Letting Go

Letting go is easier than you would think. You just remember all the bad things. There were a lot. But then when you lose something, something that was never bad, that's something you never get over. Nothing will ever be the same, ever. When you lose something that has been a part of your life since you were born, 23 years ago, it's hard. I guess I feel like I want to give up to sometimes. But I don't, I can't. Now that I have a reason not to give up. I don't want to disappoint anyone, especially myself, that is something I could never live with again. This is the beginning of a new life, something different, something great. I will be that person I was going to be as a good. Inspiration comes from the weirdest places. I am really lucky. I found happiness in a place I never thought I would. Death seems to be slowly seeping into every inch of my life. I am surrounded by it and yet all I can see is life. Where so many have given into their suffering, I see myself attracted to it and growing from it. I am not much smarter, just more aware. My outside is harder but the inside hurts more than anyone ever should. My mom's words really haunt my dreams, I can't sleep much anymore. I can't get the sobbing out of my head, the animal-like grunts she had to make just to say the words. I can't imagine anything more painful than having to listen to the person who is supposed to be your rock, your savior, completely losing it. Surreal only begins to describe it. We don't know why, we can all speculate, but the truth will never be found. I think the worst part is knowing how much history died with him. That link is eternally severed. He told me that he couldn't wait to see my kids, to see my family. He never will.