The Next Five Years

I have a new five year plan. This one, much more final and realistic. My plan is this, if life hasn't become much better than it is today, I will kill myself.


I've been thinking about this a year or two, but only recently on my 26th birthday did it really become a promise to myself. There are several criteria that would potentially stop this from happening, however they don't seem likely at this point. It's not that I'm depressed or even really want to die. I just don't have much else to offer and I am so tired of living. I've done too much of it already.

It seems odd, I guess, to be done with life at my age. I just don't have anything else to give. However, I'm satisfied with what I've accomplished. I've done good things and bad things.

But, it's not that easy anymore. Reality is much clearer than everyone makes it out to be. I think I could continue on with life as it is now, but I really don't want to do that. I see where it goes and there is no where else I really want to be. I don't love anyone in my life. I am not a significant part of any family or social system. I'm just living alone to eventually die alone. I guess if I can have some control over how that goes, I'm going to use it. I have responsibilities now, but in five years I will (most likely) no longer have these responsibilities. In the case that these responsibilities increase in frequency, I won't be able to kill myself in good conscience. However, I seem to be losing these slowly and that makes it much, much easier.


I'm not sick either, no terminal diseases. I guess you could say that I'm terminally alive in an unsatisfying existence. Because of who I am, what I've done, how things are, there's no potential for satisfaction in the foreseeable future. I am just a drain on everyone and everything. Therefore, I've got five years to get shit straight. Maybe I can do it. I've done crazy stuff in five years. I'm going to try, but motivation to do so is definitely waning. Continuing to live beyond the point mentioned above would be wasteful and painful for me.


This isn't a list of excuses, it's an explanation. So that when I look back I can understand why I made this decision and can judge for myself whether things are better or worse. We'll see how it goes.