Each person is very different, yet there are some similarities that I don't really even understand. How did this occur.
Everyone seems to like giving their perspectives, to the point that it is sometimes insulting the the listener. Like when you get a haircut that you love and go and show someone, who tells you how you could do it better. Rather than appreciate the haircut as it is. Everything has to be better and intrinsic value in things are of little consequence.
I guess I am the same way, yet I am also intensely effected my minutiae. It is what makes me, me.
Perhaps these things are forgotten, as in families our roles are constantly being re-written. Life constantly alters our own perceptions of each other and, therefore, we become new people each time.
This is an odd feeling as friends of mine appear to be the same people every time I see them. In fact, I count on them being this way. Because I fell in love with them like that, but that's not to say my love won't follow their craziness. It always does.
But there is a feeling, somewhere deep, that tells me that I should resist this change. That I should not be supportive of these evolving pieces of my life. It's a revolving door that I may want to lock shut.
It's not clear why this is, I think because life has been quite fast-paced and emotional for me. Perhaps all the years I spent craving novelty has lead me to this, a deficit of foundation. Because, emotionally I am a baby. However, physically and mentally I have been overexposed. But this is a symptom of our society and I am no different than anyone else I know.
Everyone seems to have their own ideas about life and ways of living it, mine is simply another variation. But I feel like there is a problem that I seem to encounter more frequently than others, misunderstanding, fear and aggression to my way of life. I understand that people that don't understand me would judge me using their own internal filters, however when these judgments manifest themselves externally it is hurtful. I lose my trust for these people and it breaks my heart.
Because I am desperately seeking a foundation. I need a seed to establish some roots. I am looking for ways to incorporate all these things I love into it, but doing so is madness.
The idea that someone can miss you when you are not present, this is how our roots are founded. I don't know of any single, more effective way to know someone cares. My idea is simple, when you miss someone that means you have the desire to see them again, that you want them to be a constant part of your continued existence.
But what do you do when this does not exist? When this bond between friend, lover, family-member is done what relationship do you have? This is when a person becomes an acquaintance and does not reserve much space in your mind for consideration. I must fall into this category for many, many people. This is actually alright with me, because those people are in the same category for me.
However, there are several persons who I miss constantly, who's presence in my life have left holes in me that I can't seem to fill anywhere. These are unique people, people who actually effected me in some way or another. They did not always do this consciously, they just exist which was enough for me.
You knew it was coming, the sad reality of it all is that these people are fading from me. I'm trying to decide which ones I want to hold on to and which ones I will be letting go. Something surprised me while doing this, the people I want in my life are all somewhere else.
By somewhere else I don't mean specifically in location, I mean also in mind-set. This is an important aspect of your relationships, like mindedness. I know this to be the truth, because when you don't have someone who thinks the same as you, who can relate to what you have to say, can understand you, then you don't have much. It will drive you insane, as well (see ih8review.blogspot.com for an example of a symptom of this disorder)
So what am I left with? A large collage of faces that all mean different things to me. People who have, ultimately, become me. I guess the biggest revelation I've had today, perhaps in my entire life, is this: I am not me, but I am you and those who know you. My reality is shaped and molded by everyone else. I am walking through a pitch black tunnel, with an inner-sense of direction, but depending on the walls to guide me to the end and the light.
I think I may be the extreme of this idea, being that I have no concept of a biological family. I can see what others have in it, how it makes up the entirety of who they are. Being able to identify themselves through their biology. But I am lucky, I don't have to have those bonds. My relationships are all completely based on emotional ties. However, this may not be as healthy as it seems.
Because I honestly believe, as sad as it is for me to say, that every living person on the face of this Earth should have the opportunity to see someone that shares their direct lineage. I imagine that the feelings involved in this are so strong. In fact, I have seen this in my own family. I have family members that treat my brother and I differently (less like family members) because we are adopted.
I don't blame them, I'm sure I would feel weird having someone that doesn't share these biological traits you are so used to seeing. But, my brother and I were born helpless children that were too much a burden to be raised by our parents. However--this is not a bad thing. I ended up a pretty good situation, but I always wonder if things would be different. How life might have spared me from certain things I didn't need to experience. But then, I suppose I wouldn't be here, writing this today.
So is it even relevant or useful to think about these things? I think so, it's important to understand your place in the world and what you mean to the people that mean the most to you. It's my revelation that has shown me something, I no longer exist in this ambiguity. I guess this is what I thought and this is now what I think, that I am just a product of everything. The bad people, the good people, the positive experiences and the negative experiences are my mother and father. They are my biology.
I was given birth anonymously and will, most likely, remain anonymous to most people until I die. This is my reality and this is how I exist. Now, I must understand why.
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