I don't know what I'd do without this pooch. He really is my only friend anymore. At least, he's the only person that seems to have time to hang out. Shit's not so good nowadays. The depression comes and goes, as quickly as my will to live.
I'm so tired now, so tired that I don't even care to explain anything to anyone. That worries me, when I stop externalizing my feelings bad things happen to me. But that's the price I pay for wanting to feel comfortable.
I've got alot in my life that's good. I have people who care about me and some who really don't. I just don't have anything that's mine anymore, except Blackie and these cats. I either sold or lost or gave away everything else. This also worries me. I just don't know who I am anymore and it's keeping me up again.
Everything I love is scattered everywhere. I'm not even sure I remember where those things even are anymore. I've given up on all my dreams and realized that if I want to get anywhere different I have to do by myself. I want to feel succesful but after everything that's happened I don't even know what success means.
Why's it hurt so much to care about someone and not have that returned? At least I never have to worry about that with my pets, they'll be here for me because they need me just as much as I need them. Maybe they don't feed me or scoop up my shit, but they keep me sane and much less lonely. They even know how to cheer me up when I'm sad. They are my family, despite the species barrier. I'm adopted the same way they are, so maybe it's easier for me to feel this way. I don't know a single person related to me, but these guys are much closer to me than most human animals. Perhaps that's sad? I don't think so, I just feel lucky to have them. Their story is my story and vice versa. I can't even say that about my siblings. But then, if I was having a bad day or needed to talk they wouldn't be around and Blackie would!
I've just got a lump inside me that's a tangled mass of shit I can't express and experiences I can't share. People that have at least one person in their lives to share it with are lucky. Unfortunately I'm not lucky enough and the sad reality is I'm sitting here pouring out my heart to something that can neither comfort me or provide guidance, but it's all I've got. This stupid blog has been here when no one else has. It's not the healthiest way of dealing with myself, but it's something.
Pets and a blog: my support system.
It's funny how people now can see someone being run over by a car, beat up by someone or starving and yet they don't give a shit.
It's the sad truth today, people realized they have to be selfish to survive and they do so to the best of their ability. There are people out there though that do give a shit and they make life worth it. I just wish I could meet those people and surround myself with them. Even then I'm not so sure they'd like me back, I'm a difficult person.
Where do I fit in all of this? Do I matter? What if I died tomorrow? Would that change how the future turns out? I don't think so.
I just don't know how to get around this particular problem. Where do I want to go? When is enough enough? When should I just go ahead and fasttrack the destiny I've felt was coming all along? When do I just let the tired overtake me and just fall asleep?
Posts
