This is as real and direct as I will ever be on here. This is an outlet. If you're reading it, don't. I like putting my thoughts down here. It's like a memory bank for me. I can go back, re-read these things and then experience and remember exactly how I felt at that moment. Whether that moment be good or bad. I won't lose it. That's why if you search through this for meaning (for whatever reason that way be) you won't find it. Just a bunch of jumbled words that don't make sense. But honestly, right now is not one of the ones I want to remember. That's why this is real. This is one time I wish I didn't remember anything. I wish I could delete everything, be done with it. But before I get into expression I need to know, am I ready to do this to myself? I need to stop this right here, because I started feeling again.
Why is it that, even though I know it's a bad idea, I know I'm going to hurt myself bad, and I know where the end result lies, do I still want it?
I have a feeling it's because my entire life I have let my heart guide everything. I am repeating the same mistakes over and over. My heart makes it seem different every time, so that I can cope with life. But relationships shouldn't work that way. I don't think I've had a single relationship in which my rational mind wasn't at war with my heart. They usually both end up committing suicide. Fucking shit, there I go with the God Damn Bullshit again. Nothing fits. I know what's right and the difference is, this time I'm cutting out my heart's vocal cords, I'm killing my feelings, my desires, my fantasties with life. Because all they've got me is here.
I thought I could have this life of adventure, excitement and discovery around every corner. It's a fucking lie. My parents dilluded me into thinking that I could do anything. I think that should be considered abuse, cratering your children's self-esteem before it's even built by making them believe life is easy and that happiness is always the end result. If I ever have a child or if any of my current children happen to read this, I'd like you to know something. Life has been and never will be fair. Expect it and count on it. I'm sad to say, but its been my experience that everything is temporary.
"Nothing gold can stay." So enjoy what you have, because if you dont life just seems like a huge waate of time. Sure, impulsive behavior will get you in trouble, but sometimes it is only these actions that maintain your sanity. You need a little crazy, because our existence is essentially boring. We are preprogrammed machines given the ability to self-actualize. So, my point is, don't give up now matter how much it hurts. No matter how much pain you inflict on yourself or that is inflicted on you, do not quit. Because this stupid life, this lame crappy version of reality in which "we" exist is all you have.
Try and treat life like a game of baseball. As a player, you are good at one or either things, defense and offense. An offensive player can employ several different techniques to accomplish the same task, make it around all three bases. These are milestones, first, second and third. You end up back where you started, if you're lucky. But if you don't make it back you're out. A defensive player usually needs to be fast and agile, able to discern a small white ball and make it land in a glove. You react instead of act. So, you can be either. You can be both. But the game in it's entirety, with all the players and stages, this is life played out. Think of it, a quaint metaphor, America's past-time. Get home if you're lucky.
But see, it's not pure. Because until very recently, I've had a small amount of faith. Faith in humanity, faith in impartiality, faith in science, faith in friends, faith in people, faith in family, faith in professionalism, faith in my Lover Mary, and faith in myself; I lost it all. And I'll admit it, I gave it up.
I'm ready for the new me, not so different from the old me, yet completely opposite of it. I'm no longer the older version of the younger version of myself. I do not care. I give up, for now.
Crushing is crushing.
So where does this leave me? Where does it leave everyone else? Honestly, time will tell.
But for now, this is the line. I am tired of bleeding.
If they are hungry and poor, why don't we give them half our food? Fuck you if you don't agree, but you are your job. It makes me wish you and I were unemployed.
Ignorance, can I have it back please? Things were better then. I just got a present that I have to return. I wish it was mine, it would be amazing, to have it. But I don't think I've got much to give. I'm so fucking frustrated and I feel so.....broken. The war rages on inside of me and there is so much collateral damage. I'm a victim of Pimp and Circumstance. "Her name was Florence, but he called her Flo....Flo-rescent every night....Money might talk, but what does it say, you better get busy if you wanna' get paid" We are all whores to everything.
It's never happening again.
I wish I knew which path to take.
Give me life or give me death.
A humbled approach,
A $4 coke,
A joke.
Smoke.
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