Fuck It

Aries - (March 21 - April 20)
Today will be a special day. Don't forget to turn off the oven, for it is there you shall reap the most reward. Currently, you need to lay off the meth and get your life in order. Forego the extra helping and feed your kid.

Taurus - (April 21 - May 21)
The stars predict endless nights of amusement and wonder as you settle into your new role. Don't let the year pass you by without doing one good thing. You may end up sorry next year, we shall make sure of this.

Gemini - (May 22 - June 21)
The emptiness you feel right now has nothing to do with lonliness. It's really a disease that you need to get checked out or else it could turn into cancer. No one likes cancer. Today you need to see the positive in the negative, it's the only way to clearly assess the situation.

Cancer - (June 22 - July 22)
You have a love prospect that you may fulfil in the next few days. Keep your eyes wide and your heart open. There is no room for failure. Cancers, when your approached about the sale, dont take it! Somethings in life are just too good to be true.

Leo - (July 23 -August 21)
You shall all die a horrid death at the hands of a christian fundamentalist. Remember, through garlic in their eyes and try stabbing them with a formica stick, straight through the head. It's the only way to get rid of them. Also, if you find yourself one of those religious zombies, your better off just suiciding.

Virgo - (August 22 - September 23)
Come on guys! Lighten up, it's only been five days since they left you! Ok, what you need to do tonight is get really drunk, its the answer to your problems. In the future, just remember not to sit next to the guy in the green shirt, he's a bad bad man.

Libra - (September 24 - October 23)
Clothes dont make the person. It seems that you Libras are becoming a bit to materialistic. Dont let a little tag run your life! Be yourself or you may never experience eternal happiness in the eyes of our Lord.

Scorpio - (October 24 - November 22)
Despite your glorious, satanic past, there is still hope for you. Today, if someone offers you a large sum of anything dont take it. It's not for you. You will be rewarded far greater at home. Think glasses, a really pink pig with a slapping belly, two gonzo suits, and a flashlight. All you need for a good time.

Sagittarius - (November 23 - December 22)
Being the ugly stepsister of Capricorn, Sags are full of a need to be noticed. This need is in full swing these days. Relax, your really not as bad as you seem. There are plenty of people in the world that would be happy to be with you. Well, maybe not you, but I've known some pretty decent looking Sags.

Capricorn - (December 23 - January 20)
Your death today shall be short and sweet. No reason to fuss over it. I suggest writing letters, as you never know when it may take you. Write your letter now so that you can get everybody that you want too in. Dont forget your Aunt Petunia.

Aquarius - (January 21 - February 19)
FOX News will more than likely be at or around your home this weekend, but I'm not allowed by the government to tell you why. Just trust me on this one, stay in your house the entire day. Don't come out. Just sit on your couch, floor, bed, whatever it is you have to sit on. Sit there and dont move. The entire day. Because if you do venture outside, your really really not going to like what you see.

Pisces - (February 20- March 20)
Pisces, the usual favorite of mine. Pisces, today you will realize how wonderful you are. How eternally spirital and the goodness inside of you could make a grown man weep with love. You will be blessed with anything you desire today. Make as many wishes as you want, they will be granted indefinetly. Love your life, you are awesome!