know what I am writing. I gotta go though, everyones all pissed, especially me. Tired. Weak. I gotta speak my piece, had a glass a week. Now I am starting to peak. Gotta go gotta go.

Currently reading:
The Immoralist
By ANDRE GIDE
Release date: By 13 February, 1996

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D-O-N-E
Holy bananas, I'm done. Yep, thats right. School is over. No more class. Yes!! I'm glad, I was getting sick of the whole routine. Only two finals left. Fanfuckintastic. I say. What a day today is. I hate it. I'm having a horrible day. It sucks. But the only nice thing is that I do get to stay in until the nighttime. I am just gonna hide in my apartment until I absolutely have to leave. I've noticed that my complexion has become a little ashy as of late, I dunno how it came to be, maybe I am just deprived of my nutrients. When I woke up this morning, I felt so horrible, I dont know what is happening. Plus I have had this whole weird thing going on, everywhere I go I'm afraid that I am going to die. I know that sounds weird, but its not as weird as it sounds. But seriously, it's like when I am driving I always feel like someone is gonna crash into me, or when I am walking down the street that I am gonna get clobbered by a car. It sucks. I dunno. OH well. I cant live like this Bryan, I need you to pull the plug, be my angel and set me free, please....

Currently reading:
101 Uses for a Dead Cat
By SIMON BOND
Release date: By 02 November, 1988

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Wednesday, December 01, 2004

click, drip, sick
I've finished my review!!! Now I gotta wake up at 8 am and attend class, how crap is that? It's real crap. I dont know why I am even typing in this thing right now, I guess just to waste my life. Oh well, time flies when your getting nothing accomplished by yammering to a fuckin stupid ass blog. Fuck blogs, they are ruining the written word. Seriously, they are raping the english written language. How fuckin' sad is that shit? I mean seriously. It's the fuckin' english fuckin' language. Why would sum1 wana ruin this shite? I dunno either. Alls I knows aint that this is not yes rude. You know what I'm saying to you? Fuck blogs. I hate them. They are almost as stupid as Carrot Top movies. But Carrot Top is funny sometimes. Chairman of the Board, now that was a good flick. I hate you blog. Sleep good.

Currently watching:
Family Guy - The Freakin' Sweet Collection
Release date: By 14 December, 2004

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Dec, fuckin 1st!!!
Rent is due! God damn, that really blows.

Currently listening:
Rent (1996 Original Broadway Cast)
By Jonathan Larson
Release date: By 27 August, 1996

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Tuesday, November 30, 2004

why?
Why the hell are people so mean? I'm sorry but if anyone ever tells me again that they 'care' about me, I'm just gonna' tell them to fuck off because I know their lying. Well shit, now I feel bad because SOME people do care, but I dunno. How can you tell? I'm like this vast wasteland of forgotten oppurtunities, and most of its my fault. I always go for the wrong ones, either that or I get the good ones and it turns out they just dont have the time. Fuck, such is life. Oh well. Man I have three finals this week and I have been working on this review sheet for Anthro for about 3 hrs and I keep getting distracted. It sucks. I cant wait till this weekends, and I gota super-long weekend, because my classes end on this Friday, and I dont have another test until Weds, so thats fuckin fantastic and it means I get to party hardy, until the cops come. I actually cannot wait. I am so ready to have some fun, because it's been awhile and it's gonna be awhile before I get too. I am dreading my inevitable return to Odessaville, that place sucks away your soul, I kid you not. Who's with me that Odessa fuckin stinks? I see many hands in the air. I feel so depressed and useless when I'm back home and its freakin' sad. There is no future there, its like my vast wasteland of oppurtunities, just personified in a shitty city. Oh well, when I look to the long run, into my future, I see everything I have to look forward to. You could say I'm a short-term pessimist, but a long-term optimist. Its actually the only thing that keeps me going. Oh well, back to my studies.

Currently listening:
90125
By Yes
Release date: By 24 February, 2004

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Monday, November 29, 2004

in the shadows
I got my cat back today, hes not as playful as he once was. The doctors broke his spirit when they castrated him. I feel like I've been castrated too. What do I do about that? My friend Eko, she knows whats up, shes good to talk to because she understands me better than I understand myself and hey I hardly know her. Anyways, I gotta get some sleep, everyones feeling crappy today, I hope they all feel better. I know the people at work wont be, ba-da-zing. That's right, I went there. Anyways, Lucy, feel better, I miss yeh buddy. Wait, I bet Lucy doesnt even read this. Wouldnt that be funny if I told someone that I missed them and they didnt even read it? Would I still miss them? Or would they still be missed? I dunno either. Does a tree make a sound when it falls in the forest and no one hears it? Of course it does.

Currently listening:
How It Feels to Be Something On
By Sunny Day Real Estate
Release date: By 22 September, 1998

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phony baloney
i am a bastard, whose down with me?
i am a father, who rakes the leaves.
i am a phone, with whom you call your friends.
i am a bottle, of liquor that burns your soul.
i am a sensation, whose prickling up your leg
i am a violent shudder, which murders you to death.
i am a calm, whose stillness unifies the skies.
i am death, which is whom i'm sent to see
i am a boat, upon the open stream.
forget what you know
forget what you've been told
we could go on and on about these fur-lined roes.
well its over now, its all over.
phoney baloney,
its just meat.
fake meat
that has a plastic ring around it
and
tastes pretty bad
and they make it by grinding up pig parts, with the hooves and everything
and the machine spits out a sheet of meat
sheatty meat
is phoney baloney

Currently reading:
The Stranger
By ALBERT CAMUS
Release date: By 13 March, 1989

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red toy dagger
pierce my skin
with your wicked grin
oh please come in,
its time for sin.
So fill me in,
to feel me up,
and let the cup,
fall down into the drop of
faithful errands made from fruits
of barren campsites without mice
and babies wiggle out into the truth
because starry eyed babes, are as white as rice.

Currently watching:
The Holy Land
Release date: By 07 September, 2004

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Sunday, November 28, 2004

miniature
the silence kills me worse than any weapon,
your cold-collective-concious saddens we more than I can show.
statements have been made in vain,
yet to me it all seems plain,
this vile empty heart has come,
to riddle me with pain,
and as these waves roll by,
and time really starts to fly.
you really just meant nothing to me but a few empty hollow words and the ricochets of the last few days have comforted me in my pain. These wont last, memories born from the past, are all that sustains a soul without a keeper, an enemy as a reaper, who used to be your teacher, but is now a Godless creature, whose infested your life with his most hideous of features.
but I'll put it all on hold,
just to hold you in my arms,
and as we both become bold,
we can shine it up like gold.
God made you in his mold,
and yet forgot me in his fold,
with these colorful songs of old,
one forgets that he's alone.

Currently watching:
Scary Movie 2
Release date: By 13 August, 2002

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oops
I forgot that I used you first,
and now I'm down on my luck,
oops,
You forgot that I was alive,
and now the tides have turned.
You've used me, like I just used you,
but you cured me, of my disease,
oops,
You sold my life, piece by piece,
haha,
I'm glad that you got screwed,
oh irony, I get screwed too.
.....
wow that was one fuckin shitty ass lyrical melody.
I wish I had some sick-ass grooves,
but everything seems so lame lately.
People piss me off.
You trust them, for a second, and its all dandy,
but they really are never there or around when you need them.
I mean they say they will be, and on occasion they are, but most of the time, their usually out not thinking about you, ignoring you.
But thats ok, it just reinforces everything that I thought I knew about people, everyone, nobody really can be there for you like you want them to be. I dont know though. I'm pretty good about being there for people, true I might say the wrong thing occassionally, but I'm always there for anyone, so I guess if I can be, then theres gotta be someone else that can be too. I know that some people think there is this one guy, but I haven't seen him for awhile, so. Ehh. I'll stop now.

Currently listening:
Come Away with Me
By Norah Jones
Release date: By 26 February, 2002

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Saturday, November 27, 2004

i can help you
i will hold you in my hands the only way that i know i can
im sorry i forgot you, on this day, your day
how could i be so stupid?
how could i be so selfish?
i swear, tomorrow ill be different
tomorrow ill be new
i always am thanks to you
just know that you will be in my heart, always
even if i forget that day, today
im sorry i made her cry,
she didnt deserve this and she was right
i am obsessed with myself
i care about me and only me
i need to set things right
and its so hard to do
i want to be perfect for you
i want to be everything you would want me to be
ill live for you
as you lived for me
and once again
i am sorry
its really tearing me up inside, and i guess thats probably for the best
i wish you could be here with me
i miss you, god how i wish you could be here
you could have made things so much different and i hate myself everyday for your absence.
but its really not my fault, its fate.
but all the same i really wish i could talk to you, because you could have meant so much to me, you really could have.
i know what you want me to do, and nothing will ever stop me ever again.
im sorry i messed up for so long, but never again, never again.
lets forget this mess, and ill turn back and i wont ever look back, except for you.
and when i see you again, because i know i will, when we are together again, i can be happy in knowing that i did everything i could to fulfill your dreams, i am you, i feel you inside me at times, i feel you moving and working through me, i promise i will not fail you again.

Currently reading:
Death's Acre: Inside the Legendary Forensic Lab/the Body Farm/Where the Dead Do Tell Tales
By William M. Bass
Release date: By 23 October, 2003

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Friday, November 26, 2004

leave me breathless
Current mood: pensive
oh my fuck. im trying to stop using gods name in vain because there are at least three people that i know that dont like it when i do.
i had to do this god damn crystal ball stuff today, the parties and dates and shit blew my fuckin balls, but we got to go to the rehab center, and i always love visiting that place and hearing all the stories about how they help those kids. i remember when i was younger and there was this kid that was like the poster child at the rehab center and i bought him a red power ranger toy that was awesome and i gave it to him, he looked really happy, it was awesome. but thats me when i was younger. i always wanted to help someone and i was happy to be alive.
now this.
sad exsistence,
what happened? where did i go wrong? prolly starts with some blank damn girl. it always does.
i decided, as much as it really fucking hurts to be without a girl, im not going too, because they always seem to just rip up my heart and shit, and im sure i could take most of the blame, but for all practical purposes, its my fault. anyways, thats all for my generic blog entry, everyone hates me bla bla bla.
girls. sad. cheating. cry. cry. mean. there they are again. im in love. cheating. hatred. silence. meet someone new. im in love. break up. still friends. bye bye. see the old girl. blah blah. uhmmm i dunno what else, im still working on it. oh yeh, as you can see none of the i's are capitalized, partially because i dont believe i am important enough to capitalize, and also because the shift/caps lock is just way to far away. go UT. fuck uhm.

Currently watching:
Law & Order Special Victims Unit - The First Year
Release date: By 21 October, 2003

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Thursday, November 25, 2004

all we are
seems like only yesterday that i was happy beyond words, indescript feelings of euphoria, sadness seemed like an old memory, forgotten.
but now i am all sadness, no bright shiny star in my future, no tangible evidence for existence.
i am but myself, and in that i am merely. who i was, who i will be, are all irrelevant to who i am. convincing you, thats not my goal, i mean nothing to you, and if i ever do, than it will cease, sometime.
we are but the sum of our experiences, and i would say i've had plenty. enough to know that giving up is not even close to what needs to be done. seclusion is freedom, the ultimate painful freedom.
when i can watch, alone, from the shores of an abandoned island, it is then that i can take refuge in my solititude. if ever these harbringers of love sing their songs my way, i was quell them with death, the only way i know how.
bury myself deep in it and live it, embrace it. in death does one become truly something.
in death, we are, we can be, we are free.
for now, this island of broken hearts is full, i'm alone by no means, everyone is here with me, and we are all so utterly alone. irony. its the seed of flow. change is for certain, inevitable. ultimately, life can be flattering, it can also be humbling and in this humbling, a lesson. forgive, forget, the ties. your yours and not a one elses.
you were made, not created, you are here, not divine, we are, but not me.

Currently reading:
The Book of Bunny Suicides
By Andy Riley
Release date: By 30 December, 2003

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Tuesday, November 23, 2004

dirty
beep beep beep- beep beep beep beep
ring ring rin.. hello?
hey, whats up?
oh hey! not much, I was just getting something to eat.
Oh yeh, where at?
I went to that Chick Fil A on campus.
Oh yeh?
Yeh.
Wow.
Yeh.
What did you get?
Chicken.
No way.
Yep.
Hmm.
Well.
Well.
hmm.
yep.
(nervous laughter)
man...chicken sounds delicious.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAHHHAHHAHAAHAHAHHA (SNORT)
HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
haha, wow
jesus christ that was funny.
I guess so. haha.
your such a freakin goof.
yah, so is your mom.
what the fuck?
oops
go to hell asshole
sorry
HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA, I'm just messin.
Are you high?
yes.
oh
damn chicken
(i pull the phone away.....) agent down agent down, code team red, alpha team red!!
Whoa what was that?
I dunno, something across the street.
Oh shit, are you serious?
Yeh man.
Wow, thats crazy.
Dude there you are.
You were eating taco bell asshole.
oh yeh, oops.
dont ever talk to me again


Currently listening:
Sing the Sorrow
By A.F.I.
Release date: By 11 March, 2003

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Sunday, November 21, 2004

cards cards
Current mood: accomplished
i played cards tonight.
cards and vodka.
Jorg joined me, then fell asleep on my chest.
all in all i think it was a pretty good day.
Now Jorg is biting my hair.
i think i accidentally used his shampoo and he likes
the way it smells or something.
anyways.
cards and vodka.
i played cards tonight.

Currently reading:
Absolut Book: The Absolut Vodka Advertising Story
By Richard W. Lewis
Release date: By 01 August, 1996

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