Lost

Everybody can understand this. I don't need to articulate it. There is a basic human need for companionship. When it is denied, an emotional need is not being met. It is possible to exist free of this.

Is it too much to ask for someone who honestly cares? Is it so much to ask for someone like the person I know +/- one or two things. Nothing is making sense until the very end.

Today something happened. Something changed. It is not for the worst. It is for the best. But getting there will take a small amount of ingenuity. There is this fear of commitment eating me up. I need to embrace it. But doing so will kill any sense of individuality that I may currently cling to for emotional survival.

Intoxication is the only way to feel things. I've seen the world, in different states. I've been to different places. I've met many people. Many I won't remember until later. The scars are here and visible to anyone who cares to look.

Looking back only brings pain. If you want something so bad and you are willing to do anything for it, usually it doesn't end up being as good as it could be. There is some sort of stupid thing in the way. I understand that and I leave it there.

I am going to describe the human condition, current and visible. The first thing you feel is heat vs cold. This determines the most. Then the next is the smell. This will determine feelings, places, times, variables. Smell is important, however not as important as temperature. Temperature is not ambient, also includes the internal feeling of the individual. After these two, breathing is the most recognized experience. The lack of or girth of breath is important. It means much to the current state of the individual. Next is the emotional level. The ideas, thoughts, feelings, everything else that will ultimately control the physical outcomes of the next few experiences. The next would be touch, feeling, movement. Everything else falls within these few other entities.

There is no locational advantage of feeling. There is no way to individualize an experience. Experience is cumulative, feeling is fantastic.

Please--if you've gone this far, just stop now. Nothing will ever make any sense. If there was once love, there is still love. If there is something, a seed, a small flower of an essence growing then let it be. Don't halt it and let it die. It could be something good. Sweet innocent of virgin corruption. Feelings of initiation, letting life develop together and grow. Could this seed indeed develop? Could these roots form again? Could they spread through the soil, gripping anything in site? Would these roots allow a stem to begin to sprout? Curling towards the sky? Could this seed provide the stem with small leafs, sprouting every 2 centimeters or so? This stem, it could grow stronger through the years, growing an armor of bark, pushing its leafs even further up. The thick trunk begins to develop as life grows and continues all around it. After 100 years the little seed has developed into this amazingly large tree, with branches in all directions, with branches off of these branches, with more leafs covering those branches. It is a complete enigma. Development with no purpose but development. Life from a tiny portion. Such as a life, lived completely from start to finish. Starting as a round, somewhat imperfect little seed, into a grandiose formation, a miracle of evolution and natural compassion. This development, a monument to perfection, to life. In a similar context, love develops. This tree, this love, the branches, no understanding in its purpose, just excitement for being.

We should all be so lucky. All I can do is smile. Nothing that you know is true.

The truth is right around the corner. Sometimes the idea overtakes my body and creates tears of joy for the purpose set forth before me. I'm just not sure I can do it.

I will know tomorrow.